Alright- here's the lowdown... My husband and I have been together for 7 years. When we met he did not smoke pot- he had in his past, but from the time we met he's known that I never wanted to have that in my life. So going into our relationship, he no longer smoked. And he had made that decision before we ever got together- so he didn't do it for me.. in case anyone is wondering. So 7 years later and we have 3 young children who I stay at home with.. they are 2, 4, and 6.
So, when I was pregnant with my youngest, in 2011, I found out that he had started smoking again when he went to his brother's house- every time he was there- which was at least twice a week. And he never told me about this, ever. Well, I'm not even sure why it ended up coming up in conversation, but I asked him if he had smoked at all when he was over with his brother and friends. I guess I just had this strange feeling that he had been lying to me. So when I asked him, he reluctantly told me that he did, and when I asked him how long he had been doing that, he told me he couldn't even remember how long it had been going on. I felt so betrayed and upset by this... I suddenly felt like I didn't really know him anymore. I felt hurt that he could just go off and get high with his friends while I was at home with two toddlers, and 7 months pregnant. I couldn't believe he had been lying to me all that time. I would absolutely NEVER, ever do something like that to him.
We had a couple of days of knock down, drag out fights and we finally came to the agreement that he would do it on random occasions when he was there, just not every time because he knew that it made me uncomfortable. I could be alright with that. Things were good for a while.
Fast forward to four days ago when he went out into the garage to get pellets for our stove and came back in smelling like pot, very strongly. So I asked him about it and it ended up in a huge fight and he tells me that he's been doing it EVERY DAY since the summer, behind my back. Keep in mind here that I am NOT the kind of person to make waves, I hate conflict, and I never prevent him from doing things in life, I just have a problem with the fact that I went into a relationship with someone who did not smoke and now he wants it to be a daily habit... I feel so betrayed again, and he just doesn't seem to see the problem. He apologizes for lying, but still thinks I am completely unreasonable because I don't feel like that is an appropriate thing for him to be doing- I don't want it in or around our house- I don't want him high around our children, and I certainly do not want him to use it as a means to escape from the regular stresses of our life. It just seems SO unfair, to me, to our kids, to himself too...
At first he says he wants to do it because it helps with his anger and helps him to appreciate the little things in life more and blah blah blah, but then as we get more into it, it basically boils down to him simply wanting to get high. He just doesn't want to stop. He's even said that he would play up an old knee injury so that he could get it prescribed to him, so I couldn't argue about it being illegal. He constantly goes on about how it should be legal, how it's been demonized...all the typical things you hear from someone who feels there is no problem with it. I just can't be okay with that becoming a part of our lives- I just can't. I can be okay with him doing it every now and again, when he is at his brother's house or whatever, in a social kind of setting (which for me is still a struggle, but I can try), but I absolutely cannot be okay with it being a regular, every day habit. I want him to feel like the happiness of his family, his wife, is more important than hav ing the choice to smoke pot if he wants. He gets SO mad at ME about this, it seems like he would almost let us walk away before he would back down. He says he doesn't feel it's right for me to tell him what he can and cannot do... which partially is true- but I am his wife and this is not a decision that he just gets to make and I have to deal with it. It doesn't just affect him. And now I feel like I have such trust issues with him- I don't know what to do!
I should also mention that he is completely unwilling to try anything different that would not cause this kind of friction within our relationship- I just want him to try.
And I'm very resentful about the whole subject because of all the lying and deceit that has gone along with it. I know "it's just pot", but it's not simply about the pot- it's everything else surrounding the issue. And I do not want that to be a habit that he chooses over opportunities to spend time with his family.
I feel so alone because everyone just says to me "it's just pot, it's harmless", "he's still supporting you and your children", "he just wants a way to relax"... those things are not the point- the point is the lying and the refusal to admit that maybe it's more than just a habit for him. He hasn't been able to do it for the past few days and he gets very angry and irritated about it- it's like he fixates on it and plays up his irritations to "prove" to me how much of a jerk he can be if he can't smoke...
