Avoiding joy for the fear of joy?

I don't know where to post this. I guess men with similar thoughts would exist somewhere around here. I subconsciously avoid positivity, joy, fun, excitement and sometimes sex for fear of 2 things: 1. The inevitable end 2. The predictability There might be other reasons, but these 2 stand out every time I want to commit myself to an act that is meant to be rewarding. I realize this is easily diagnosable as a form of depression, but knowing that is just not satisfying enough. I'm a visual person. Everything gets visualized in my brain and run through multiple times before it actually happens. Of course, I rely on my predicting abilities for this and unfortunately (really unfortunate) I'm quite good at predicting the level of joy, hence totally spoiling future experiences for myself. Example: I think of traveling to Barcelona: Naturally I should be excited and feeling joy. I do for very very short moments, but for the most part, I can easily visualize and perhaps 'feel' being in Barcelona and the level of satisfaction that I'm going to experience. Finally I take the actual flight and arrive in Barcelona. Not only was I totally accurate on my assessment of 'self' in the new setting (Barcelona+activities), I often find myself having been overly forgiving of the possible annoyances in my imagination. At this point, because the original level of joy was already predicted and perhaps 'felt' to a degree before I even set foot in Barcelona, the inevitable annoyances that would normally be ignored gain significance. This ruins things. This was just an example. I go through this with every little thing. Even eating a sandwich follows the same trend. Sometimes, the 'aftermath' or the 'ending' of joyful events causes incredible levels of hesitation in me. I fear the ending more than I invite the beginning and duration. It sucks. Just wanted to get this off my chest and in writing for future reference.

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