Hi,
When I was 21, my parents announced their plans to divorce to myself and two younger sisters. On my sister's 16th birthday, my father kicked my mother out after discovering she did not end her affair. The months that followed are still a blur, and years later, I have yet to make peace with it all.
My mother and I were best friends. For the first year after that day, we remained close. I'm not sure when my demeanor changed towards our relationship. It may have been when she married the man who broke our family apart months after the divorce was finalized. The effect this divorce has had on my father is what causes me to be resentful towards both of my parents - my mother, because of what she did- and my father- for how he reacted.
Before the divorce, I saw my dad cry once- at his father's funeral. After the divorce, he cries every time I see him. It has been six years and the children are grown up, the dogs have passed away and my dad is lonely. He tries to date, but it is usually a dead end. I don't know how to make him feel better. I am 25, beginning graduate school in August and living with my boyfriend. Every time I see him, he begs me to move back in. This infuriates me because of how the divorce derailed my life.
After my parents announced the divorce, I went into a depression. I was kicked out of my university for poor grades and had no choice but to come back "home" into the chaos of my parents divorce. Not only was that unhelpful as far as getting out of a depression, it only strengthened it. My mother was not living there and I was the one having to take care of my dad. Listening to him, hearing horrible things about my mother and watching him cry. The phrase, "I love your mother, I will always love your mother. If she came to the door right now, I would take her back" was said multiple times a day to all of us. And that was the least extreme of things we would hear. It was not a stable environment for us to be in. It was hell on earth. I became desensitized to emotion and "shut off" around my dad in order to appear neutral when he would talk like this, which was all the time.
I do understand that he does not have a support system. My mother is gone, he does have friends (which I think he should lean on), but he leans on us in an inappropriate manner. I can't be the one who is there for him anymore. I cry because I know he is so lonely and I try to make it over for dinner at least once a week. My youngest sister leaves for college in september and I am so concerned about how he is going to react to being alone all the time. I don't know what to do. I was hospitalized and took two years off of school for chronic daily migraines. All counselors and doctors have indicated this "event" was the root cause.
As a result, I have become more resentful towards my mother because instead of her dealing with my father, I now have to. I had dinner with her the other day and she said "hopefully I can redeem myself in your eyes one day". I keep thinking about what she said and getting so upset because I don't know if she can...... and that makes me so sad. I wish I could forget what she did.... I have forgiven.... but she lied so much to all of us, I feel like I can't trust her.
Everything is so different now. Birthdays, holidays, graduations, soon-to-be weddings. Two celebrations of everything, plus my boyfriends family. It's a hard adjustment, and I have tried to suck it up and I have been very tolerant for so long. However, I am an adult and I should not have to go to six different christmas celebrations!!! Mom, dad(On christmas, christmas eve every other year), mom's family, dad's family (not on christmas) and boyfriends family.
I just needed to let it all out..... thanks.
When I was 21, my parents announced their plans to divorce to myself and two younger sisters. On my sister's 16th birthday, my father kicked my mother out after discovering she did not end her affair. The months that followed are still a blur, and years later, I have yet to make peace with it all.
My mother and I were best friends. For the first year after that day, we remained close. I'm not sure when my demeanor changed towards our relationship. It may have been when she married the man who broke our family apart months after the divorce was finalized. The effect this divorce has had on my father is what causes me to be resentful towards both of my parents - my mother, because of what she did- and my father- for how he reacted.
Before the divorce, I saw my dad cry once- at his father's funeral. After the divorce, he cries every time I see him. It has been six years and the children are grown up, the dogs have passed away and my dad is lonely. He tries to date, but it is usually a dead end. I don't know how to make him feel better. I am 25, beginning graduate school in August and living with my boyfriend. Every time I see him, he begs me to move back in. This infuriates me because of how the divorce derailed my life.
After my parents announced the divorce, I went into a depression. I was kicked out of my university for poor grades and had no choice but to come back "home" into the chaos of my parents divorce. Not only was that unhelpful as far as getting out of a depression, it only strengthened it. My mother was not living there and I was the one having to take care of my dad. Listening to him, hearing horrible things about my mother and watching him cry. The phrase, "I love your mother, I will always love your mother. If she came to the door right now, I would take her back" was said multiple times a day to all of us. And that was the least extreme of things we would hear. It was not a stable environment for us to be in. It was hell on earth. I became desensitized to emotion and "shut off" around my dad in order to appear neutral when he would talk like this, which was all the time.
I do understand that he does not have a support system. My mother is gone, he does have friends (which I think he should lean on), but he leans on us in an inappropriate manner. I can't be the one who is there for him anymore. I cry because I know he is so lonely and I try to make it over for dinner at least once a week. My youngest sister leaves for college in september and I am so concerned about how he is going to react to being alone all the time. I don't know what to do. I was hospitalized and took two years off of school for chronic daily migraines. All counselors and doctors have indicated this "event" was the root cause.
As a result, I have become more resentful towards my mother because instead of her dealing with my father, I now have to. I had dinner with her the other day and she said "hopefully I can redeem myself in your eyes one day". I keep thinking about what she said and getting so upset because I don't know if she can...... and that makes me so sad. I wish I could forget what she did.... I have forgiven.... but she lied so much to all of us, I feel like I can't trust her.
Everything is so different now. Birthdays, holidays, graduations, soon-to-be weddings. Two celebrations of everything, plus my boyfriends family. It's a hard adjustment, and I have tried to suck it up and I have been very tolerant for so long. However, I am an adult and I should not have to go to six different christmas celebrations!!! Mom, dad(On christmas, christmas eve every other year), mom's family, dad's family (not on christmas) and boyfriends family.
I just needed to let it all out..... thanks.
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