Ready for a saga? Here goes nothing...
My marriage is one in which we live like roommates - perfect at keeping the house running, helping each other out - but there is no spark or anything. Sex is once a month - on a good month. Sometimes I wonder if I married my husband because he was "good enough" or if I really ever did love him to begin with. I've tried to talk with him about it, just this week in fact - about sex specifically this time - and he was all like, "Sex? Seriously, I've got so many other things going on at work, home, etc. I'm not even thinking about that." And then proceeds to research movies on Amazon Prime and gets a huge kick out of adding "Diary of a Nyphomaniac" to our queue and telling me about it.
Enter the fur baby - our only kid. Said fur baby has HUGE energy requirements meaning 3-4 hour long hikes around the dog park daily and wrestling with her playmates while there. The husband can love on and be affectionate with the dog, but somehow not with me. So, in the beginning I am a bit resentful of having to take the dog to the park on weekends. But slowly we develop a circle of friends and that helps.
Enter the other man. My dog develops some fears of certain other dogs, and the other man's dog tends to be aggressive towards certain other dogs so we find a different dog park to go to. Both our dogs play splendidly together. So well in fact that the husband completely relinquishes dog park duties to me on the weekends.
Enter complications. The other man and I start to develop feelings for one another and start texting, followed by instant messaging / text apps when my husband questions the phone bill. We are communicating every day, sometimes all day long. The other man gives me pet names, is affectionate, basically everything I want to hear. Now this is a greatly simplified version of how everything happened, it was very gradual beginning with him texting me after the park that he forgot to say goodbye, and the texting sessions grew longer and longer after every trip. And before you know it, I was hooked - he made me feel SO good!
However, he is "married" (not officially, but they live together and have kids). Both my husband and I know this couple as the wife used to go to the park too. My husband actually commented once that she told him during a walk that "Oh him [speaking of the other man]? He's not my husband - we're not married. I can't marry someone I don't love." Yikes. So, we all know each other. Convenient, no?
Anyway, I get a sense of where things are going and warn the other man of complications repeatedly, but he is undeterred. Eventually, after about three months, the emotional affair turns physical (not sex yet). Shortly thereafter (another three months later) "I love you's" are exchanged, and things like, "I wish for you in my life without me losing my kids" are said.
We are in la la land until he forgets his phone at home one day, and despite religiously deleting all of our texts, messenger messages, etc. his Gmail account contains some damning evidence. The "wife" just tells him that she no longer trusts him, and it is evident that he doesn't love her, and that he is to move out as soon as she finds a job. He is petrified that he will lose his kids. Somehow he is able to smooth things over – I suspect that money and his providing for her, etc. had a huge role in that.
During all of that I was freaking out - my husband would totally suspect something if all of a sudden, out of the blue, I was unable to exercise our dog anymore at the park. It would come to an abrupt halt because the park the other man found is not officially a dog park so we are the only two dog walkers there.
However, somehow, the "wife" was placated and dog park visits resumed the very same weekend of all the drama. She didn't even call me out on Facebook, privately, or anything.
We (the other man and I) tried to step back into friend mode, but it wasn't even a month before he kissed me and caused a relapse and shortly thereafter we slept together for the first time. But things were different, the emotional bits (pet names, etc.) ground to a halt save for coded ones rarely sprinkled throughout our messenger messages, communications became fewer and further between (though his work life did ramp up significantly). As he said once, after a misunderstanding which resulted in my "breaking up" with him, that the "rose-colored glasses are off."
And so, we have been living like that for 4 months now (out of almost a year in total). But I find myself increasingly disliking these arrangements. I am stuck - I can't seem to picture life without him. He really has helped me grow into a better person - I am coming from a depressed background and he always tries to get me to see things differently. He seems to be helping me find my worth (e.g. making me feel beautiful, competent in my career, etc.). But I don't think I can go on like this indefinitely as much as I would like to. After his wife found out, and he contacted me that everything was okay he said, "You know, I am learning that love is not a bad thing, and I better take what I have than nothing at all" with regard to love. I wish I could view it that way, and just have him as an add-on, but my heart or mind, or whatever, just wants him...
I am lost - I don't know if his wife knows what's going on now, or if she's in the dark again and thinks that we're only park people, or if she knows. I fell out of love with my husband - if I ever was in love with him - and don't know if I can fall back in love with him. He's not bad enough to leave, but I know I won't be happy staying if things don't change.
It appears as though I have totally and completely ****ed myself with the other man. I get none of that excitement, spark, etc. from my husband that I do with the other man. I also realize that I will get that from no one else other than the other man. So, here I am, stuck - I can't leave the husband, because no one else will measure up to the other man since he will still be with the "wife", and I staying with my husband just means facing the music that I will be unhappy. Way to go me, great decision making there in the past about "settling" for Mr. Good Enough.
In a nutshell - I am stuck, and hurting immensely...
