...aka the " White Knight."
Anyone knows what I'm talking about?
Ladies , have you ever seen one?
Men ,do you know what defines one?
Recently I was on another thread and I mentioned the term. A new member / " registered user" PMed me and asked to help define it for her, because her husband fell into a situation similar to what I was describing in the thread.
[BTW, welcome to TAM new member, hope you find solutions to your problems here!]
The " white knight " syndrome is a problem that seems to plague men. It's the idea that certain types of men have where they feel a compulsion to ' help" people , most times women who present themselves as, or whom they view as " damsels in distress."
Absolutely nothing is wrong with helping people who want to be helped,but the problem with the white knight is the motive behind his compulsive drive to " help" people.
His motives usually comes from a place of low self esteem , where he constantly yearns for external validation. In other words, deep down inside , he doesn't think he's a good person and people like him for who he is , so he constantly seeks out people who are broken or damsels in distress to help "fix" them, they shower him with praise and he feels validated.
The problem with this is that there are also broken women who seek out white knights , and they milk him for all he's worth.
I have seen quite a few relationships wrecked by women who use white knights.
If he's married or in a committed relationship, the problem becomes ten times worse because his poor wife is trying to reason with him and he begins to project his insecurity on to her ,telling her that she's acting jealous and insecure ,driving a wedge between them.
She begins to question her sanity, even though her gut tells her that little Mrs " damsel in distress / hottie " next door or on his work is poaching on her marital territory,whilst he's like a zombie ,entering into affair territory , yearning for some extra external validation.
I have a lot of empathy for "White Knights". I was almost there myself. I think they should take some time for self-reflection and save themselves. It's admirable to want to "step up to the plate" and sometimes "White Knights" really can end up rescuing an appreciative woman . But I would caution anyone who feels the need to "rescue" to step back, take a deep breath, and take stock. You can't save anyone who doesn't want to save themselves.
Stop fooling yourself. Being a "White Knight" is a thankless job that will get you nowhere, and it will put your marriage in serious trouble.
So how could a man recognize and deal with the white knight tendencies he may have in himself?
1] Know that you are a good man and stop depending on strange women outside of your marriage for validation. Work on building a healthy self esteem.You are a good man,not because other women say so, but because you respect yourself, your wife, provide for your family ,love your kids and are a responsible citizen.
2]Listen to your wife, even though sometimes she might seem a bit insecure about the relationship, your first duty is to make her feel secure. Helping other women is incidental to you being a good husband and man .
3]Your wife is your team mate, treat her opinions as such.If you must help a damsel in distress, then logically , you would need your team mate's input.
4]Be honest with yourself. Recognize your boundaries, limitations and weaknesses. Nothing is wrong with going out of your way to help a damsel in distress, but it is morally reprehensible to pretend you're trying to help another woman when your wife at home is unhappy and needs your urgent attention.
5] Did I mention LISTEN TO YOUR WIFE?
This is just a little synopsis of the knight In shining Armor syndrome, and the root causes of it.
But there is much more and ,
Your inputs are welcome.
Feel free to post your thoughts and experiences.
Anyone knows what I'm talking about?
Ladies , have you ever seen one?
Men ,do you know what defines one?
Recently I was on another thread and I mentioned the term. A new member / " registered user" PMed me and asked to help define it for her, because her husband fell into a situation similar to what I was describing in the thread.
[BTW, welcome to TAM new member, hope you find solutions to your problems here!]
The " white knight " syndrome is a problem that seems to plague men. It's the idea that certain types of men have where they feel a compulsion to ' help" people , most times women who present themselves as, or whom they view as " damsels in distress."
Absolutely nothing is wrong with helping people who want to be helped,but the problem with the white knight is the motive behind his compulsive drive to " help" people.
His motives usually comes from a place of low self esteem , where he constantly yearns for external validation. In other words, deep down inside , he doesn't think he's a good person and people like him for who he is , so he constantly seeks out people who are broken or damsels in distress to help "fix" them, they shower him with praise and he feels validated.
The problem with this is that there are also broken women who seek out white knights , and they milk him for all he's worth.
I have seen quite a few relationships wrecked by women who use white knights.
If he's married or in a committed relationship, the problem becomes ten times worse because his poor wife is trying to reason with him and he begins to project his insecurity on to her ,telling her that she's acting jealous and insecure ,driving a wedge between them.
She begins to question her sanity, even though her gut tells her that little Mrs " damsel in distress / hottie " next door or on his work is poaching on her marital territory,whilst he's like a zombie ,entering into affair territory , yearning for some extra external validation.
I have a lot of empathy for "White Knights". I was almost there myself. I think they should take some time for self-reflection and save themselves. It's admirable to want to "step up to the plate" and sometimes "White Knights" really can end up rescuing an appreciative woman . But I would caution anyone who feels the need to "rescue" to step back, take a deep breath, and take stock. You can't save anyone who doesn't want to save themselves.
Stop fooling yourself. Being a "White Knight" is a thankless job that will get you nowhere, and it will put your marriage in serious trouble.
So how could a man recognize and deal with the white knight tendencies he may have in himself?
1] Know that you are a good man and stop depending on strange women outside of your marriage for validation. Work on building a healthy self esteem.You are a good man,not because other women say so, but because you respect yourself, your wife, provide for your family ,love your kids and are a responsible citizen.
2]Listen to your wife, even though sometimes she might seem a bit insecure about the relationship, your first duty is to make her feel secure. Helping other women is incidental to you being a good husband and man .
3]Your wife is your team mate, treat her opinions as such.If you must help a damsel in distress, then logically , you would need your team mate's input.
4]Be honest with yourself. Recognize your boundaries, limitations and weaknesses. Nothing is wrong with going out of your way to help a damsel in distress, but it is morally reprehensible to pretend you're trying to help another woman when your wife at home is unhappy and needs your urgent attention.
5] Did I mention LISTEN TO YOUR WIFE?
This is just a little synopsis of the knight In shining Armor syndrome, and the root causes of it.
But there is much more and ,
Your inputs are welcome.
Feel free to post your thoughts and experiences.
Put the internet to work for you.
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