Let's go back 3 years. Almost 3 years ago, my husband left me right out of the blue. No talking about it. No discussion. No warning. Just went from being "happy" to "cold". He got an apartment that day and moved out.
Devastation to follow. I found TAM. I got my arse into therapy (husband said I treated him poorly and I do admit I had control issues that I healed in a year of therapy).
He came around often in the 4 months he had moved out. Lots of shady sh1t with money...phone...texting....treated me like crap, basically. But I was sooooo willing to do ANYTHING to get him back. HOURS and HOURS were spent trying to understand him, talk to him, figure HIS CRAP OUT. He did no work. I was doing it all. Ugh. Looking back just makes me...UGH! :mad:
Makes me laugh now. I probably should have just let him go, to be honest.
Anyway, he moves back in September because he got fired. I was weary of that because I wanted it to be his CHOICE, not his default. In any case, I was happy. The kids (2 girls aged 11 and 2 at the time) were happy.
He was good for a while. Phone was still shady. Some chick texted him at midnight about just getting home...a "friend" he said. Right. Ok. He then said other things to me while in bed...basically asking if I could become tighter for him. Wow. Talk about killing my libido. I do not think I have been wet for him since.
Anyway, roll down about a year...his drinking is OUT OF CONTROL. He's drinking about 10 beers a night. Weekends or nights before his day off are worse. He sits and does NOTHING. Just sits there. Drunk. I ignore. I am too scared to rock the boat.
I go to him to ask him what's wrong as he was just crawling back into himself like he did the last time he left. He said nothing was wrong but he wasn't happy, blah blah...I asked if he wanted to work things out he said no.
I asked if he wanted this life. He said no.
I asked if he wanted this marriage. He said no.
He then said he never loved me and never wanted to get married. He was sad when he said it, but still.
We decided then that we'd be separated and whatever we do in life is our own business. I was done. I was tired of always worrying and caring about his feelings. It was time for me.
So I left that night. I was numb. I was not upset, however...I felt RELIEVED.
I stayed the night at a friend's. I did my own thing. I took care of my kids. He moved out 3 months later (April). I filed divorce in May. I met someone. I was woken up. I fell in love. It was the first time I've ever fallen in love with someone...my 2 other big relationships were with my baby daddies...that I knew for a few months before getting pregnant (Yes, my 14 year old has a dad that I dated 2 months before SURPRISE!...my husband is the other. Yea.)
But over 1 year, I fell in love with this person. I mean...I can't even describe it. It's like finding the other half of my sky :o I have never loved someone with all of me and with no expectations. I was loved fully just for being me! I was tolerated (lol!) and adored for things that I find annoying about myself. My face hurt from perma smile. My heart was exploding. People noticed my glow. :o
But husband comes back. He's sober. He wants to come home. He gets sick (some stomach/liver issues) and he moves in because we didn't know what the future held with his health.
I felt like maybe I should give it another try when I'm not angry or sad or anything...because of the kids and mortgage and dogs.
He and I get along great! We have fun. We do things. We co-habitate. We can get each other off.
We are not emotionally or physically intimate. He doesn't know how. I ask him how he feels and he says, "fine". He won't work on his issues that he knows he has and that's all Ive been doing for 2 years! Working on MY issues. ...becoming better. Stronger.
The person I left to come back to this marriage is gone...out of the picture. I guess that is good...makes things more clear of what is wrong in the whole thing. My husband knows about this person...he's known from the beginning. I don't cheat.
I asked him about all the things he said to me...about not loving me, etc. He said he was angry and trying to push me away. Really? I come asking to work things out and that's what is said? I don't buy it.
I have to be honest-- I'm not in love with him any longer. I was--- oh god, I so was!! But all the bullshet (some of you remember) and the lies...omg the lies...and the money issues (lying about money, taking out his 401K without paying taxes or telling me...yea)...I love him. I have no passion for him. I have a hard time trusting him. He says he never cheated, but I don't believe him. (He had a F-buddy while we were separated. She was a winner. A drunk too.) He tries to be sweet and I feel nothing.
This other person understood my desire to see if I could make it work. It hurt her very badly. I feel like I'm just stuck.
Do I break up a family because I am not blissful? Is life supposed to be blissful? Don't marriages go through shet? Maybe it will be better in time?
Arg. I don't know. I am irritated at myself for not having the courage to live my life...but I also recognize that my life concerns 2 other people who need their dad.
But what about my heart?
