I am married to an extremely depressed (clinically diagnosed), alcoholic man. I knew this when I married him 23 years ago and we have had our issues (I thought I could CHANGE HIM, I was 24 and very naive).
What I am searching for here is anyone who has a similar marriage where their disease is progressing fast, where they barely cannot get out of bed, where they don't even notice if you are in the room or not, where there is NO physical attention (sex, kissing, hugs, etc).
Then take that toxic soup and force feed yourself until you feel about to burst. You know the deal, you have been to counseling, you have had many conversations with your spouse, yet their lack of being PRESENT is slipping away no matter what you do.
It changes who you are and how you react to things. I have found I have become very guarded and sometimes I just stay out of his way which really is no way to live in a marriage. My coping mechanism is MUSIC and tons of it. Being a major metal head (some of us metal maniacs actually ride the music and it lifts our souls no matter how fast or offensive) I put on my music and let it overtake me. But this is a temporary fix and we all now that.
We are told by doctors of every type that IT IS NOT PERSONAL, THEY ARE IN PAIN, THEY CAN'T HELP IT, etc. But what about the faithful spouse who feels their neglect like bullets to the heart?
If it is clear to the spouse that the depressed alcoholic WILL NOT OR REFUSES TO GET HELP, then where does that leave you? Do you leave? Do you shut down too? Do you keep trying?
Ah yes, some of you may say "try the 180, or emotionally distance yourself with love." I have done this but being a HUMAN BEING WITH FEELINGS this is just a mask. When you do the 180 and your spouse doesn't notice, it is helping you or hurting you? Do YOU become the depressed person who cannot get out of bed. DO YOU eat for comfort and gain 50 pounds? DO YOU hide from your spouse to avoid the emptiness and get incredibly lonely?
All advice aside, as a human being who just wants to be loved and noticed, when do you stop losing yourself to IN SICKNESS AND HEALTH?
I look forward to hearing of your battles and connecting to another human being who knows what I feel inside. I know their are many of you.
COME OUT AND PLAY.
What I am searching for here is anyone who has a similar marriage where their disease is progressing fast, where they barely cannot get out of bed, where they don't even notice if you are in the room or not, where there is NO physical attention (sex, kissing, hugs, etc).
Then take that toxic soup and force feed yourself until you feel about to burst. You know the deal, you have been to counseling, you have had many conversations with your spouse, yet their lack of being PRESENT is slipping away no matter what you do.
It changes who you are and how you react to things. I have found I have become very guarded and sometimes I just stay out of his way which really is no way to live in a marriage. My coping mechanism is MUSIC and tons of it. Being a major metal head (some of us metal maniacs actually ride the music and it lifts our souls no matter how fast or offensive) I put on my music and let it overtake me. But this is a temporary fix and we all now that.
We are told by doctors of every type that IT IS NOT PERSONAL, THEY ARE IN PAIN, THEY CAN'T HELP IT, etc. But what about the faithful spouse who feels their neglect like bullets to the heart?
If it is clear to the spouse that the depressed alcoholic WILL NOT OR REFUSES TO GET HELP, then where does that leave you? Do you leave? Do you shut down too? Do you keep trying?
Ah yes, some of you may say "try the 180, or emotionally distance yourself with love." I have done this but being a HUMAN BEING WITH FEELINGS this is just a mask. When you do the 180 and your spouse doesn't notice, it is helping you or hurting you? Do YOU become the depressed person who cannot get out of bed. DO YOU eat for comfort and gain 50 pounds? DO YOU hide from your spouse to avoid the emptiness and get incredibly lonely?
All advice aside, as a human being who just wants to be loved and noticed, when do you stop losing yourself to IN SICKNESS AND HEALTH?
I look forward to hearing of your battles and connecting to another human being who knows what I feel inside. I know their are many of you.
COME OUT AND PLAY.
Put the internet to work for you.
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