Let me give you some background info. Yes I am very young (20) but please try to help me despite that, lol. I know this is really long but I need advice desperately so please take your time to read this. I met my current husband A in 6th grade when we were like 11. We were friends then dated two years later at 13, for about a year. I fell pretty hard for him, at least as much as a 13 year old can. I had to move and pretty much moved on from him. Enter second guy, L. We started being friends at 16, and two years later, a few months after leaving an abusive fiance (at 18 years old) we dated. I don't know how, but it was like he healed me in every way. I gained back my self-respect and self-worth just by being with him. He treated me like every girl dreams of. We really had something. I mean, REALLY. Had. Something. We had sex so I got scared and broke up with him. It was so dumb, I was afraid he would hurt me like my ex fiance had. Well, fast forward a few months and A started pursuing me again and saying that he had been in love with me the whole time we had been broken up (6 years). I really couldn't believe him and all my friends said it was fishy the things he was saying (that he had never liked any of the girls he had been with cuz of me..he had even been engaged..and that he cried over me the whole time). Well, during the time that we were kinda talking, I hung out with L and we ended up hooking up and saying how much we missed and loved each other. But he never said anything about wanting to be with me presently. I never asked either. I didn't know why I did it, I knew I was kinda with A but it was like I would take any chance I could to be intimate with L and just be with him (don't get me wrong i'm not a cheater at all and have never done anything like this otherwise). I was honest with A and told him what happened and he forgave me and said it was obvious that L wasn't interested in me. So I kinda listened and gave u p on L. I fully gave A a second chance since he seemed really, really into me and he had forgiven me like that. Things went extremely well, he was very devoted to church like me and I had always wanted that in a man. We ended up getting married. We have now been married a year and a half with a 9 month old baby girl. We have had some problems recently. I don't ask a lot but the few things I ask him not to do I made clear before we got married, don't smoke, don't watch porn, don't lie. Others may be ok with them but I am just not ok with those things and I made it clear and he agreed. Well, within 2 months he did all of these things and lied to my face several times. It makes me think he has lied about other things. He even made a fake Facebook just to look at naked/half naked women. The other thing is he got to where when I would get mad at him, he would threaten to leave because he know that hurts me most. It would be ugly. He wouldn't stop threatening until I was on the fl oor begging and crying him not to go (really embarrassing to admit). He then had no remorse afterwards but said he didn't mean anything he said. He just told me I should forgive him because it says to in the bible. He did this to the point of where I had suicidal thoughts at the time and I had NEVER had them before, I was very miserable and crying a lot and in a lot of emotional pain. He has also told me he could kill me if he wanted but only a few times and I know he didn't mean it and would never do it. He put it off as a joke. I started talking to L because I really missed his friendship a whole lot. We have always hit it off and been able to have hours long conversations and just laugh and have a good time joking around. I never had any bad intentions. I told him what happened with A and he told me that it was very wrong what he was doing to me and I didn't deserve that, he asked if i wanted to be threatened for the rest of my life. I kinda brushed it aside though and ch alked it up to him not really understanding. A few weeks later, when talking, I found out that he actually had wanted to be with me when we hooked up previously. I felt like if I had known that I would have been with him. He made it clear that he wouldn't say anything inappropriate since I was married but it was clear that he still felt that way about me. I had always thought about him but I started to more often. I never said anything inappropriate to him, but that's when I knew that was when I needed to end the talking to him, since I would never sacrifice anything for my family. A and I have been to marriage counseling since, and it has really been helping. He hasn't threatened to leave in a while or lied, to my knowledge of course. He's a wonderful husband, very affectionate, sweet, thoughtful, caring, and unselfish lover. But, I CANNOT for the life of me get my mind off of L. I have no contact with him and he is off my FB, but so many little things remind me of him. It was like knowing he felt that way intensified in my mind. But I know that it doesn't matter enough and it can't matter. But have you ever been in a place in your life where you had this deep sadness because you knew there was supposed to be more than this and that you couldn't wait any longer to get to where you're supposed to be? That's how I'm feeling. But mainly, I'm just wondering how I can get him off my mind and put all of my attention on A like he so deserves. He is so great to me and deserves my all. I haven't been able to tell any of my friends or family about this because I am so scared and ashamed to even feel this way, so that's why I came here. I know most of you are like "oh, you're 20? you're still a baby" well this baby needs some advice from some adults who may have been in this situation and either have regrets or is happy with what they decided. Just please don't be judgmental because I already feel the worst about all of this and have done everything in m y power to make sure I am being faithful to A and I've never stepped outside my marriage and have always tried my best to take care of him. Thanks!
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