My marriage is one in which we live like roommates - perfect at keeping the house running, helping each other out - but there is no spark or anything. Sex is once a month - on a good month. Sometimes I wonder if I married my husband because he was "good enough" or if I really ever did love him to begin with. I've tried to talk with him about it, just this week in fact - about sex specifically this time - and he was all like, "Sex? Seriously, I've got so many other things going on at work, home, etc. I'm not even thinking about that." And then proceeds to research movies on Amazon Prime and gets a huge kick out of adding "Diary of a Nyphomaniac" to our queue and telling me about it.
Enter the fur baby - our only kid. Said fur baby has HUGE energy requirements meaning 3-4 hour long hikes around the dog park daily and wrestling with her playmates while there. The husband can love on and be affectionate with the dog, but somehow not with me. So, in the beginning I am a bit resentful of having to take the dog to the park on weekends. But slowly we develop a circle of friends and that helps.
Enter the other man. My dog develops some fears of certain other dogs, and the other man's dog tends to be aggressive towards certain other dogs so we find a different dog park to go to. Both our dogs play splendidly together. So well in fact that the husband completely relinquishes dog park duties to me on the weekends.
Enter complications. The other man and I start to develop feelings for one another and start texting, followed by instant messaging / text apps when my husband questions the phone bill. We are communicating every day, sometimes all day long. The other man gives me pet names, is affectionate, basically everything I want to hear. Now this is a greatly simplified version of how everything happened, it was very gradual beginning with him texting me after the park that he forgot to say goodbye, and the texting sessions grew longer and longer after every trip. And before you know it, I was hooked - he made me feel SO good!
However, he is "married" (not officially, but they live together and have kids). Both my husband and I know this couple as the wife used to go to the park too. My husband actually commented once that she told him during a walk that "Oh him [speaking of the other man]? He's not my husband - we're not married. I can't marry someone I don't love." Yikes. So, we all know each other. Convenient, no?
Anyway, I get a sense of where things are going and warn the other man of complications repeatedly, but he is undeterred. Eventually, after about three months, the emotional affair turns physical (not sex yet). Shortly thereafter (another three months later) "I love you's" are exchanged, and things like, "I wish for you in my life without me losing my kids" are said.
We are in la la land until he forgets his phone at home one day, and despite religiously deleting all of our texts, messenger messages, etc. his Gmail account contains some damning evidence. The "wife" just tells him that she no longer trusts him, and it is evident that he doesn't love her, and that he is to move out as soon as she finds a job. He is petrified that he will lose his kids. Somehow he is able to smooth things over – I suspect that money and his providing for her, etc. had a huge role in that.
During all of that I was freaking out - my husband would totally suspect something if all of a sudden, out of the blue, I was unable to exercise our dog anymore at the park. It would come to an abrupt halt because the park the other man found is not officially a dog park so we are the only two dog walkers there.
However, somehow, the "wife" was placated and dog park visits resumed the very same weekend of all the drama. She didn't even call me out on Facebook, privately, or anything.
We (the other man and I) tried to step back into friend mode, but it wasn't even a month before he kissed me and caused a relapse and shortly thereafter we slept together for the first time. But things were different, the emotional bits (pet names, etc.) ground to a halt save for coded ones rarely sprinkled throughout our messenger messages, communications became fewer and further between (though his work life did ramp up significantly). As he said once, after a misunderstanding which resulted in my "breaking up" with him, that the "rose-colored glasses are off."
And so, we have been living like that for 4 months now (out of almost a year in total). But I find myself increasingly disliking these arrangements. I am stuck - I can't seem to picture life without him. He really has helped me grow into a better person - I am coming from a depressed background and he always tries to get me to see things differently. He seems to be helping me find my worth (e.g. making me feel beautiful, competent in my career, etc.). But I don't think I can go on like this indefinitely as much as I would like to. After his wife found out, and he contacted me that everything was okay he said, "You know, I am learning that love is not a bad thing, and I better take what I have than nothing at all" with regard to love. I wish I could view it that way, and just have him as an add-on, but my heart or mind, or whatever, just wants him...
I am lost - I don't know if his wife knows what's going on now, or if she's in the dark again and thinks that we're only park people, or if she knows. I fell out of love with my husband - if I ever was in love with him - and don't know if I can fall back in love with him. He's not bad enough to leave, but I know I won't be happy staying if things don't change.
It appears as though I have totally and completely ****ed myself with the other man. I get none of that excitement, spark, etc. from my husband that I do with the other man. I also realize that I will get that from no one else other than the other man. So, here I am, stuck - I can't leave the husband, because no one else will measure up to the other man since he will still be with the "wife", and I staying with my husband just means facing the music that I will be unhappy. Way to go me, great decision making there in the past about "settling" for Mr. Good Enough.
In a nutshell - I am stuck, and hurting immensely...
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