Hello everyone,
I have been reluctant to post on here because I am getting all the "professional" support and help I might need. I've bought books and I am reading them. I am in IC to get some emotional support and to work through my issues. I am on med for my depression and anxiety (doesn't seem to be working for me). Will ask my GP to change them. I have an appointment with psychotherapy for my depression and suicidal ideation. I see another counsellor every month to help me with studies and mood swings. I have been with both counsellors since October.
Despite all of this, I made myself end up in A&E last week, and I am well behind in my coursework and have to wait another year to finish my degree.
What I feel:
-emotionally drained and exhausted.
For example sometimes i feel like I can't cope with life anymore. Studying , going back to work or just simply living seems a huge task.
-choas , confusion and lack of clarity.
For example I just ended a relationship with someone. I posted about it before. I told my therapist I felt my life was chaotic. She disagreed with me. So on the surface everything seems normal but in my head I feel like things are messed up.
- huge mood swings due to negative thoughts about myself or the experiences I have.
So recently I texted someone I dated before and thought we were still friends now. He didn't reply to my text. It was simply "hi how are you?" . He didn't even know what I wanted from him. So I felt rejected. Days later a not-so-good friend texted me. I didn't want to reply because I thought he was pushy. Then I remembered the rejection I had from my other friend . I was like" oh yeah I must have been annoying person to him. Didn't meant anything to him. He wanted me out of his life" and then felt bad.
-Intense emotions most of the time:
I experience intense emotions . I overreact. I did this MANY times. I get very upset because of a thought . I end up blocking someone or deleting their number. In the morning I am back to normal and unblock them. Sometimes I react towards my feelings and thoughts and not to the actual incident. So someone doesn't reply or act cold with me and I end up blocking them? To me I feel like their names are written in CAPITAL letters in front of my eyes . I want to get rid of them. Blocking them gives me the illusion that they are out of my life!( coping mechanism) avoidance.
-I contradict myself :
This follows from the previous point. So I block someone and go to sleep. Days later I unblock them and text them! Or reply if they text me and I am super nice to them. It doesn't seem like I wanted to kick them out of my life days before.( yes idealising someone and then hate and outrage towards them).
- I live on drama:
I really really want to live in peace with myself. I meditate and try to be mindful in my life. However, what I do day to day doesn't reflect this desire. So I dated this guy for 2 months and it ended(by me) . We met in a class (not at uni). I know he still goes there and if I go I will see him. I promise myself I wouldn't go again to this class but I end up going !( contradicting myself again). I am drawn to anticipation , then seeing him and getting an adrenaline rush. Him ignoring me and then getting disappointed . Going home feeling sad.
Same thing happens with another guy every other month. Same scenario . just different time&place setting , and different characters.
-internal conflict:
I know what I SHOULD do but not what I NEED . I have all the rules lied down in my head but I have so many needs unidentified and unmet. Sometimes I beat myself so hard for going to talk to someone I liked. So I am like " ok will go and talk to him a bit" . I do or don't get the response I wanted, but I then beat myself up. I should protect myself. I shouldn't open up...etc.
The list goes on and on but if you read this far thank you!!!
I have been reluctant to post on here because I am getting all the "professional" support and help I might need. I've bought books and I am reading them. I am in IC to get some emotional support and to work through my issues. I am on med for my depression and anxiety (doesn't seem to be working for me). Will ask my GP to change them. I have an appointment with psychotherapy for my depression and suicidal ideation. I see another counsellor every month to help me with studies and mood swings. I have been with both counsellors since October.
Despite all of this, I made myself end up in A&E last week, and I am well behind in my coursework and have to wait another year to finish my degree.
What I feel:
-emotionally drained and exhausted.
For example sometimes i feel like I can't cope with life anymore. Studying , going back to work or just simply living seems a huge task.
-choas , confusion and lack of clarity.
For example I just ended a relationship with someone. I posted about it before. I told my therapist I felt my life was chaotic. She disagreed with me. So on the surface everything seems normal but in my head I feel like things are messed up.
- huge mood swings due to negative thoughts about myself or the experiences I have.
So recently I texted someone I dated before and thought we were still friends now. He didn't reply to my text. It was simply "hi how are you?" . He didn't even know what I wanted from him. So I felt rejected. Days later a not-so-good friend texted me. I didn't want to reply because I thought he was pushy. Then I remembered the rejection I had from my other friend . I was like" oh yeah I must have been annoying person to him. Didn't meant anything to him. He wanted me out of his life" and then felt bad.
-Intense emotions most of the time:
I experience intense emotions . I overreact. I did this MANY times. I get very upset because of a thought . I end up blocking someone or deleting their number. In the morning I am back to normal and unblock them. Sometimes I react towards my feelings and thoughts and not to the actual incident. So someone doesn't reply or act cold with me and I end up blocking them? To me I feel like their names are written in CAPITAL letters in front of my eyes . I want to get rid of them. Blocking them gives me the illusion that they are out of my life!( coping mechanism) avoidance.
-I contradict myself :
This follows from the previous point. So I block someone and go to sleep. Days later I unblock them and text them! Or reply if they text me and I am super nice to them. It doesn't seem like I wanted to kick them out of my life days before.( yes idealising someone and then hate and outrage towards them).
- I live on drama:
I really really want to live in peace with myself. I meditate and try to be mindful in my life. However, what I do day to day doesn't reflect this desire. So I dated this guy for 2 months and it ended(by me) . We met in a class (not at uni). I know he still goes there and if I go I will see him. I promise myself I wouldn't go again to this class but I end up going !( contradicting myself again). I am drawn to anticipation , then seeing him and getting an adrenaline rush. Him ignoring me and then getting disappointed . Going home feeling sad.
Same thing happens with another guy every other month. Same scenario . just different time&place setting , and different characters.
-internal conflict:
I know what I SHOULD do but not what I NEED . I have all the rules lied down in my head but I have so many needs unidentified and unmet. Sometimes I beat myself so hard for going to talk to someone I liked. So I am like " ok will go and talk to him a bit" . I do or don't get the response I wanted, but I then beat myself up. I should protect myself. I shouldn't open up...etc.
The list goes on and on but if you read this far thank you!!!
Put the internet to work for you.
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