I know there is kind of a thread for this sort of post, but I felt with the length of what I typed, I did not want it lost in the comment shuffle. I don't know why I am posting this or even how I ended up here, I just know I am at the end of my rope and I am fearful that thigs are only going to get worse for me.
It is a bad day :(
__________________________________________________ ____
Dear whomever cares to read this,
I am writing all this out maybe as a form of therapy for myself, but maybe I can get feedback that will help me as well. Also, for men who think that an affair is something they may want to try. If I can help one guy, maybe that will make me feel a little better.
To say that I find myself in a dark place would be an understatement. I spend hours of each waking day on an emotional roller coaster that seemingly never ends and the days only seem to get harder. My story starts years ago soon after the first child came into our marriage two weeks before our first anniversary. I was 24 and honestly looking back, was not ready emotionally for a child and a marriage that needed to support one. I was still a little caught up in having fun and even gaming on my computer. I am an IT professional for a living and the computer world has always been a large part of my life. Child two came into our marriage 2 years after number one and I had honestly not changed a whole lot. I am not sure if my lack of focus on our marriage and the kids came from me trying to escape mentally or if it was me feeling like a third wheel in m y own home because all of my wife's efforts and love seemingly went into our children. Years passed and her and I seemingly drifted further and further apart. Sex became a chore for her and I don't think it ever happened without significant begging and pleading on my part. We tried counseling, we tried talking, we tried books, we tried all kinds of things, but we always seemed to fall short.
In August of 2012 I took a work trip to Houston, TX for training. I was going to be there for almost three weeks and it would be the longest amount of time I was away from home. While away on this trip the utter feeling of loneliness really crept in on me. I never knew how alone and empty I felt really until this point. While away on this trip I went out to random places in my free time and I was "open" to companionship. I didn't really make any moves, but I think I knew inside if something presented itself I would most likely pursue it. Well needless to say a few things presented themselves and I DID NOT go after it. I remained true and actually learned a valuable lesson. I didn't want to be "that guy". I wanted to avoid that path and be everything my marriage, my wife, and my kids needed.
From that day forward I started putting 100% effort into my wife and family. I organized activities, planned dates, performed chores, and avoided all "distractions". I was feeling great about myself and all the work I was putting in. Months passed and I stayed true to my course and had many conversations with my wife about my new attitude and she had noticed, but she kept hanging the past over my head. I gave it more time and kept putting in hard work, but for her nothing changed. I was hoping that we would re-connect and things would get better with us, but nothing happened. Our sex life was still terrible and I was getting little to zero attention from her.
When she and I talk about this time period now she admits she was holding onto past resentment and she refused to move on. Something we have learned since was about "The 5 Love Languages" http://ift.tt/wSgfRI . Her and I both agree we were expressing love in ways that the other did not understand. I unknowingly found hers through all my hard work, but she was not expressing mine. Either way this misunderstanding lead to further downfall and the loneliness I felt kept growing.
The final straw for me was on Sunday, June 16 2013 (Father's Day). We had a great morning together as a family with the kids and we were talking about what else to do that day. I don't remember having a lot of ideas, but I was tired from working the night before and had to go into work late that night as well. She wanted to take the kids to a concert that was about 1.5 hours away that evening and I expressed that I really did not want to go and could not because of work. I did say I would like to do something together, but if she really wanted to take them then I guess she could go. So she went and I had dinner by myself. I can still remember fighting tears back as I ate dinner alone on father's day, my eyes are welling up now thinking about it. I then went back to our house and sat there alone in the living room no lights, no TV, just the sound of the wall clock ticking and the fading light of the day and shadows creeping across the floor. I stared at the walls and sobbed in loneliness and pain for hours as my head spun. I recalled the last 10 months of turning all my life, habits, and actions around and where it has lead me. This was a HUGE turning point for me and will forever be a pinpoint on my timeline of life. Two days later on June 18, 2014 my life changed in a way I will never forget, EVER. I was on another work trip and I met a woman (I'll call her Kris) I had never seen at a remote office my company owns. I can still remember the first time I saw her and it was like it happened in slow motion. I was struck by her aura as I later recalled it.
