First I want to thank you for hearing me out.
I don't want to ramble and get lost with my thoughts, I just have had so much happen in life.
Im married, 46, female with children. I have suffered depression and severe anxiety attacks for as long as I can remember, I started medication at 23 when the baby blues never went away. It took a few years to realize that part of this was family related and part was being molested as a child. When I was a teen I did drugs to medicate
I realized at about 27 I needed to talk about this to help myself recover, I needed to realize this was not my fault and I do believe it's not my fault.
I'm starting to see a pattern in my life and it scares me. I have very low self-esteem, I can't see why or how someone can love me, frankly If I had the courage I would have ended my life years ago, the guilt of hurting my family is more than I can bare at times.
I have had very unhealthy relationships, my first boyfriend was abusive both physically and mentally and this went on from 12 years of age until I met my husband who saved me from this. My husband is a good man with some issues of his own, he is a very direct person and holds nothing back. If he is angry you and everyone around you will know it.
He was raised in this matter and I understand this is who he is. I on the other hand was not born with thick skin and Im hurt by the daily observations of my wrong doings. A few years ago I cheated on my husband with what I will call a ONS that I sought out, I make no excuses to my bad behavior, I wanted to have sex and I truly felt at the time that my husband did not want me anymore (this was my train of thought) He found out and we have been in a very hard reconciliation.
I cry on a daily basis for what I have done, He has forgiven me, I can't forgive myself!
I loathe me. He asks me about why I did this at least every couple of days, he wonders why I sold him on my strong family values just to find out that I did the very thing I hate in others.
Besides the sexless marriage we were having I felt like I was in self-destruct mode, I was being selfish and I only cared about my needs, I wanted someone to want me even if it was only for sex… I have no other reason.
This brings me to today, I look back at my life and the struggles and I realize Im co-dependent, I also think I may have always had Avoidant personality disorder, I used drugs and alcohol to help me through this in life situations as I was socially awkward.
Im feeling a downward spiral and Im trying to hang on, I know I need to seek IC, it's hard to do this as my husband believes all counselling is crap and that I need to get off medication and suck it up. Im currently on Prozac, however I believe it is no longer working for me.
I don't want to ramble and get lost with my thoughts, I just have had so much happen in life.
Im married, 46, female with children. I have suffered depression and severe anxiety attacks for as long as I can remember, I started medication at 23 when the baby blues never went away. It took a few years to realize that part of this was family related and part was being molested as a child. When I was a teen I did drugs to medicate
I realized at about 27 I needed to talk about this to help myself recover, I needed to realize this was not my fault and I do believe it's not my fault.
I'm starting to see a pattern in my life and it scares me. I have very low self-esteem, I can't see why or how someone can love me, frankly If I had the courage I would have ended my life years ago, the guilt of hurting my family is more than I can bare at times.
I have had very unhealthy relationships, my first boyfriend was abusive both physically and mentally and this went on from 12 years of age until I met my husband who saved me from this. My husband is a good man with some issues of his own, he is a very direct person and holds nothing back. If he is angry you and everyone around you will know it.
He was raised in this matter and I understand this is who he is. I on the other hand was not born with thick skin and Im hurt by the daily observations of my wrong doings. A few years ago I cheated on my husband with what I will call a ONS that I sought out, I make no excuses to my bad behavior, I wanted to have sex and I truly felt at the time that my husband did not want me anymore (this was my train of thought) He found out and we have been in a very hard reconciliation.
I cry on a daily basis for what I have done, He has forgiven me, I can't forgive myself!
I loathe me. He asks me about why I did this at least every couple of days, he wonders why I sold him on my strong family values just to find out that I did the very thing I hate in others.
Besides the sexless marriage we were having I felt like I was in self-destruct mode, I was being selfish and I only cared about my needs, I wanted someone to want me even if it was only for sex… I have no other reason.
This brings me to today, I look back at my life and the struggles and I realize Im co-dependent, I also think I may have always had Avoidant personality disorder, I used drugs and alcohol to help me through this in life situations as I was socially awkward.
Im feeling a downward spiral and Im trying to hang on, I know I need to seek IC, it's hard to do this as my husband believes all counselling is crap and that I need to get off medication and suck it up. Im currently on Prozac, however I believe it is no longer working for me.
Put the internet to work for you.
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