My wife and I have had what seems to be an odd sexual relationship. I had posted on here over a year ago when I came to a mental breaking point. The advice helped me come out of my serious depression over it, but my action and what followed also brought about a strange paradigm for our marriage.
We have been married almost 4 years and have been together for more than 11. We met in college, where she was an international student. After college she stayed here in the US for awhile and then returned home for 2 years before returning and us getting married. Our sex life was always fairly vanilla. She was not into anything other than the basic "lets just get it over with" type of sex. Over time it went from a few times a week when we were first dating. After marriage it was once a month for the first half a year, until it dropped to non-existent. It is largely my fault. I stopped asking because I felt I either had to feel like crap when she turned me down, or worse we had sex and she would noticeably be uncomfortable followed by complaining about being sore. She attributed most of the problems to my "equipment" being too large for her to enjoy it. That was the same reason there was no other intimate contact because it made her wrist and elbow hurt and made her mouth sore. After coming on TAM and chatting about my problem I am pretty sure that was not the entire problem (if it really was a problem at all).
That is all behind me now. I finally brought it up with her that I was not getting enough out of the relationship, and I felt like she was unhappy, constantly depressed, and had a habit of verbally taking it out on me. She went to counseling and I think she feels better, although some days I think she is just better at hiding it since she now knows I notice. The sex life is now awkward. Way more awkward than when we just were essentially sexless. The worst part of it is I feel like it is all my fault now. Given what happened I don't think she would turn me down, but I don't want to ask. I don't want to feel like she is doing it as part of her "duty". Like its the crappy part of her job that she hates doing, but she doesn't want to lose the job so she grins and bares it. Even when she brings it up now, I know it is because she feels like it has been more than a month and she thinks that this is what I want. So she will bring it up as in we have not had sex in awhile should we do that.
I came to TAM desperate and hurting because I felt I was getting older and missing something in my life. I felt like a loser when other married friends of mine talked about their sexlife and I would just clam up. I had made the mistake of hinting that I had not had sex in months, and felt like an idiot when I found out that is not as normal as society makes it out to be.
So now. Now I avoid any situation that could lead to semi-forced sexual intimacy. I want sex, but not like this. To be honest I am wishy-washy on whether I even want sex anymore. I get horny, I want it to go away, but is that really the same as wanting sex? I don't know. This will seem like a crazy rant to most and probably just crazy to the rest. I feel so guilty now. I don't know what to do. I feel like when we do have sex now neither one of us really want it. She does it because she now feels it is part of her job as a wife. I don't want it like that, but I feel bad turning her down. She feels like she is not being a good wife if it goes longer than a few months without. So we both just do it and try to get it over with. It is just so weird. I don't know how it ever came to this. I love my wife, but I don't know if I am in love with her that way anymore. I can't stand to think about hurting her. Some days I wish she would find someone else and leave me. I know that is a co wards way out, but it would put my mind at ease.
I just feel so guilty, knowing that she feels guilty, and the only way we have been dealing with it is by not dealing with it. I lost my motivation for change. I pushed for it, life changed, and now it's an awkward bowl of $#@! soup. With my luck I will get ED a month after she finally leaves me.
We have been married almost 4 years and have been together for more than 11. We met in college, where she was an international student. After college she stayed here in the US for awhile and then returned home for 2 years before returning and us getting married. Our sex life was always fairly vanilla. She was not into anything other than the basic "lets just get it over with" type of sex. Over time it went from a few times a week when we were first dating. After marriage it was once a month for the first half a year, until it dropped to non-existent. It is largely my fault. I stopped asking because I felt I either had to feel like crap when she turned me down, or worse we had sex and she would noticeably be uncomfortable followed by complaining about being sore. She attributed most of the problems to my "equipment" being too large for her to enjoy it. That was the same reason there was no other intimate contact because it made her wrist and elbow hurt and made her mouth sore. After coming on TAM and chatting about my problem I am pretty sure that was not the entire problem (if it really was a problem at all).
That is all behind me now. I finally brought it up with her that I was not getting enough out of the relationship, and I felt like she was unhappy, constantly depressed, and had a habit of verbally taking it out on me. She went to counseling and I think she feels better, although some days I think she is just better at hiding it since she now knows I notice. The sex life is now awkward. Way more awkward than when we just were essentially sexless. The worst part of it is I feel like it is all my fault now. Given what happened I don't think she would turn me down, but I don't want to ask. I don't want to feel like she is doing it as part of her "duty". Like its the crappy part of her job that she hates doing, but she doesn't want to lose the job so she grins and bares it. Even when she brings it up now, I know it is because she feels like it has been more than a month and she thinks that this is what I want. So she will bring it up as in we have not had sex in awhile should we do that.
I came to TAM desperate and hurting because I felt I was getting older and missing something in my life. I felt like a loser when other married friends of mine talked about their sexlife and I would just clam up. I had made the mistake of hinting that I had not had sex in months, and felt like an idiot when I found out that is not as normal as society makes it out to be.
So now. Now I avoid any situation that could lead to semi-forced sexual intimacy. I want sex, but not like this. To be honest I am wishy-washy on whether I even want sex anymore. I get horny, I want it to go away, but is that really the same as wanting sex? I don't know. This will seem like a crazy rant to most and probably just crazy to the rest. I feel so guilty now. I don't know what to do. I feel like when we do have sex now neither one of us really want it. She does it because she now feels it is part of her job as a wife. I don't want it like that, but I feel bad turning her down. She feels like she is not being a good wife if it goes longer than a few months without. So we both just do it and try to get it over with. It is just so weird. I don't know how it ever came to this. I love my wife, but I don't know if I am in love with her that way anymore. I can't stand to think about hurting her. Some days I wish she would find someone else and leave me. I know that is a co wards way out, but it would put my mind at ease.
I just feel so guilty, knowing that she feels guilty, and the only way we have been dealing with it is by not dealing with it. I lost my motivation for change. I pushed for it, life changed, and now it's an awkward bowl of $#@! soup. With my luck I will get ED a month after she finally leaves me.
Put the internet to work for you.
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