With the ebs and flows of a marriage, there is a pattern I have noticed over then years and one that i see in many posts on TAM.
It's a pattern where one person in the marriage seems to want to take a passive role and the other person seems to be always the one bringing up the issues for discussion or encouraging marriage counselling. Some passive partners seem to show a stubborn unwillingness to acknowledge issues, have an adult discussion about them, or accept help. In my marriage, my husband has been through a couple of patches like this.
Other passive partners are open and will kind of go with the flow if you choose to bring it up or want counselling but they don't seem to want to be proactive in the first place, or won't be honest about their feelings (or activities) unless they are asked the question. This is my husband most of the time.
I don't think I am overbearing or alarmist but I do become concerned when there is a repeated issue that comes up. H is also an addict in recovery so from time to time he has busts with his addiction or is in a vulnerable place. This year he acted out with porn for several months without my knowledge, and has been dealing with renovations and the death of his father. I have been careful not to nag but every couple of weeks I broach the prospect of counselling for him. There is also tension with his family and me. Nothing dramatic, ie we are on good terms, but from time to time there are boundaries that are crossed and I want to work it out but he doesn't want to know about it.
The events of this year have taken their toll on us both and there has been some tension in our marriage that is some what subsided but not really resolved. So I am trying to broach things gently and to be honest I would like for us to go to counselling again but I feel he needs to see someone by himself while he is processing his grief.
I am concerned that if I wasn't the one bringing important things up or trying to have honest, adult conversations, or encouraging us to get help, that he would still be passive and would sooner watch our marriage crumble to the ground than taken initiative or call out problems.
After all this time I feel unsettled and not all that secure in our marriage. It can't always be me trying to take the lead role when working things out.
It's a pattern where one person in the marriage seems to want to take a passive role and the other person seems to be always the one bringing up the issues for discussion or encouraging marriage counselling. Some passive partners seem to show a stubborn unwillingness to acknowledge issues, have an adult discussion about them, or accept help. In my marriage, my husband has been through a couple of patches like this.
Other passive partners are open and will kind of go with the flow if you choose to bring it up or want counselling but they don't seem to want to be proactive in the first place, or won't be honest about their feelings (or activities) unless they are asked the question. This is my husband most of the time.
I don't think I am overbearing or alarmist but I do become concerned when there is a repeated issue that comes up. H is also an addict in recovery so from time to time he has busts with his addiction or is in a vulnerable place. This year he acted out with porn for several months without my knowledge, and has been dealing with renovations and the death of his father. I have been careful not to nag but every couple of weeks I broach the prospect of counselling for him. There is also tension with his family and me. Nothing dramatic, ie we are on good terms, but from time to time there are boundaries that are crossed and I want to work it out but he doesn't want to know about it.
The events of this year have taken their toll on us both and there has been some tension in our marriage that is some what subsided but not really resolved. So I am trying to broach things gently and to be honest I would like for us to go to counselling again but I feel he needs to see someone by himself while he is processing his grief.
I am concerned that if I wasn't the one bringing important things up or trying to have honest, adult conversations, or encouraging us to get help, that he would still be passive and would sooner watch our marriage crumble to the ground than taken initiative or call out problems.
After all this time I feel unsettled and not all that secure in our marriage. It can't always be me trying to take the lead role when working things out.
Put the internet to work for you.
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