How does someone tell when both parties are "truly" in for the Reconciliation?

Like the title says, how does a person tell when both parties are "truly" committed to R? Is it like the cheating suspicions that your gut instinct drives the feeling of whether or not it is true and not false reconciliation? I know that I am all in most of the time (I am being truthful as we all have our off or down days that we really wonder if it is worth it to try and are not on our A game), but I don't seem to see the same in her. I feel that she has checked out years ago. She was the WS and had A's (EA and PA) but says she is doing all that I ask and need and that I either don't see or or don't want to see it. SHe might be right as she has cut me to the bone. I have been reading the books, watching the movies, working on myself, going to counseling (we have had to stop due to finances and availability of counselors), and being more involved with the family (this is a big thing for me as I wasn't raised in a household that showed emotion), yet I don't see much of anything by her. When she points things out, I tell her that I do see things she has done, but I need x, y, and z and she is not doing those things (so I do convey what I need and want to her). She has yet to do any of them and this makes me hurt and sad, as I see it as her not trying or being committed. The worst part is that over the period we have been trying to R, I have become cold, hardened, and detached to the situation. Do we still have a chance or is it truly not worth the effort and over? (I have tried the R route as we have been together over 18 years, 15 married), have 2 kids, and I do love her, although I think her love for me has died a long time ago and isn't coming back.)

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