Kris and I seemingly had a very good chemistry from the very first conversation we had together. Nothing inappropriate, just professional talk about business and some minor idle chit chat. After a few days working there and a few short conversations I was on my way back home, nothing personal between her and I was ever discussed or even hinted at. The days following me being there, there were a few communications, nothing serious until I asked her for her cell number. Now there was a perfectly legitimate reason for asking at the time, but deep down I am sure I knew better. Late the following Friday I needed her assistance with an issue at their office and no one was there, I could get no answers on any of the phones so I called her cell. She was mowing the grass at home and apologized, it wasn't a huge deal so we just laughed and that was that. The following Saturday I was working in my garage installing a new light and my phone got a text alert. IT WAS HER!
Kris and I began texting back and forth from this point very regular. We had pretty much a constant dialog that went on for the next month that was 20k-30k text messages. We also started talking on the phone and talking until 2-3am almost nightly. We also exchanged lengthy emails and stories about our lives. What I felt I found was someone that liked me and listened to me. Someone that really cared about me and I was important to. All these things I was missing for so long all of a sudden were being fulfilled and for the first time in a long time I didn't feel so alone. Then came the day when she told me that she was not single, that she had a boyfriend she had been with for 5 years and that they were more like room-mates.
She told me that they were over and that he would not leave, and how miserable she was. I then told her that I was married and felt like I was in much the same situation that she was. Kris and I connected on a whole new level at this point as I felt like much the same as she did. We had made plans for me to stop by and see her on July 3rd as I was passing through her area. We made these plans before we knew these details, but we both wanted to keep them.
I stopped by in July and we met for a while and I gave her a letter that I had written to preface things I wanted to say. After hours of conversation and her grabbing my hand for the first time (the first time we touched) I stumbled and told her that I had fallen in love with her. I was choked up and so was she and we were both scared out of our minds. We went for a walk and talked about all kinds of things, but all I could think of was I wanted to kiss her. I stopped her mid-sentence while she was talking and say "Kris, I am sorry to interrupt, but I am having a hard time focusing on your words when all I want to do is kiss you, can I kiss you?" I pulled her in close and we paused, she buried her face in my chest until I pulled her chin up and our lips met. Nothing more happened that night other than kisses, but it was clear to us both that our lives would never be the same. I went back to my hotel and she went home.
Weeks passed and she and I got closer, I all but forgot about being married and what all that meant. All I knew was that for the first time in a long time I was happy and had something to look forward to every day. We continued to talk and make plans to meet, and did so. We met again and spent weekend's together and made love. Then we started making plans and made ways to spend almost a week together at a time. All the time we kept making plans for the future and "us". I was to leave my wife and she was to leave her boyfriend.
She eventually ended things with her boyfriend and she and I continued as usual. Planning my exit from my marriage. When it all came down to it we had a conversation just before Christmas 2013 that I could not leave. The realization of me not being at home for my kids every day was too much for me to handle. I had to be there for them, I am their daddy and in some ways I am their world. From this point Kris and I kept trying to step back but we were always drawn back to each other. We met several more times and made many wonderful memories, but April 2014 was the last time I saw her. It was a soul tearing departure and we were both devastated, but we agreed it was best for all of us, my wife and kids included.
Now I find myself sitting here 5 weeks removed from seeing Kris, and I am a miserable mess. Everything I see about love, and forever makes me think of her. All these wonderful things that I should feel for my wife, I don't. I try and kid myself, I try and fake it, but they are all still there. How do I get back to the man I was before the affair? My wife knows of the affair, but not to the extent it was. She and I have talked about it for hours, and honestly my wife is doing all the things now and being the woman I always wished she was when I was trying so hard. This was a wake-up call for her, but is it too late for me? Can I get past all the pain, the guilt, the loss? Every day is a struggle and some days I just don't want to get out of bed.
If you are a man reading this and are thinking of an affair, please listen to these words. IT IS NOT WORTH IT! You cannot imagine the pain down this road for you, your wife, your kids, and your prospective lover. I spend every day hurting inside, seemingly mostly from the loss of my best friend (Kris). I know we had to cut things off but it is killing me inside and I feel like I am suffering alone in silence, but this is better than my kids suffering. I feel like I just picked the lesser of two evils and the pain and guilt is my punishment. I am living in my own personal HELL.