Does any of this seem okay to anyone else?! I can't be the only one that feels that this is wrong...
I know this was really long, and if you made it this far, thank you. Please give me any advice you have. HELP!!!
So, when I was pregnant with my youngest, in 2011, I found out that he had started smoking again when he went to his brother's house- every time he was there- which was at least twice a week. And he never told me about this, ever. Well, I'm not even sure why it ended up coming up in conversation, but I asked him if he had smoked at all when he was over with his brother and friends. I guess I just had this strange feeling that he had been lying to me. So when I asked him, he reluctantly told me that he did, and when I asked him how long he had been doing that, he told me he couldn't even remember how long it had been going on. I felt so betrayed and upset by this... I suddenly felt like I didn't really know him anymore. I felt hurt that he could just go off and get high with his friends while I was at home with two toddlers, and 7 months pregnant. I couldn't believe he had been lying to me all that time. I would absolutely NEVER, ever do something like that to him.
We had a couple of days of knock down, drag out fights and we finally came to the agreement that he would do it on random occasions when he was there, just not every time because he knew that it made me uncomfortable. I could be alright with that. Things were good for a while.
Fast forward to four days ago when he went out into the garage to get pellets for our stove and came back in smelling like pot, very strongly. So I asked him about it and it ended up in a huge fight and he tells me that he's been doing it EVERY DAY since the summer, behind my back. Keep in mind here that I am NOT the kind of person to make waves, I hate conflict, and I never prevent him from doing things in life, I just have a problem with the fact that I went into a relationship with someone who did not smoke and now he wants it to be a daily habit... I feel so betrayed again, and he just doesn't seem to see the problem. He apologizes for lying, but still thinks I am completely unreasonable because I don't feel like that is an appropriate thing for him to be doing- I don't want it in or around our house- I don't want him high around our children, and I certainly do not want him to use it as a means to escape from the regular stresses of our life. It just seems SO unfair, to me, to our kids, to himself too...
At first he says he wants to do it because it helps with his anger and helps him to appreciate the little things in life more and blah blah blah, but then as we get more into it, it basically boils down to him simply wanting to get high. He just doesn't want to stop. He's even said that he would play up an old knee injury so that he could get it prescribed to him, so I couldn't argue about it being illegal. He constantly goes on about how it should be legal, how it's been demonized...all the typical things you hear from someone who feels there is no problem with it. I just can't be okay with that becoming a part of our lives- I just can't. I can be okay with him doing it every now and again, when he is at his brother's house or whatever, in a social kind of setting (which for me is still a struggle, but I can try), but I absolutely cannot be okay with it being a regular, every day habit. I want him to feel like the happiness of his family, his wife, is more important than hav ing the choice to smoke pot if he wants. He gets SO mad at ME about this, it seems like he would almost let us walk away before he would back down. He says he doesn't feel it's right for me to tell him what he can and cannot do... which partially is true- but I am his wife and this is not a decision that he just gets to make and I have to deal with it. It doesn't just affect him. And now I feel like I have such trust issues with him- I don't know what to do!
I should also mention that he is completely unwilling to try anything different that would not cause this kind of friction within our relationship- I just want him to try.
And I'm very resentful about the whole subject because of all the lying and deceit that has gone along with it. I know "it's just pot", but it's not simply about the pot- it's everything else surrounding the issue. And I do not want that to be a habit that he chooses over opportunities to spend time with his family.
I feel so alone because everyone just says to me "it's just pot, it's harmless", "he's still supporting you and your children", "he just wants a way to relax"... those things are not the point- the point is the lying and the refusal to admit that maybe it's more than just a habit for him. He hasn't been able to do it for the past few days and he gets very angry and irritated about it- it's like he fixates on it and plays up his irritations to "prove" to me how much of a jerk he can be if he can't smoke...
Does any of this seem okay to anyone else?! I can't be the only one that feels that this is wrong...
I know this was really long, and if you made it this far, thank you. Please give me any advice you have. HELP!!!
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