Hello Everyone,
This is my first post here mainly because I have finally decided that I need to seek the advice and ideas from others for the first time. I am sorry this is so long, but I have a lot to get out and I hope that if even one person finds the time to read through all of this, maybe you can help me.
My wife (married for 9 years, together for 11) and I have been going through some problems recently and I fear that they may soon spiral out of control. Within the past 2 months or so, it seems as if we have gradually grown apart. About a month to 6 weeks ago, we finally discussed it and she acknowledges that there are some problems, but she thinks that my expectations of marriage are just too high. Around that time, I told her that I need her to be more affectionate and attentive to me and I said that because those things are important to me, they should be to her as well. She agreed, but since then we have had some real communication and closeness issues.
A few things about us:
- We have been married for 9 years
- We have two great daughters (8 and 4) that we are both very committed to
- We work at the same place, although not necessarily together. (we are both High School teachers)
A few things about our relationship: Our marriage has been, on the whole, a good one as far as I can tell for the last 9 years. However, over the course of the last month or so, things have gotten bad as we have begun to drift apart. We don't necessarily have a history of incompatibility (no more than most couples).
Not to sound like the whole reason for staying together is our kids, but I can't imagine putting them through the hardships of a divorce, custody battles and having to be shuttled between parents. I still love my wife very, very much and I believe she does as well. I want to save our marriage and not throw away all we have built together and our futures. My wife, has told me in the last couple of weeks that she feels like there is something wrong with her, in her mind, as she is (as she described it) apathetic and unhappy.
She believes that she might have some depression issues and I understand that. I told her she needs to get help for these problems and she says she will, just waiting until it is more convenient (like during a school break). We talked a bit about marriage counseling, but agreed that maybe she needs to focus on her own issues first. She says that our marriage is just, "in a rut" and that's common for most couple. She likened it to the "7 year itch".
The biggest problem I am having right now is that she doesn't really want to communicate with me about her issues. She says that she wants things to be like normal, but it is so hard for me to act normally when I know there is this cloud hanging over us. What is even more bothersome is that she shares none of her feelings with me, yet she has had many "private" conversations with her brother (who I like a great deal and think I have a good relationship with). I just wish she wouldn't shut me out. I have told her, just recently, that I think there is so much more going on in her head than she is willing to admit to me and so much more that has transpired than she has told me. I don't necessarily suspect infidelity, but she has many friends that I do not know, including one guy in particular that I think is extremely untrustworthy. I, on the other hand do not have any friends that she doesn't know or wouldn't consider her a friend as well.
This morning, I looked at a text message on her phone between her and her brother, not because I am paranoid or crazy, more because I want just a glimpse of what's going on inside her head. The text went something like this:
Him: Mom knows
Her: About Me… why did you tell her?
Him: I didn't, she figured it out
Her: I'm f*cked
Him: what are you going to say if she asks about it
Her: I don't have to tell her everything just that I don't feel like talking about it
This scares the heck out of me because it makes me think that I am right in suspecting that there is more going on here. Unfortunately though, I cannot just come out and ask her about it, she will then feel that I violated her privacy and she will completely shut me out.
I really am at a loss right now. Any insight or help would be appreciated.
This is my first post here mainly because I have finally decided that I need to seek the advice and ideas from others for the first time. I am sorry this is so long, but I have a lot to get out and I hope that if even one person finds the time to read through all of this, maybe you can help me.
My wife (married for 9 years, together for 11) and I have been going through some problems recently and I fear that they may soon spiral out of control. Within the past 2 months or so, it seems as if we have gradually grown apart. About a month to 6 weeks ago, we finally discussed it and she acknowledges that there are some problems, but she thinks that my expectations of marriage are just too high. Around that time, I told her that I need her to be more affectionate and attentive to me and I said that because those things are important to me, they should be to her as well. She agreed, but since then we have had some real communication and closeness issues.
A few things about us:
- We have been married for 9 years
- We have two great daughters (8 and 4) that we are both very committed to
- We work at the same place, although not necessarily together. (we are both High School teachers)
A few things about our relationship: Our marriage has been, on the whole, a good one as far as I can tell for the last 9 years. However, over the course of the last month or so, things have gotten bad as we have begun to drift apart. We don't necessarily have a history of incompatibility (no more than most couples).
Not to sound like the whole reason for staying together is our kids, but I can't imagine putting them through the hardships of a divorce, custody battles and having to be shuttled between parents. I still love my wife very, very much and I believe she does as well. I want to save our marriage and not throw away all we have built together and our futures. My wife, has told me in the last couple of weeks that she feels like there is something wrong with her, in her mind, as she is (as she described it) apathetic and unhappy.
She believes that she might have some depression issues and I understand that. I told her she needs to get help for these problems and she says she will, just waiting until it is more convenient (like during a school break). We talked a bit about marriage counseling, but agreed that maybe she needs to focus on her own issues first. She says that our marriage is just, "in a rut" and that's common for most couple. She likened it to the "7 year itch".
The biggest problem I am having right now is that she doesn't really want to communicate with me about her issues. She says that she wants things to be like normal, but it is so hard for me to act normally when I know there is this cloud hanging over us. What is even more bothersome is that she shares none of her feelings with me, yet she has had many "private" conversations with her brother (who I like a great deal and think I have a good relationship with). I just wish she wouldn't shut me out. I have told her, just recently, that I think there is so much more going on in her head than she is willing to admit to me and so much more that has transpired than she has told me. I don't necessarily suspect infidelity, but she has many friends that I do not know, including one guy in particular that I think is extremely untrustworthy. I, on the other hand do not have any friends that she doesn't know or wouldn't consider her a friend as well.
This morning, I looked at a text message on her phone between her and her brother, not because I am paranoid or crazy, more because I want just a glimpse of what's going on inside her head. The text went something like this:
Him: Mom knows
Her: About Me… why did you tell her?
Him: I didn't, she figured it out
Her: I'm f*cked
Him: what are you going to say if she asks about it
Her: I don't have to tell her everything just that I don't feel like talking about it
This scares the heck out of me because it makes me think that I am right in suspecting that there is more going on here. Unfortunately though, I cannot just come out and ask her about it, she will then feel that I violated her privacy and she will completely shut me out.
I really am at a loss right now. Any insight or help would be appreciated.
Put the internet to work for you.
| |
| Recommended for you |
No comments:
Post a Comment