So I've posted here before and I really appreciate all help. I decided to stay with my husband because he finally cracked and I feel that he might of stopped his ways. I said might because right now he is under my close observation and so far he is doing ok, but I will never be the same as of I am being careful and I gave us 1 year to see since we are both only 25, so maybe it is just case of maturing on his part.
Now. I tried to understand why he acted the way he did and I got to the point when I start thinking that he might of suffer from narcissistic PD.
I read a lot of articles about it and I agree with some but not entirely.
GOOD THINGS:
Well let's stay first that my husband is absolutely not controlling, he lets me do what I want regarding my career, my friends, he always lets me pick the places we go for dinners etc., I can remember only few situations when he was jealous of me (which at first I loved because it gave me freedom and also I liked that he trusted me, but after some time it kind of bothered me like how he is so calm and has no worries, or maybe he just doesn't tell me exactly how he feels). Money was never issue to him he supported me most of the time and never ever said anything to me about it. He is almost always in a happy, no worry mood. Like to the point when he rarely complaints, even though I know he is hurt inside by some certain situations etc. but he will just drop "i dont care" and thats it. He is very loving and affectionate and always makes me feel beautiful no matter how I actually look lol. We both joke constantly since we both have a great sense of humor. He loves to volunteer and help others. Sometimes he is naive in trusting people and I was always that eye opener for him. I was that person who would be like hey be careful this person is just using you, or dont trust this person etc. Our sex life was always good and I am attractive young woman and he always tells me how lucky he got to have someone like me in his life etc. Also just on the side note: whenever we go out we go out together, he always wants me to come along, even though few times I told him hey just have guys time.
All sounds pretty great so far, right ?
LIES, EMOTIONAL CHEATING:
First thing: his family situation is pretty ok now, but it wasn't when he was a child. he went through hell as a kid and still suffers from it and feels like his dad doesnt pay enough attention to him and feels neglected a bit (which I absolutely agree with because I can see that)
Anyways, I found out that my husband has been living quite a double life online and not only online. He loves his computer, he plays games has tons of random friends there. Didn't care about it before too much but eventually I start sensing his slow detachment from me so I start snooping. I recently discovered that he was on 4 hookup websites, and had every possible chat messenger there is. He start chatting online way before he met me. And he never stopped. He would text me while he texted two other women and tell me how much he misses and loves me while he was telling the other two that he was unhappy in marriage and flirting with them etc.(I know cause I called one of them cause I knew my husband was lying about what really happened and she told me everything and sent me print screens, he has been lying to her about plans being together and he told her he loves her, even though he has never met her). He even called one girl that he has never met in life and chatted for 40m in while telling me he was in a meeting. He has no boundaries when it comes to acting like being married. His actions were absolutely single man behavior, not someone in a relationship not mention marriage. He flirts, he chats with other women, he is very social. I have discovered that all recently and I went through hell just to understand how I could not see it. The problem I could see it here is that at the beginning of our relationship we were mostly on distance, and whenever we would fight I would always think about that its not worth loosing us since we tried so hard to be together eventually. I think I just let the things fly and he got used to it, since he never technically had the situation when he could loose me (we are dating all together 5 years), I was always the one that would try to make things good again. Also he is very competitive, hate loosing and has a big problem saying sorry. It was worse before, now I see slowly improvement with that. Also he will lie straight to my face. He is a very good liar, or maybe not anymore cause I catch on that now.
I caught him twice before txting some online girls and first time he wasn't having it, second time he start being more apologetic (begging, crying etc) and promised me fresh start. Well when he left I start digging full time because I just had to know, I had a feeling that there was more to it but I had no idea that I will find so much online dirt that I actually did. But I will give it to him the second time he did actually stopped. It's just I wouldnt let it go without recognition. He needed to know that I know all that happened and that I am not having it. That he will loose me if he will ever do it again. Now we had our second anniversary month ago and since he is away now as an anniversary gift I wrote him long email about all that I have found out all his lies etc. It was actually pretty decent email, I stayed calm but was very firm with what I want. And if he will ever decide to do something behind my back he will loose me. I think that hit him very hard. All his lies suddenly came out to the light and he even went to a priest (he doesn't believe in God) and cried and was depressed yadayada and yes he told me that he made a promise on our wedding day, that he has been a horrible husband, that he will never loose me again and that there wont be any more shes etc. that was month ago and so far he is being good. But he did admit that he has a problem. He agreed to counseling when he will be back.
It's just as much as I want to believe him and be optimistic this behavior has been going on for sooo long and him lying to me with no guilt whatsoever, keeping that double life while we were "good"... I am how sb can act like that and feel ok? How can you txt 3 women including your wife at the same time and tell them 3 different things... wouldn't that be tiring at some point?! So now I think two things one that he is just young, immature and he never learnt how to act like a husband and he just realized that he hurt our marriage very much and that he can really loose me so he will change. Or he is just a narcissist that want to keep me around as a trophy because I fit beautifully in that "perfect wife" picture.
