Wife Want to Leave Me, But Says She Doesn't Want a Divorce

My wife and I have been married for eight years with two children, 6-years old and one 18-month old. Things have always been up and down with our relationship. I certainly wasn't the best husband but feel like I have come a long way. I could still do more around the house and have actively been trying to be more helpful. It would be fair to say that we both have our flaws. I'm pretty sure that's typical. My wife told me three years ago that she wanted a divorce. I sensed something else was bothering her and continued pressing until I got the dreaded answer I suspected... she had three affairs: one long term and two very, very short term. I'm not sure why, but she decided right then and there that she wanted to work on fixing our marriage. I did, too, of course. She only wanted the divorce because it was an easy way out and she wouldn't have to admit to anything she had done. Yes, that's quite selfish. We've spiced up our sex life over the past few years and, call me stupid because I am, I thought that an open marriage might make her happier. It did until I couldn't get a date for myself. She liked the idea of an open marriage because it gave each of us a new freedom. She hooked up with one person two times while I unsuccessfully tried to get a date for myself. I then asked if we could hold off on the arrangement. She didn't like that, of course, and wasn't too happy about it but we had agreed from the very beginning that we would respect the wishes of the other if one of us wanted to stop. She did hook up with him one more time afterwards and made out with him at a bar another time. I also suspected something was going on between the two of them after that even though there really wasn't. She seriously damaged my trust in her after hooking up the third time. That was a few weeks ago. I knew something was bothering her this morning before I left for work and coaxed her in to telling me. She's going to leave me but doesn't want a divorce. I asked about the kids and she said they can stay with whichever one of us they want to stay with. She said that she wants to find a place of her own, but also admits that neither of us can afford our house on our own. She says her mind is made up and even refuses marriage counseling. She brings up the issues she has with me and then brings up how she's hurt me so many times. She also talks about how lopsided our marriage is: I give her way more affection than she gives me. It also turned out that there was another reason she liked the idea of an open marriage... She was hoping I would fall in love with someone else who would love me as much as I loved them and her wanting to leave would become a "mutual" agreement. I just don't know what to do. I love her with all my heart but she seems unwilling to try anything. I wrote her a nice letter today that starts out by acknowledging her statement that we've hurt each other a number of times. I went on to say that although we've each tried to be a "model spouse," we never actually tried at the same time. I told her than I don't want to concentrate on the ways we've hurt each other but rather try moving forward together if she'll only give me a chance. One of her complaints is that I don't want to do things with her that she enjoys. It's not a true statement. Sure, I don't want to skydive but that doesn't mean she can't. There are lots of other things she likes to do that I want to do with her but don't always have the opportunity because we need to find a babysitter. My letter goes on to describe the qualities she has that made me fall in love with her. I went on to say that I will continue to fight for her if given a ray of hope and that I will do ANYTHING it takes to save our marriage. Have I done everything I can do? Is there anything else I can do or is my marriage pretty much over? One of my co-workers says that it sounds like she might not know what she really wants. I don't know what to think but I could certainly use some help. I certainly don't need to describe the emotional toll this has taken on me today. Thank you, Chris

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