I have left a lot of details out, but this is the general over view, but for the few that read this, thank you and I appreciate any input.
Lost and drifting into oblivion,
-Cast-Away
It is a bad day :(
__________________________________________________ ____
Dear whomever cares to read this,
I am writing all this out maybe as a form of therapy for myself, but maybe I can get feedback that will help me as well. Also, for men who think that an affair is something they may want to try. If I can help one guy, maybe that will make me feel a little better.
To say that I find myself in a dark place would be an understatement. I spend hours of each waking day on an emotional roller coaster that seemingly never ends and the days only seem to get harder. My story starts years ago soon after the first child came into our marriage two weeks before our first anniversary. I was 24 and honestly looking back, was not ready emotionally for a child and a marriage that needed to support one. I was still a little caught up in having fun and even gaming on my computer. I am an IT professional for a living and the computer world has always been a large part of my life. Child two came into our marriage 2 years after number one and I had honestly not changed a whole lot. I am not sure if my lack of focus on our marriage and the kids came from me trying to escape mentally or if it was me feeling like a third wheel in m y own home because all of my wife's efforts and love seemingly went into our children. Years passed and her and I seemingly drifted further and further apart. Sex became a chore for her and I don't think it ever happened without significant begging and pleading on my part. We tried counseling, we tried talking, we tried books, we tried all kinds of things, but we always seemed to fall short.
In August of 2012 I took a work trip to Houston, TX for training. I was going to be there for almost three weeks and it would be the longest amount of time I was away from home. While away on this trip the utter feeling of loneliness really crept in on me. I never knew how alone and empty I felt really until this point. While away on this trip I went out to random places in my free time and I was "open" to companionship. I didn't really make any moves, but I think I knew inside if something presented itself I would most likely pursue it. Well needless to say a few things presented themselves and I DID NOT go after it. I remained true and actually learned a valuable lesson. I didn't want to be "that guy". I wanted to avoid that path and be everything my marriage, my wife, and my kids needed.
From that day forward I started putting 100% effort into my wife and family. I organized activities, planned dates, performed chores, and avoided all "distractions". I was feeling great about myself and all the work I was putting in. Months passed and I stayed true to my course and had many conversations with my wife about my new attitude and she had noticed, but she kept hanging the past over my head. I gave it more time and kept putting in hard work, but for her nothing changed. I was hoping that we would re-connect and things would get better with us, but nothing happened. Our sex life was still terrible and I was getting little to zero attention from her.
When she and I talk about this time period now she admits she was holding onto past resentment and she refused to move on. Something we have learned since was about "The 5 Love Languages" http://ift.tt/wSgfRI . Her and I both agree we were expressing love in ways that the other did not understand. I unknowingly found hers through all my hard work, but she was not expressing mine. Either way this misunderstanding lead to further downfall and the loneliness I felt kept growing.
The final straw for me was on Sunday, June 16 2013 (Father's Day). We had a great morning together as a family with the kids and we were talking about what else to do that day. I don't remember having a lot of ideas, but I was tired from working the night before and had to go into work late that night as well. She wanted to take the kids to a concert that was about 1.5 hours away that evening and I expressed that I really did not want to go and could not because of work. I did say I would like to do something together, but if she really wanted to take them then I guess she could go. So she went and I had dinner by myself. I can still remember fighting tears back as I ate dinner alone on father's day, my eyes are welling up now thinking about it. I then went back to our house and sat there alone in the living room no lights, no TV, just the sound of the wall clock ticking and the fading light of the day and shadows creeping across the floor. I stared at the walls and sobbed in loneliness and pain for hours as my head spun. I recalled the last 10 months of turning all my life, habits, and actions around and where it has lead me. This was a HUGE turning point for me and will forever be a pinpoint on my timeline of life. Two days later on June 18, 2014 my life changed in a way I will never forget, EVER. I was on another work trip and I met a woman (I'll call her Kris) I had never seen at a remote office my company owns. I can still remember the first time I saw her and it was like it happened in slow motion. I was struck by her aura as I later recalled it.