What do you Guys think, is it worth trusting him again?
Now. I tried to understand why he acted the way he did and I got to the point when I start thinking that he might of suffer from narcissistic PD.
I read a lot of articles about it and I agree with some but not entirely.
GOOD THINGS:
Well let's stay first that my husband is absolutely not controlling, he lets me do what I want regarding my career, my friends, he always lets me pick the places we go for dinners etc., I can remember only few situations when he was jealous of me (which at first I loved because it gave me freedom and also I liked that he trusted me, but after some time it kind of bothered me like how he is so calm and has no worries, or maybe he just doesn't tell me exactly how he feels). Money was never issue to him he supported me most of the time and never ever said anything to me about it. He is almost always in a happy, no worry mood. Like to the point when he rarely complaints, even though I know he is hurt inside by some certain situations etc. but he will just drop "i dont care" and thats it. He is very loving and affectionate and always makes me feel beautiful no matter how I actually look lol. We both joke constantly since we both have a great sense of humor. He loves to volunteer and help others. Sometimes he is naive in trusting people and I was always that eye opener for him. I was that person who would be like hey be careful this person is just using you, or dont trust this person etc. Our sex life was always good and I am attractive young woman and he always tells me how lucky he got to have someone like me in his life etc. Also just on the side note: whenever we go out we go out together, he always wants me to come along, even though few times I told him hey just have guys time.
All sounds pretty great so far, right ?
LIES, EMOTIONAL CHEATING:
First thing: his family situation is pretty ok now, but it wasn't when he was a child. he went through hell as a kid and still suffers from it and feels like his dad doesnt pay enough attention to him and feels neglected a bit (which I absolutely agree with because I can see that)
Anyways, I found out that my husband has been living quite a double life online and not only online. He loves his computer, he plays games has tons of random friends there. Didn't care about it before too much but eventually I start sensing his slow detachment from me so I start snooping. I recently discovered that he was on 4 hookup websites, and had every possible chat messenger there is. He start chatting online way before he met me. And he never stopped. He would text me while he texted two other women and tell me how much he misses and loves me while he was telling the other two that he was unhappy in marriage and flirting with them etc.(I know cause I called one of them cause I knew my husband was lying about what really happened and she told me everything and sent me print screens, he has been lying to her about plans being together and he told her he loves her, even though he has never met her). He even called one girl that he has never met in life and chatted for 40m in while telling me he was in a meeting. He has no boundaries when it comes to acting like being married. His actions were absolutely single man behavior, not someone in a relationship not mention marriage. He flirts, he chats with other women, he is very social. I have discovered that all recently and I went through hell just to understand how I could not see it. The problem I could see it here is that at the beginning of our relationship we were mostly on distance, and whenever we would fight I would always think about that its not worth loosing us since we tried so hard to be together eventually. I think I just let the things fly and he got used to it, since he never technically had the situation when he could loose me (we are dating all together 5 years), I was always the one that would try to make things good again. Also he is very competitive, hate loosing and has a big problem saying sorry. It was worse before, now I see slowly improvement with that. Also he will lie straight to my face. He is a very good liar, or maybe not anymore cause I catch on that now.
I caught him twice before txting some online girls and first time he wasn't having it, second time he start being more apologetic (begging, crying etc) and promised me fresh start. Well when he left I start digging full time because I just had to know, I had a feeling that there was more to it but I had no idea that I will find so much online dirt that I actually did. But I will give it to him the second time he did actually stopped. It's just I wouldnt let it go without recognition. He needed to know that I know all that happened and that I am not having it. That he will loose me if he will ever do it again. Now we had our second anniversary month ago and since he is away now as an anniversary gift I wrote him long email about all that I have found out all his lies etc. It was actually pretty decent email, I stayed calm but was very firm with what I want. And if he will ever decide to do something behind my back he will loose me. I think that hit him very hard. All his lies suddenly came out to the light and he even went to a priest (he doesn't believe in God) and cried and was depressed yadayada and yes he told me that he made a promise on our wedding day, that he has been a horrible husband, that he will never loose me again and that there wont be any more shes etc. that was month ago and so far he is being good. But he did admit that he has a problem. He agreed to counseling when he will be back.
It's just as much as I want to believe him and be optimistic this behavior has been going on for sooo long and him lying to me with no guilt whatsoever, keeping that double life while we were "good"... I am how sb can act like that and feel ok? How can you txt 3 women including your wife at the same time and tell them 3 different things... wouldn't that be tiring at some point?! So now I think two things one that he is just young, immature and he never learnt how to act like a husband and he just realized that he hurt our marriage very much and that he can really loose me so he will change. Or he is just a narcissist that want to keep me around as a trophy because I fit beautifully in that "perfect wife" picture.
What do you Guys think, is it worth trusting him again?
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment