Aliens? .. Midlife Crisis?? Bat s**t crazy?

Ok so first time poster, and I need some advice am I crazy was it a midlife crisis (year and a half from 40) what the heck should I do???? Ok so im not going to sugar coat this and say if he had done this and this I wouldn't have traveled the path I did, I own my actions and that's the end of it but my biggest concern is why? I did it and how do we move forward. Just over a month and a half ago I placed an ad on Craig's list looking for an online chat partner it started off very innocently in the strictly platonic section saying no romance just chat. And I had a few people answered (I work nights a few times a week and I find a chat buddy makes the night not suck as much) I weeded out the creepy ones and held fast to the no sex no romance ones .. initially ironically I wasn't interested in any of the men I chatted with and cut them lose as soon as they tried to press the issue of sexting or more then friends I kept 2 male chatters that were in it for just the chatting… but my problem arose with a woman who answered my add and we connected right away chatting through email 100s of times in a day getting to know each other… and I didn't want her to know about my husband (should have been my first warning flag to myself) so I created this other person with a different life I was still me but not (if that makes any sense) I had a different name job ect nothing that could tie back to me. Any how things progressed to the romance aspect of it very quickly and I went with it didn't try and stop it in fact snowballed rapidly with me spurring it on at every turn all the while mentally freaking out. I kept trying to end it but being too caught up in the "fiction" to step off and step away; I even went so far as to tell this woman I loved her. Finally I set myself an out date by "making plans" I could never make happen (she lives 1500 miles from me) the intent I had was obviously I couldn't make it to see her so I would force myself to end this farce of a relationship and stop this madness... then I forgot to log out of my email and my husband as he puts it "spidey sense" kicked in and he read some of our emails. I had always deleted my entire msg history so even the innocent ones to the other ppl were deleted but in my inbox there were about 10 very explicit emails to and from me… This was about 2 weeks ago that he found out and needless to say he's very hurt and I'm devastated because even though my actions speak differently I love him and only him and don't want to lose him. We've both spent the past two weeks upset and talking me more crying and begging (we have a daughter and rather than just saying screw you get out he's trying). I can't give him an answer why… because I don't know it's just so bizarre and screwed up. And the cherry on my sundae is after I told her about the situation she was of course hurt and pissed off, but then her and my husband in an effort to understand what I had done started talking and now they text constantly and talk on the phone… it's like … my husband stole my girlfriend (I don't want her back). I've seen some of their msgs and they are innocent so far but she's feeding him info it's like whenever I feel like we're making head way she drops something else on him not always in context …(right now he's dealing with me saying I love you) I keep asking him to forgive me begging him too and he keeps saying only time will tell he either will or he won't be able to… and I wish he would stop talking to her however I'm the one who brought her into our marriage in the first place. So at the moment were in a place of polite silence, he's finally stopped looking at me like I shot his dog, but I feel like I've become this crazy clingy person esp every time he is msging her. He has access to all my email facebook ect ironically I no longer have any access to his. Thinking back on it now I wonder what kind of monster plays with another person like that?? I will be fine and then it smacks me in the face of what I've done and I just sit an cry, and of course because I deleted all my email history he doesn't believe me that my chatting with other people was innocent at all. So that is my tale of WTF. Even sitting here seeing this typed out I still go What the H*** was I thinking how did I think this would work out??!?!?Aliens abducting me for the month would make more sense to me then the reality of what I willingly did. I guess what im asking is what should I do with him, do I keep being in his space reminding him that I love him, touch him and want him… or do I step back let him have his space (im worried that doing one will smother or doing the other he will shut down on me and lose him) he lets me touch him and be affectionate to him but never really reciprocates it. I will do anything to win this man back and spend the rest of our lives proving to him that it was a one month melt down….

Put the internet to work for you. via Personal Recipe 2629979