Feeling crazy! What has my life come to!

Hello everyone – I've been to the site before although it's been a long while I need to come back for support. I'm going to try and make this as short as possible. Now that I'm thinking, I don't think that's possible so please bear with me. There is so much to tell and I'm really looking forward to your input and support. I posted in the General Discussion forum as well hoping to receive lots of support. I just recently broke up with my live in boyfriend of 5 years and I'm having the hardest time with my decision. I'm questioning if it was the right thing because I truly do love him immensely. Our relationship has been very dysfunctional and toxic though. I'm soon to be 39 years old, m attractive, have a great job and am a single mom to a beautiful 19 year old daughter in college. He is the father of two young girls and has a decent job. When I met him he was just getting out of a bad marriage. They were together for six years. Have two children together and she cheated on him and left her for another man. He was traumatized. They stayed living together for the last two years for the sake of the kids but she was with the other man the entire time. One day he lost it and wound up physically assaulting her. She had him arrested, got a restraining order and that was that. Him and I started dating six months after she finally got him out and he moved in about 3 months later. Things happened very quickly. He charmed the heck out of me and I fell head over heels and took a leap of faith although they weren't officially divorced. They did officially get divorced three years into our relationship because she did it and she is recently remarried to a man who is 25 years older than her. He told me that prior to getting married that he always cheated but he changed when he got married and she wound up cheating on him. Should have walked away then. Before he met me he was dating another woman in whom he started dating as soon as he moved out from his home with his wife. He left her for me when he met me. I know a girl who knows her and according to her she didn't take it well. Anyway… So, during our relationship, as I mentioned before he was the most charming man I ever met. He treated me like I've never been treated and I was convinced that he was the one for me. He talked marriage and we started living together playing the married couple right away. I fell in love with his daughters and him. At the beginning of the relationship I was all about it but after a while when I saw that he wasn't proposing, etc. I started to get frustrated. Because I wanted the commitment if I was going to play the role. I let it go thinking that eventually he'd propose but in the meantime, I started to not be as excited about playing step mom, etc. and I let it be known to him. Our places have all been in my name and his credit is shot. He pitched in for bills, etc. but has always been financially irresponsible. He couldn't even have a normal conversation about finances without flipping out so after awhile I felt like he was using me to play wife and for a place for his kids to stay. That wasn't the only problem though. There's more. About six months into us living together I found a note in his truck from another girl. Just saying how she thought he was awesome and she wanted to see him again. He said that it was a note from before me so I said ok, that could be true. Well, I have been cheated on the past so that put me in scared mode and I decided to check our cell phone records because we had a mutual account in my name. I found that he texted and called the girl he left for me a few times. When I called her she said that she didn't know or text him. When I confronted him though he said it was his boss's wife's number. So I called her back and she said "why do you keep calling me? He's my husband's friend". So that means that after I confronted him he called her and told her to say that and she listened. So what did that tell me right there? Doesn't look good, right? Well, he talked his way out of it and I let it go….for the time being. One night we were out drinking and I got belligerent drunk and I guess said some things he didn't like. When we got to our place he back handed me. I fell to the ground and he drug me down the hall to my place. I was traumatized. Didn't know what just happened or why. He left but I didn't call the cops. I was so traumatized and scared. He came back the next morning and apologized and for some CRAZY reason forgave him. He hit me so hard that my jaw was messed up and I had to get a tooth removed from the back of my mouth. I should have left then, I know! After this, of course it got worse. I needed to continuously check cause I didn't trust at this point. It was hard to leave though cause I loved him. I thought that maybe I was crazy for checking and just needed to trust. Well, my birthday weekend I found that he was texting one of his ex girlfriends from years ago. When I called to confront her I said why are you texting him and she said that is none of your concern. Why was she so defensive? He talked his way out of that one. I couldn't see what the texts said cause they were all deleted of course. But I did look at online account and they texted a ton for a few days. So what were they talking about? He talked his way out of it. At this point I'm an abusive relationship. I got to the point where I thought it was me. I asked myself what if I didn't check and act crazy? Would he be seeking