4 years ago my husband had an affair with his ex-fiance ( they had been apart 23 years). They began chatting of fb, then started sending e-mails, hugs and kisses, sharing love songs. talking on the phone for hours a day, and eventually he took a trip ( I thought he was going to visit an old buddy), and spent 6 days with her, over New Years, of course was intimate, met and spent time with her family, blah, blah, blah. He lied to me before, during and after. I did not discover to "truth" until 9 months post. Jump ahead 4 years. and he has been true to his no -contact, but I still have a hard time with intimacy. The minute I crawl into bed and he reaches over and touches me, my skin kinda crawls, I really do not find his touch soothing or loving. I have this kind of movie that runs through my head uncontrollably of him making love to the OW. Sometimes I can control these thoughts, but most times I cannot. Lately I have been feeling like the walls are closing in on me. He recently was upset at discovering I had spent money he was not aware I had done, and instead of saying anything he went 10 full days without saying a word to me. I finally couldnt stand it anymore and we spent the night talking. What happened blew my mind. Of course his affair came up, always does, but my concern was if he could go for 10 days and not say a word, no wonder I had no clue he was unhappy in our marriage 4 years ago, I mean come on, if you can;t ask me about money and would rather not utter a word for 10 days, what the hell are we doing? We ended the night sleeping in other rooms, me sick to my stomach, because through the night my concerns quickly became a pity party for him. He has lost good friends, he is hurt over the affair, poor him. I told him I was considering taking a job that would take me away from home for 6 months, he had some not so nice comments, but then could not give me a reason why I should not. I am beginning to think that he re ally needs to see someone, he has never done any counseling, to good for it , too busy, put the blame on me? All of the above ? Anyway, I guess the reason I am writing is just to get this off my chest a bit and to ask other BS just how long do these feelings last? I "trust" him to not cheat again, but I still can't get over the time that he did. I still don't want his affection, don't kiss me, don't touch me, and the big one, explain to me why! 4 years later and all I still get is " I can't explain, I was just spinning". Is finally having that answer what I need to move on? I told him that I love him, and I do, but I have not found a way to forgive his affair, but then how do you forgive any action that cannot be explained? Anyone have some words of encouragement ?!
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