Hello everybody,
this is my first post to this forum. i've been doing some relationship groveling lately and felt that a post to a forum and some answers might help. there is a story attached to this post and its anything but concise. i suppose it helps me to give it some continuity by writing it out and in that case hope that this is the appropriate place to do so.
Alright, a little about myself... I'm 26 years old, am an only child of divorced parents. I went to university up in Winnipeg Manitoba where i lived subsequently for a few years after school. So 6 years up there. I'm a highly functioning autistic-- have been suspicious of this before and recently my behaviours regarding my latest relationship have really forced me into introspection about it. When I lived in Canada Love for me, at least on the soul level, or just a deep connection was a scarce thing and i was afraid all the time. I spent much of my time avoiding people, hiding inside, recording music, reading writing etc... i hid myself away because socially i began to experience lots of anxiety-- at party's, if i wasn't drunk or on drugs, i could barely keep myself together and would often vanish without giving my regards to anyone. i lost a lot of friends this way or they gradually stopped asking me to do things and given that im a solitary person i didn't mind so muc h. it meant i could become more immersed in my creative side.
Eventually i found someone and it felt like the world had just stopped its chaotic spinning and i fell in love and for a couple years we had a great relationship. i had a series of hard jobs in winnipeg, after i had graduated, and would bring this melancholic resentment for my job home with me-- always panicked about dealing with people at work etc... my girlfriend at the time, and this has become clear to me as more time has passed, loved me so much but in a way that she felt responsible for my unhappiness and couldn't remedy it with her love. eventually we let each other go. and since, i have been on my guard, keenly aware of this internal struggle with relationships and the elaborate forms of defense i've erected for myself in the wake of my last 6 years. consequently i bailed out of that city and moved back home to duluth mn.
This brings me to the relevant part of this post and i apologize for the length of it in advance. When i had first moved back, about a year and a half ago now, i met a woman ten years my senior who owned and operated a gallery for emergent artists and had a general DIY scene going on. I was incredibly attracted to her and thought she was such a cool person. Soon i bought a house-- we became friends but not very close friends and saw each other on rare occasions when my neighbor who is good friends with her would coax me out of hiding to a beach fire or the bar for a beer which sometimes takes great emotional strength on my part. my neighbor really tolerated a lot of my anxiety and general weirdness so i began to feel a bit more comfortable and would accompany her places (my neighbor is a woman to clarify) all the while watching this other woman rotate through youthful dalliances with men my age some of whom were acquaintances of mine.
Eventually i moved on to a few other romantic relationships, big steps for me after my last one in winnipeg-- they came and went because i exhibited the same problems of anti-social behaviour and bouts of sensory overload when being out and social, and especially jealousy directed towards my partner which would like clock-work follow a social interaction like going to a concert or a public place, and i would dissolve the relationship based upon a general belief that there was something wrong with me and because of a tremendous fear-- and this is key-- of the girls ex boyfriends and social interactions-- being that this town has a small rotating population of regulars and most everyone has multiple ex's that are always out and about together. I should say my girlfriend in Canada had left me for another guy it turns out. and i don't blame her.
So. one day this woman who i'll call "Ruth the gallery owner" moved into my neighbors house as a roommate. every once and a while we'd sit on the porches and wax philosophical about love and life etc... and i watched her still move in and out of romantic dalliances with the same lovers, one in particular, until she began dating a mutual friend of mine and my neighbors that we'll call John age 38. that caused a big stur because as my neighbors roommate, my neighbor felt ousted from her own house-- shes in her 30's as well. that relationship didn't work out for Ruth. Just as her relationship was ending, which i didn't know, she began approaching me to do things, saying i could always talk to her, and especially one night saying that i reminded her a lot of herself ten years previous and that she'd hoped that i'd avoid making the same mistakes of chasing after people that serve only to flatter my ego. this caught me off guard and i didn't understand it at first but now i se e that she meant not going after people because of a desire to just fill a hole but really being patient and good love would come. then a week or so later she invited me out. it was a rare night where i was feeling kind of manic so i went to meet her a few blocks away at a pool hall where she was hanging out with a longtime ex boyfriend (ten years together and with whom she had come to duluth from central wisconsin before their relationship ended). his girlfriend and a few other colleagues were there as well. it was hard for me to get comfortable but i realized there was nothing wrong and they all seemed mature enough for me to relax so i did and it was fine. that night she came home with me and threw herself at me sexually. it really blew my mind and she was very good at it. the next day she told my neighbor, asked me out, and my neighbor banned me from her house-- apparently she was in love with me. So Ruth makes good with her living situation but i begin to get the panic. the anti-social panic, because now there is a lot of unwanted drama which Ruth navigates very well.