Kris and I seemingly had a very good chemistry from the very first conversation we had together. Nothing inappropriate, just professional talk about business and some minor idle chit chat. After a few days working there and a few short conversations I was on my way back home, nothing personal between her and I was ever discussed or even hinted at. The days following me being there, there were a few communications, nothing serious until I asked her for her cell number. Now there was a perfectly legitimate reason for asking at the time, but deep down I am sure I knew better. Late the following Friday I needed her assistance with an issue at their office and no one was there, I could get no answers on any of the phones so I called her cell. She was mowing the grass at home and apologized, it wasn't a huge deal so we just laughed and that was that. The following Saturday I was working in my garage installing a new light and my phone got a text alert. IT WAS HER!
Kris and I began texting back and forth from this point very regular. We had pretty much a constant dialog that went on for the next month that was 20k-30k text messages. We also started talking on the phone and talking until 2-3am almost nightly. We also exchanged lengthy emails and stories about our lives. What I felt I found was someone that liked me and listened to me. Someone that really cared about me and I was important to. All these things I was missing for so long all of a sudden were being fulfilled and for the first time in a long time I didn't feel so alone. Then came the day when she told me that she was not single, that she had a boyfriend she had been with for 5 years and that they were more like room-mates.
She told me that they were over and that he would not leave, and how miserable she was. I then told her that I was married and felt like I was in much the same situation that she was. Kris and I connected on a whole new level at this point as I felt like much the same as she did. We had made plans for me to stop by and see her on July 3rd as I was passing through her area. We made these plans before we knew these details, but we both wanted to keep them.
I stopped by in July and we met for a while and I gave her a letter that I had written to preface things I wanted to say. After hours of conversation and her grabbing my hand for the first time (the first time we touched) I stumbled and told her that I had fallen in love with her. I was choked up and so was she and we were both scared out of our minds. We went for a walk and talked about all kinds of things, but all I could think of was I wanted to kiss her. I stopped her mid-sentence while she was talking and say "Kris, I am sorry to interrupt, but I am having a hard time focusing on your words when all I want to do is kiss you, can I kiss you?" I pulled her in close and we paused, she buried her face in my chest until I pulled her chin up and our lips met. Nothing more happened that night other than kisses, but it was clear to us both that our lives would never be the same. I went back to my hotel and she went home.
Weeks passed and she and I got closer, I all but forgot about being married and what all that meant. All I knew was that for the first time in a long time I was happy and had something to look forward to every day. We continued to talk and make plans to meet, and did so. We met again and spent weekend's together and made love. Then we started making plans and made ways to spend almost a week together at a time. All the time we kept making plans for the future and "us". I was to leave my wife and she was to leave her boyfriend.
She eventually ended things with her boyfriend and she and I continued as usual. Planning my exit from my marriage. When it all came down to it we had a conversation just before Christmas 2013 that I could not leave. The realization of me not being at home for my kids every day was too much for me to handle. I had to be there for them, I am their daddy and in some ways I am their world. From this point Kris and I kept trying to step back but we were always drawn back to each other. We met several more times and made many wonderful memories, but April 2014 was the last time I saw her. It was a soul tearing departure and we were both devastated, but we agreed it was best for all of us, my wife and kids included.
Now I find myself sitting here 5 weeks removed from seeing Kris, and I am a miserable mess. Everything I see about love, and forever makes me think of her. All these wonderful things that I should feel for my wife, I don't. I try and kid myself, I try and fake it, but they are all still there. How do I get back to the man I was before the affair? My wife knows of the affair, but not to the extent it was. She and I have talked about it for hours, and honestly my wife is doing all the things now and being the woman I always wished she was when I was trying so hard. This was a wake-up call for her, but is it too late for me? Can I get past all the pain, the guilt, the loss? Every day is a struggle and some days I just don't want to get out of bed.
If you are a man reading this and are thinking of an affair, please listen to these words. IT IS NOT WORTH IT! You cannot imagine the pain down this road for you, your wife, your kids, and your prospective lover. I spend every day hurting inside, seemingly mostly from the loss of my best friend (Kris). I know we had to cut things off but it is killing me inside and I feel like I am suffering alone in silence, but this is better than my kids suffering. I feel like I just picked the lesser of two evils and the pain and guilt is my punishment. I am living in my own personal HELL.
I have left a lot of details out, but this is the general over view, but for the few that read this, thank you and I appreciate any input.
Lost and drifting into oblivion,
-Cast-Away
Put the internet to work for you.
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