25 and too young for this....

I have been married for 3 1/2 years, but separated for for 2 1/4 years. We're both young, I'm 25, and "Jim" is 26. Things were rocky when we were dating. He had a drug problem in the past, and before we got married he went to rehab, and moved about 2 1/2 hours away to something like a halfway house. He moved home for me, because I refused to move away from my family. When he got here, he lied to me about looking for work. When he did find work, it was a fight to get him to help with the bills. In hindsight, its like we were running two separate households, in one. We fought and argued all the time. We even got physical a few times, to the point I ended up in the hospital. It got a point where I was never home. I came home to sleep, shower, and sometimes eat. When I was home, I couldn't stand to be near him, I hated to have him touch me. I made him leave the apartment. I told him that it didn't mean it was forever, but I was fully intent on divorcing him. He was, and still is opposed to divorce but is willing. During our marriage and separation, i have openly bad mouthed him. I have gotten a better job, maintained the apartment we once shared. I have seen two people, both of which I'm still friends with, one of which only ended recently. I ended it because it was becoming too serious and complicated, as he happens to be a co worker and the owners grandson at one of my jobs. We'll call him Bob. During our separation, my husband finally got a better job. He got an apartment (which I helped him find). He's still making some poor financial choices, but he has had his apartment for a year and a half. During this time he continued behaviors I had told him were unacceptable many times, and generally bring drama to my home. Most recently, a matter of days in fact, he jumped/started a fight with "Bob" at my house when he was dropping me off from hanging out with his sister. My friends and family all dislike "Jim" for the way he has treated me and behaved. In his defense (I hate to do this), I never really talked about the nice things he did when he did them. In hindsight, I didn't try to make it work and we have fought about that forever it seems like. I just don't want to admit it to him. I walked into my marriage, knowing if it didn't work I could always get a divorce. Not just that, but I "knew" my marriage would fail. But I said I would marry him, and I did. Probably not the best attitude for beginning a life long commitment. When we separated, I told him it didn't have to be forever, (but I intended it). We would kill each other. Part of me used the separation as a way to leave. Period. I guess now, I'm left wondering if there really was hope for my marriage, if there still could be. Did I let my friends and family decide for me. I know that's what they want. Even when I filed in the papers, I did it mostly because it was what was expected of me, though I haven't told anyone that. People are usually to busy "understanding" and telling you what you think and feel, instead of asking you. I threw Jim out and said mean hateful things because I should hate him. I've seen other people, because I should move on. I filed papers because I should. I just have so many questions. My parents were never married and my grandmother was miserable in the marriages I saw; does that mean that I don't know how to be married? What if knowing I could get a divorce, is why my marriage is heading that way? What if I had actually tried in the beginning? What if Jim had actually tried in the beginning? If I hadn't complained about him so much, would my friends and family still hate him? If I stayed, would they understand? Would they still talk to me? Would they make me choose between them and him by not welcoming him to their homes? After all the help they gave us to keep us in our apartment when we first got married, and then me after he left, am I obligated to divorce him? What if my arm had never been broken, would this still be so complicated? Does my family have a right to hate him for my injury, if I am the one who was hurt and can't hate him for it? Am I sick for still loving him? Is this too much for any one marriage to handle? What if he signs that papers, and I don't? Is there no chance we could be one of those couples who comes back from the brink of sabotage?

Put the internet to work for you. via Personal Recipe 2629979