I trusted that aspect of her-- her utility for social reconciliations but not the aspect of her i mentioned before-- friends with lots of young men and a veteran of many caustic relationships. Because of her maturity with telling my neighbor I decided i could share some of my insecurities with her. I told her about my social anxiety, i mentioned that the ex boyfriend thing was not my element and went as far to do the self work to accommodate the ex boyfriends. So even though we were together and she was calm, organized, and mostly respectful of me, i was nervous, feeling threatened, and felt like i was not special to her-- my feelings derived from a growing sense of alienation because of the drama, which magically she maneuvered with great ease. I felt i lacked something important that i could not abide the chaos the she could.
I met her family on a number of holidays, her siblings, played with their children, and would retire to a room in one of their houses and collapse from anxiety. I hid this. and eventually i couldn't hide it anymore. one night she invited me out and i obliged because i was feeling manic again and thought the excess of energy would serve me well socially. i got to a music venue and the scale of the crowd, the noise, and the incestuousness of the community got to me and i had a panic attack. i left her there. we'd been invited to a brunch the next day with a 'polyamorous' ex boyfriend of hers. He had cheated on her in her own bed in what was a mutually monogamous relationship at the time-- she reconciled this by saying she had wanted to change him and it wasn't in his nature, but i know this guy and he's slimy and likes to sleep with women he doesn't respect and he calls it polyamorous. he was out that night and hovered around waiting for a glance from her and eventually sh e left with him and another friend of mine to drink more beer. I should mention that John (mentioned earlier) and Ruth broke up because of this polyamorous guy.
I declined to go the brunch because i couldn't rectify sitting down to eat with both of them, knowing their history and drama and not let it consume me (she had returned to him many times as a sexual partner in the past). Well, that night, the music venue night, she came home to my house after bar close and i yelled at her to leave and told her the next day i would pack up her things for her. she very respectfully left and as been amiable to me since. but there she is across the street coming and going to work and play. i feel paralyzed by this situation and ashamed that i ended it by yelling and also ashamed that i entered it being that it is so close to home... literally.
my outburst scared me and i investigated my nature. i've been a mediator for many years now but my anxiety had persisted despite the awareness of my conscious mind and so i decided to take some tests, based upon my mothers insistence that i might have sensory stimuli disorder or whatever, or even autism since i was very young, and i tested within the range of clinical autism. had i known this i feel like i may have been able to salvage a great deal of relationships by first being able to put a finger on the aspects of my personality that are troubling and are difficult for others, and second, avoiding the people places and things that trigger my anxiety-- instead of thinking that there was something wrong with me. at this point i can't help but believe thinking that there was something wrong with me attracted to me and myself to relationships that would help support that feeling.
this is my first post to this forum. i've been doing some relationship groveling lately and felt that a post to a forum and some answers might help. there is a story attached to this post and its anything but concise. i suppose it helps me to give it some continuity by writing it out and in that case hope that this is the appropriate place to do so.
Alright, a little about myself... I'm 26 years old, am an only child of divorced parents. I went to university up in Winnipeg Manitoba where i lived subsequently for a few years after school. So 6 years up there. I'm a highly functioning autistic-- have been suspicious of this before and recently my behaviours regarding my latest relationship have really forced me into introspection about it. When I lived in Canada Love for me, at least on the soul level, or just a deep connection was a scarce thing and i was afraid all the time. I spent much of my time avoiding people, hiding inside, recording music, reading writing etc... i hid myself away because socially i began to experience lots of anxiety-- at party's, if i wasn't drunk or on drugs, i could barely keep myself together and would often vanish without giving my regards to anyone. i lost a lot of friends this way or they gradually stopped asking me to do things and given that im a solitary person i didn't mind so muc h. it meant i could become more immersed in my creative side.
Eventually i found someone and it felt like the world had just stopped its chaotic spinning and i fell in love and for a couple years we had a great relationship. i had a series of hard jobs in winnipeg, after i had graduated, and would bring this melancholic resentment for my job home with me-- always panicked about dealing with people at work etc... my girlfriend at the time, and this has become clear to me as more time has passed, loved me so much but in a way that she felt responsible for my unhappiness and couldn't remedy it with her love. eventually we let each other go. and since, i have been on my guard, keenly aware of this internal struggle with relationships and the elaborate forms of defense i've erected for myself in the wake of my last 6 years. consequently i bailed out of that city and moved back home to duluth mn.
This brings me to the relevant part of this post and i apologize for the length of it in advance. When i had first moved back, about a year and a half ago now, i met a woman ten years my senior who owned and operated a gallery for emergent artists and had a general DIY scene going on. I was incredibly attracted to her and thought she was such a cool person. Soon i bought a house-- we became friends but not very close friends and saw each other on rare occasions when my neighbor who is good friends with her would coax me out of hiding to a beach fire or the bar for a beer which sometimes takes great emotional strength on my part. my neighbor really tolerated a lot of my anxiety and general weirdness so i began to feel a bit more comfortable and would accompany her places (my neighbor is a woman to clarify) all the while watching this other woman rotate through youthful dalliances with men my age some of whom were acquaintances of mine.