attention from other women? What if I didn't complain about playing step mom to his kids without marriage? Would he be treating me this way? I always tried to talk to him about my insecurities and he would shut me down. Yell and not talk to me. One night I was out working as I bartend from time to time and I got a call from my ex boyfriend who is a friend. He knows my boyfriend because they work for the same company. Well, anyway he called my daughter to get my number just to let me know that my boyfriend was at a bar with some other woman. My ex walked in on them having drinks. Now I know my ex wasn't lying because first of all, why would he call my daughter in the middle of the night to tell me that and 2nd of all he said he saw them at the bar my boyfriend said he was at that night. I knew something was up. Just felt it in my stomach all day. Like something wasn't right. He said he was with his best friend who he always answers in front of if I call and that day he wasn't. He would only text and call from the restroom which I thought was fishy. So my ex said that he was there with her and as soon as my boyfriend and her saw him that they left their drinks at the bar and took off. I found out that she was a new woman who transferred to their company. A woman 10 years older than the both of us. My ex described her in detail. Well, I didn't hear from my boyfriend until he got home at 3:30 in the morning and acted as if nothing was wrong. When I confronted him he lied and said that my ex was lying to get back with me. Guess what? I said, ok, maybe this maybe that. What if this, what if that and like a dumb ass let it go. Well, I let it go as much as I could. I still need reassurance after that and wanted to talk things out but of course he would have his temper tantrums and tell me that I was crazy and that nothing happened and there was nothing to talk about. So we'd get into arguments because of my insecurity and at times he was violent when we were drinking. I told myself when he was violent that it was my fault for getting beligerant drunk and arguing with him. I felt like I provoked him to do it. Especially when he stopped apologizing for it and would tell me that if I didn't provoke him it wouldn't happen. So again, abusive relationship. While we lived together there were other things I noticed. Like when dong laundry, semen stains on his underwear when we weren't intimate. He would just do fishy things like wash laundry before I got home. One time he came home and it appeared to have red lipstick on the lower part of his front shirt. A few months down the road I decided to check the cell phone records and guess what I find? A number that had crazy amounts of texts on a daily basis to this number I've never seen. I call it and find out it was that woman that my ex saw him at the bar with. When I confronted her and asked what was going on she was very defensive and said to take it up with him. When I asked him and he couldn't lie about it anymore he said she was just a friend. Just a friend that I never heard of and someone he texted all day everyd ay until 5:00 when I got home. He talked his way out of it again and of course I felt like it was me. Maybe if I wasn't so insecure and always questioning him then he wouldn't look elsewhere. Because it did get to the point where I questioned his every move. I guess I had a good reason to, right? So he never gave me closure. Didn't talk about it. Would have hissy fits if I needed reassurance. I figured I deserved that and nothing. If I brought it up he would have rages and broke my bakers rack and a table chair once. Of course I thought well, if I didn't provoke him right? A few months down the road he was out of town and accidentally left his email up. Of course I checked and found an email between him and her. He had reached out to her and she had said "I seem happy now because I'm not so effed up over you like I was before. I can be a great friend if you ever want to let me in". Well that to me means that something happened between them for her to be messed up over him and if they were friends before why was she saying she could be a good friend now. That she could show him the real her. At this point I lost it. I felt I had all the proof I needed. When I called him and asked he hung up on me but texted that it's not what it looks like. That they were just friends and she was crazy about him. Well, at this point like I said I had enough. I moved out of our home and got a new place. A week later, guess what? I find out that I'm pregnant!!!! Talk about timing, right? Well, I let him back in because I figured that we'd work it out and he did promise me that we'd get married and that things would be different. We started to work on things. I had my new place and he stayed in our old house till the lease was to be up. Well, sadly I had a miscarriage. A week later we decided to have drink together after work but he was acting very strange like he was rushed. I said why rushing? Can't we just spend time? He said that he needed to get home and be alone. I couldn't understand why because we always spent time together and for some reason out of nowhere. Well, he called me crazy and said that everyone said I was crazy and threw me out of his house. The entire night I was so sad, crying and couldn't sleep. Had the WorST feeling. Well, that morning I woke up and decided to drive by our old house together. Well, I saw a car in the driveway that wasn't his so I went inside because the key was left in the