So confused! (Suicidal)?

I am an asian child 2 years ago I fell in love with a girl I am still with her now. She is mixed race, part white part asian. In my culture we are not allowed to have a girlfriend and I have been told all my life that my mother will show me a set of photographs and I will pick a girl from them, no ifs no buts. If we do have a gf and choose to be with them we will be disowned. Recently my mother had started noticing and making comments that she knew I had a girlfriend - previous to this I was being called "Bastard" "Retard" "Low life" "Waste of space" etc for not getting the grades she wanted in my exams (reason was that I was stressed about this). Anyway about a month ago while they were out I decided to text my mother that I had been with a girl for 2 years because I decided it wasn't safe for me to do it while we were at home together. When they arrived home (I still live at home) they did not talk to me at all until the next day evening when after dinner and everyone had left the room my mother said to me. Two things) Are you even a muslim? &Why are you such a liar? (I was not able to tell them about my girlfriend because of fear for my safety) Things went on I wasn't able to speak, I was told I am selfish and I am only thinking about myself and that this was stressing her out so much she was on anti depressants. She then went on to say she would never accept anyone white or not basically where we are from in Pakistan into our household. (for marriage, we are never allowed to date only photograph arranged marriage). And if I wanted to have a white girlfriend I should get out of the house. My dad suddenly came in and fearing for my safety I decided to tell my parents I had broken up with her... I haven't obviously... A week later I posed the Q to my mother that in the future without being boyfriend/girlfriend would i be able to arrange a marriage with someone white or with another race - and she said no. She said that if you wanted to do that you'd be choosing HER over me, and that i'd be crushing all her dreams and that she was already on anti depressants because of me. We then went to Pakistan for a holiday I prayed etc (not really religous as you can tell) and so they believed I had turned my life around lol. When we came back I came back a week earlier than the rest of my family and my aunty and uncles were waiting at the airport for me, they picked me up and my aunty (mothers sister) said she would take care of my passport for me because I may misplace it which I found odd but handed it over anyway. It and the rest of my id is now at their house out of my reach, I didn't realise this at the time but I do now, although my mother will never admit to it and says that it's their because it would stress my aunty out to make her get it down from all their paper work as my uncle is sick. Anyway yesterday I decided I was sick of hiding this and my girlfriend decided to tell her parents, who accepted it really well (They have actually bought me gifts etc). However I decided to tell my parents who don't know I was with her, that I wanted to get back with her because I MISS her. Anyway my parents flipped out as I expected and my mom said I was crushing all her dreams and I don't care about her and if I wanted to be with her I could get out of the house - and that if I did this then when she died she would tell my brothers and sisters that i wouldn't be able to attend her funeral. My dad told me I could be with her if I wanted to marry her now (But I'm 19) he said he would watch her from a distance to see if she was a good girl and so I should tell him where she lives etc (they do not know anything about her identity not even what she looks like because I decided it was safer) But I told him no even though he threatened to hit me and asked repeatedly where she lived. I then realised this was all a ploy so they could go down to her house and tell her parents and her to leave me alone because she was leading me astray lol. This is because what he said a few minutes after was...she's white I don't want a white girl, we should pick etc She's probably a prostitute, She probably says I love you to 5 other guys etc things like this. The weird thing is I didn't react because I'm so used to this ****, afterwards I thought wtf and got really angry. So anyway he said forget about this girl or by midnight I will call all your uncles and they will sort you out it's your choice. Today they wanted to go to the beach so we can bond like a family wtf, it messes with my head they expect me to forget etc. I have 9grand savedso could move out if I wanted to...but they would disown me so messing with my head...People tell me to move out but I don't want to upset my parents

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