Eventually i moved on to a few other romantic relationships, big steps for me after my last one in winnipeg-- they came and went because i exhibited the same problems of anti-social behaviour and bouts of sensory overload when being out and social, and especially jealousy directed towards my partner which would like clock-work follow a social interaction like going to a concert or a public place, and i would dissolve the relationship based upon a general belief that there was something wrong with me and because of a tremendous fear-- and this is key-- of the girls ex boyfriends and social interactions-- being that this town has a small rotating population of regulars and most everyone has multiple ex's that are always out and about together. I should say my girlfriend in Canada had left me for another guy it turns out. and i don't blame her.
So. one day this woman who i'll call "Ruth the gallery owner" moved into my neighbors house as a roommate. every once and a while we'd sit on the porches and wax philosophical about love and life etc... and i watched her still move in and out of romantic dalliances with the same lovers, one in particular, until she began dating a mutual friend of mine and my neighbors that we'll call John age 38. that caused a big stur because as my neighbors roommate, my neighbor felt ousted from her own house-- shes in her 30's as well. that relationship didn't work out for Ruth. Just as her relationship was ending, which i didn't know, she began approaching me to do things, saying i could always talk to her, and especially one night saying that i reminded her a lot of herself ten years previous and that she'd hoped that i'd avoid making the same mistakes of chasing after people that serve only to flatter my ego. this caught me off guard and i didn't understand it at first but now i se e that she meant not going after people because of a desire to just fill a hole but really being patient and good love would come. then a week or so later she invited me out. it was a rare night where i was feeling kind of manic so i went to meet her a few blocks away at a pool hall where she was hanging out with a longtime ex boyfriend (ten years together and with whom she had come to duluth from central wisconsin before their relationship ended). his girlfriend and a few other colleagues were there as well. it was hard for me to get comfortable but i realized there was nothing wrong and they all seemed mature enough for me to relax so i did and it was fine. that night she came home with me and threw herself at me sexually. it really blew my mind and she was very good at it. the next day she told my neighbor, asked me out, and my neighbor banned me from her house-- apparently she was in love with me. So Ruth makes good with her living situation but i begin to get the panic. the anti-social panic, because now there is a lot of unwanted drama which Ruth navigates very well.
I trusted that aspect of her-- her utility for social reconciliations but not the aspect of her i mentioned before-- friends with lots of young men and a veteran of many caustic relationships. Because of her maturity with telling my neighbor I decided i could share some of my insecurities with her. I told her about my social anxiety, i mentioned that the ex boyfriend thing was not my element and went as far to do the self work to accommodate the ex boyfriends. So even though we were together and she was calm, organized, and mostly respectful of me, i was nervous, feeling threatened, and felt like i was not special to her-- my feelings derived from a growing sense of alienation because of the drama, which magically she maneuvered with great ease. I felt i lacked something important that i could not abide the chaos the she could.
I met her family on a number of holidays, her siblings, played with their children, and would retire to a room in one of their houses and collapse from anxiety. I hid this. and eventually i couldn't hide it anymore. one night she invited me out and i obliged because i was feeling manic again and thought the excess of energy would serve me well socially. i got to a music venue and the scale of the crowd, the noise, and the incestuousness of the community got to me and i had a panic attack. i left her there. we'd been invited to a brunch the next day with a 'polyamorous' ex boyfriend of hers. He had cheated on her in her own bed in what was a mutually monogamous relationship at the time-- she reconciled this by saying she had wanted to change him and it wasn't in his nature, but i know this guy and he's slimy and likes to sleep with women he doesn't respect and he calls it polyamorous. he was out that night and hovered around waiting for a glance from her and eventually sh e left with him and another friend of mine to drink more beer. I should mention that John (mentioned earlier) and Ruth broke up because of this polyamorous guy.
I declined to go the brunch because i couldn't rectify sitting down to eat with both of them, knowing their history and drama and not let it consume me (she had returned to him many times as a sexual partner in the past). Well, that night, the music venue night, she came home to my house after bar close and i yelled at her to leave and told her the next day i would pack up her things for her. she very respectfully left and as been amiable to me since. but there she is across the street coming and going to work and play. i feel paralyzed by this situation and ashamed that i ended it by yelling and also ashamed that i entered it being that it is so close to home... literally.
my outburst scared me and i investigated my nature. i've been a mediator for many years now but my anxiety had persisted despite the awareness of my conscious mind and so i decided to take some tests, based upon my mothers insistence that i might have sensory stimuli disorder or whatever, or even autism since i was very young, and i tested within the range of clinical autism. had i known this i feel like i may have been able to salvage a great deal of relationships by first being able to put a finger on the aspects of my personality that are troubling and are difficult for others, and second, avoiding the people places and things that trigger my anxiety-- instead of thinking that there was something wrong with me. at this point i can't help but believe thinking that there was something wrong with me attracted to me and myself to relationships that would help support that feeling.
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