The last straw.

I could use some advice. I've lurked on this board for several months and just joined today. Other people's threads had been helpful in the CWI forum. I think I'm too slow and too late. A few years ago I had an EA with a coworker. My W discovered it and I denied everything. She pressed and I started coming out of the fog that she described. TBH, I was really bad for irrational thinking on this front. I had some really bad habits. W has really poured a lot into getting me to realize what an EA is and that I was, for sure, in one. I had not done R the right way, by any stretch. Maybe the ONLY thing I did right was complete NC. I did do a ton of self protection - that has been my biggest problem. I know this because W has let me know in no uncertain terms, and she's right. We're between 1 and 2 years into R. We have a pre-teen daughter and 2 grown kids. This is my first marriage and her second. I've gone to 2 IC councilors, we've been to no MC. I've read and adopted a few books - NJF (of course) Boundaries, His Needs Her Needs... We've done a ton of reflection and I've made a lot of changes to myself and my behaviors. I'm far from perfect. I 'outed' myself to parts of my original family, and have severed ties to 2 members and let the others founder in the wind. I have no real friends anymore. I've been overpouring myself into our marriage - which also may have contributed to our decline. W really has loved me. No, REALLY loved me. Now, she says, she doesn't like me. She wants to D before she hates me. We still have a child to raise together. I've really effed her badly. I truly had it all and I effed it up by being totally selfish. She really didn't do anything to bring all this on - I had (still have some) issues within myself that basically sabotaged our good thing. I love her. I learn and grow in big steps - don't seem to be a learn-as-you-go kind of guy. I require a hammer for big things. Something clicked in me yesterday and I grew. Something seemingly so insignificant to 'normal' people. It felt good and right and I knew that when I shared it with W she'd be upset at first but then see that I was dead dog legit she would give me that chance - and I know it would have been the elixir we've needed. I went home and shared with my W. It went very badly. I really don't blame her in retrospect. I was asking her to let the sh!t of our past flow under the bridge (again) and I would be 100% assertive and let all my feelings be known (even the ones that would piss her off instead of trying to bury them.) She's soooo very hurt and pissed at me through all of this. She feels like she's lost her soul through me, and that's just... W has really tried. Really really tried. We've had some successes and some failures. The 'typical roller coaster?' sure. the love of my life is at her end at my hand and I want her back! My problem is that I've just thrown the last straw on the camels back. I knew it possibly would be too much for her, too late. I've been slow to "get it!" I gave that last straw as a last effort - make this or break this - and she broke! GDit she effin broke! She wasn't supposed to effin break! She was supposed to get mad and allow me to embrace her as the newest, and completed me with no repression! The way I saw it, I laid all of me on the table in front of her to let the chips fall where they may, and they sure did. My delivery was not perfect, and my message got contorted some, and it went horribly wrong. Now she like a zombie in front of me. I feel so bad for what I've done to her. Seriously. I want to pull her back so dam bad! I love her, and in my head I know that she's hurt more badly and she deserves some peace. GD I hate to admit that! She may be right that the only way at this point is D. She's always freakin right. I don't want D. I don't want to lose my W, my best friend, or upset our kids' lives. But if I can't prevent D, then I don't want it to be contemptuous like I saw her last D. We still have a child to raise. I know some of this was kind of self indulgent ranting, or maybe helpful for the answers to my question. WTF can I do from here? Is there any hope for a spouse who doesn't want D to earn back his spouse at the point when she's done? Do I roll over and accept where I forced my own fate?

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