husband's untreated ptsd destroying us

This is a waffle so be warned. My husband is ex police of 10 years and military (although never deployed). In the police he saw some terrible things. Let's call him H. Detracting a bit to explain how I've hung in there so far. I've lived a fun-flled life and am well-travelled. Seven years ago just as I completed my Masters Degree I went totally deaf although only 40 y/o. I was offered fantastic jobs before graduation - none of which I could accept due to the deafness. After every test on earth I was diagnosed and got one cochlear implant in 2007 and then the 2nd in late 2012. It is only after the second I am starting to feel 'normal' again. During this period I was pretty much unemployable. I also had a 7 year old when we met and H took him on the stepfather role. H was earning huge money working OS in the oil industry and said I could live in his apartment as it was empty half the time and it made no sense to pay rent. I have never liked the town where the apartment was, but financially it made sense. I became totally dependant on him financially. Every time he came home (5 wks on/3 wks off) he would pretty much spend the entire time on the computer or in front of the TV. It was a major ordeal just to get him to come for a walk with me. He would get angry whenever I tried to make him participate in family stuff. He got angry my son played soccer not rugby, angry I went to the gym. He was angry a lot. But I would never succumb to such stupidity. He said he never did anything at home because he wanted an acreage to look after. I came home more than once and unseen by me I could see he was surfing one of those sites where you hook up with singles and other couples just for sex. I hever mentioned it. In 2009 he was diagnosed with testicular cancer and had them both removed. He's in recovery and seems to be going well. During this time he was awful, but I was supportive. I asked if he wanted counselling due to perceived loss of manhood or whatever, but he said he didn't because he didn't care - he never intended to have kids anyhow. That didn't make sense to me because I knew if I had the female version - a hysterectomy- it would have had a profound effect on me. After 2 years I just couldn't stand that dustbowl hole of a town and demanded that we move. He refused and I said I'm going anyway. However he tagged along. Stupidly we bought a small farm. Cut a long story short. Two years ago my (now 11 y/o) son had to use H's computer. We asked H first and he okayed it. When my son opened it his mouth just gaped open and he stared at me in shock. On the screen was a photo of a couple doing doggy and a letter from H with his phone number organising to hook up with them (on his own). I hit the roof. He denied it was there and told me I was mad and imagining things. So I did something I'm not proud of - I took a screenshot and emailed it to his family and best friend (a woman). Then I left for 5 days. He rang around and incredibly managed to russle up sympathy because it was all a reaction due to his cancer and loss of manhood. I was painted as the evil, unsupportive partner. Naturally he left out that I'd seen him doing this stuff before his cancer. When this all blew over he still refused to have therapy for the cancer 'because nothing was wrong'. He's addicted to porn and it's nothing to spend 15 hours per day on facebo ok while refusing to come to the beach or whatever with us. Ok that's the backstory. Basically he's angry often. He scares my son's friends with his agressive driving. He calls tailgating at high speed 'assertive driving'. He comes up with the most far-fetched reasoning to justify his not participating in anything - he tries to do my head in and succeeds. As soon as he's out of the country it's like i don't exist - no phone calls and emails very rare, but i can see when he's posted rubbish on facebook (so I cut him off so it's not rubbed in my face) I have tried being upbeat, but people are a mirror and when people glare and sneer at you it's hard for it not to rub off. ie. one day the only thing he might say to my son is 'get the fxxx out of the shower'. I suggested over and over that he gets counselling for the post police ptsd as I know he's seen some really bad stuff - i.e he was a police diver as well, pulling murdered women out of rivers etc. His father is ex-navy and suffered ptsd and it destroyed his marriage - with H's mum kicking him out. The dad has implored him to have therapy and do something about the anger and depression. Basically he's no companion when home or away. His dad flew up a few months ago and H made some promises to make more effort contact wise. He never honoured them. The house is falling down. Any attempt top get him to fix stuff at the property is met with 'stop nagging'. He's emotionally absent -i.e. when my son and I nearly drowned (rescued by surfers -it was traumatic) and came home bloody and beaten from the rocks he merely sneered at me. A hug would have been too much effort. Before I continue I must be fair - with supporting us he is generous financially. He pays 2 mortgages, insurances, private health etc etc. My pay is my living allowance,but it's unreliable as it's casual work. Anyhow a mth ago a film crew came to town. I saw a chance at a respite for both of us, so went and saw the producer and asked if he needed a fully furnished house to rent for some of the crew. He did and we would get $4K/week for 7 months. When I asked H by email he never responded. Instead he came home and told me he was leaving. I pointed out his depression making him act the way it does. I asked why he didn't respond to the chance to get such an income stream if he was leaving anyhow and he ignored me. H's response to talking about depression was 'you are the cause of my anger and depression. It's all you.' I rang his mum and told her the whole story because I think she needs to know her son has depression and is doing a repeat performance of his dad's life basically. His dad's outlet was alcohol and H's is pornography. (i.e one harddrive had 350gigs of images on it. He says the oil company supplies it and emails it to them so he's not to blame) Naturally I got abused by him for that but I stood my ground as this was mother to mother and still believe I did the right thing. I don't know what I'm looking for here really. Perspective perhaps. But does anybody think he may have ignored the film rental offer to control me - i.e. I wouldn't have to rely on him to pay the mortgage for a year at least. Also he left a Dear John letter Monday - never coming back, then rings me Weds night 'to see how everything's going'. Oh yes, a male's perspective would be welcome. Why would you take all your clothes and personal effects from the bedroom, but leave your two best suits and flash leather jacket in the wardrobe plus (his) photo of himself on the bedroom wall. He does my head in and I'm looking forward to some space to get some clarity.

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