door and I saw a bed made on the living room floor, wine glasses, etc. I started walking up the stairs and he was walking down. He said "what the hell are you doing?" I said what are you doing? He kept going down and I went up. Well, guess who was there in the bathroom? His ex that he broke up with before meeting me. Not his ex wife but his ex girlfriend after his wife. I couldn't believe it. I was frozen in devastation. I started to walk out and asked him what the hell was going on and do you know that he grabbed me by the arm and made ME leave????? Afterwards he called and said of course he didn't touch her and that he made me leave because he was afraid I was going to hurt her and she did nothing wrong. They didn't do anything. She was at a bar in the area, ran into each other. Lost her keys and needed a place to stay. I FORGAVE HIM! At that point I was so afraid of losing him. I don't know why. I mean, I did move out after the emails to that other woman but we were working things out when I was pregnant and this was ONE WEEK after my miscarriage that I find him the home that we lived together with someone else! He weaseled his way back into my life a week later by apologizing like crazy and saying he would never hurt me, is going to marry me, etc. Said everything I needed to hear. How dumb was I? He likes to drink a lot and does cocaine from time to time and smokes marijuana every day. He drowns out his sorrows of his past life of what could have been with his children. He hates that he can't see them everyday and hates that he feels he failed them. So he does his "extracurriculars" which is bad. He knows I don't like that either. So I would nag him about that but it was never out of evil or trying to be a mom. I just know that he is a good person who makes bad decisions and has so much potential. Well, FINALLY yesterday (two years later) after a few temper tantrums (not hitting) and us just not getting along. Him not proposing to me, me constantly whining about the kids and not wanting to be around them anymore, we just stopped getting along. Him not ever talking to me about how I'm feeling, etc. I decided to end it. I changed the locks, took the rest of his belongings out of here. He had hung up on me for no reason and it was the icing on the cake to EVERYTHING I've dealt with. I'm so sad though and am wondering if this is the right thing. I keep thinking that maybe if I didn't act like crazy insecure girlfriend and question him and nag and complain all of the time that he would have proposed to me and would maybe talk. He always did thoughtful things like would draw me baths, make me dinners, let be who I am as far as being needy and insecure. Would call and check in all of the time. Came home everyday after work, etc. But I wasn't happy with that. I felt like I needed more. A wedding ring and a commitment, etc. To talk when I was feeling insecure. He wouldn't do those things though and I'm emotional and like to talk. He's emotionally shut down and will not talk. Well yesterday I had it. Told him that he is too stuck in his past to love anyone the right way and that I needed to get away because years of me trying and nothing has changed. That after years no proposal, no opening up to me, being angry, etc. He said he was sorry that he hurt me, will always love me and hopes I can forgive him someday. Of course I can't believe that he didn't fight for me or beg me to stay. After all I've done and the good loving woman I've been to him? Well, when I called him to make arrangements to get the rest of his things I asked why he seemed so ok with it and he said "there you go, always wanting to hear what you want to hear when you want to hear it". He said that he said what he had to say yesterday and I didn't know that the few things he said translated to working things out? Haha… So after we hung up of course I get the text of I love you, I can change my ways, etc. AFTER I complain that he didn't fight for me. I told him that we needed this time apart and until he showed me that he has changed he can't come back here. So he hasn't called or texted like he normally does. I feel like he's ok with letting me go and it's killing me. Or he thinks I'm bluffing because I've fake broken up with him before. I've never taken it to this extreme of changing the locks and moving all of his belonging to a storage unit. I feel like this is my fault and if I would have just been happy, not nag and trust and not be crazy girl who checked or need to "talk" all of the time and not needed reassurance and just been confident and secure that I would have gotten him to be better and open up more. Did I drive him away with my craziness? Or did he make me crazy and I'm thinking he'll change, etc. If I change will he change? Why isn't he begging me and fighting for me? Or should I even care? I apologize for the LONG thread but I really need some input and advice as I'm so torn. I wanted to get all of it out (and I think I'm leaving some out) so you can give me the best advice possible. I feel like I've been abused to the point of believing that it is me. I've completely lost myself and self esteem, etc. I feel nuts. Any words are so appreciated. I look forward to the support I know you can offer me here. Thank you in advance. P.S. This is a total crazy story I know. After reading all of it typed out I'm like WOW. I'm very emotional and a mess right now. Can't believe that my life has come to this craziness!!

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