And this is where I am. We're polite. Sometimes I think he feels stuck too. How can he leave again when he swore he never would?
Devastation to follow. I found TAM. I got my arse into therapy (husband said I treated him poorly and I do admit I had control issues that I healed in a year of therapy).
He came around often in the 4 months he had moved out. Lots of shady sh1t with money...phone...texting....treated me like crap, basically. But I was sooooo willing to do ANYTHING to get him back. HOURS and HOURS were spent trying to understand him, talk to him, figure HIS CRAP OUT. He did no work. I was doing it all. Ugh. Looking back just makes me...UGH! :mad:
Makes me laugh now. I probably should have just let him go, to be honest.
Anyway, he moves back in September because he got fired. I was weary of that because I wanted it to be his CHOICE, not his default. In any case, I was happy. The kids (2 girls aged 11 and 2 at the time) were happy.
He was good for a while. Phone was still shady. Some chick texted him at midnight about just getting home...a "friend" he said. Right. Ok. He then said other things to me while in bed...basically asking if I could become tighter for him. Wow. Talk about killing my libido. I do not think I have been wet for him since.
Anyway, roll down about a year...his drinking is OUT OF CONTROL. He's drinking about 10 beers a night. Weekends or nights before his day off are worse. He sits and does NOTHING. Just sits there. Drunk. I ignore. I am too scared to rock the boat.
I go to him to ask him what's wrong as he was just crawling back into himself like he did the last time he left. He said nothing was wrong but he wasn't happy, blah blah...I asked if he wanted to work things out he said no.
I asked if he wanted this life. He said no.
I asked if he wanted this marriage. He said no.
He then said he never loved me and never wanted to get married. He was sad when he said it, but still.
We decided then that we'd be separated and whatever we do in life is our own business. I was done. I was tired of always worrying and caring about his feelings. It was time for me.
So I left that night. I was numb. I was not upset, however...I felt RELIEVED.
I stayed the night at a friend's. I did my own thing. I took care of my kids. He moved out 3 months later (April). I filed divorce in May. I met someone. I was woken up. I fell in love. It was the first time I've ever fallen in love with someone...my 2 other big relationships were with my baby daddies...that I knew for a few months before getting pregnant (Yes, my 14 year old has a dad that I dated 2 months before SURPRISE!...my husband is the other. Yea.)
But over 1 year, I fell in love with this person. I mean...I can't even describe it. It's like finding the other half of my sky :o I have never loved someone with all of me and with no expectations. I was loved fully just for being me! I was tolerated (lol!) and adored for things that I find annoying about myself. My face hurt from perma smile. My heart was exploding. People noticed my glow. :o
But husband comes back. He's sober. He wants to come home. He gets sick (some stomach/liver issues) and he moves in because we didn't know what the future held with his health.
I felt like maybe I should give it another try when I'm not angry or sad or anything...because of the kids and mortgage and dogs.
He and I get along great! We have fun. We do things. We co-habitate. We can get each other off.
We are not emotionally or physically intimate. He doesn't know how. I ask him how he feels and he says, "fine". He won't work on his issues that he knows he has and that's all Ive been doing for 2 years! Working on MY issues. ...becoming better. Stronger.
The person I left to come back to this marriage is gone...out of the picture. I guess that is good...makes things more clear of what is wrong in the whole thing. My husband knows about this person...he's known from the beginning. I don't cheat.
I asked him about all the things he said to me...about not loving me, etc. He said he was angry and trying to push me away. Really? I come asking to work things out and that's what is said? I don't buy it.
I have to be honest-- I'm not in love with him any longer. I was--- oh god, I so was!! But all the bullshet (some of you remember) and the lies...omg the lies...and the money issues (lying about money, taking out his 401K without paying taxes or telling me...yea)...I love him. I have no passion for him. I have a hard time trusting him. He says he never cheated, but I don't believe him. (He had a F-buddy while we were separated. She was a winner. A drunk too.) He tries to be sweet and I feel nothing.
This other person understood my desire to see if I could make it work. It hurt her very badly. I feel like I'm just stuck.
Do I break up a family because I am not blissful? Is life supposed to be blissful? Don't marriages go through shet? Maybe it will be better in time?
Arg. I don't know. I am irritated at myself for not having the courage to live my life...but I also recognize that my life concerns 2 other people who need their dad.
But what about my heart?
And this is where I am. We're polite. Sometimes I think he feels stuck too. How can he leave again when he swore he never would?
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