Several months ago, I read some FB messages between my husband and a former co-worker that crossed some boundaries. They had been talking MUCH more than I had ever realized--very frequently during the day, and often after I had gone to bed at night--and their topics were at times over the line. He would compliment her looks, ask her to send him selfies, discuss certain raunchy topics. It was clear from the messages that they were not seeing each other and there was no mention of previous physical encounters, but it sent me into a tailspin. Several days later, I told him about what I had seen. He was very upfront, admitted that it had been inappropriate, etc. However, he also gave me some back story. It turns out that when they and a group of people had gotten together about a month before this, she had hit on him. He said he turned her down and I do believe him. At that point he offered to stop talking to her, but I asked him if we could wait and see.
I was still having a great deal of trouble with this. I began seeing a therapist to deal with the anxiety and paranoia this was causing. I knew their conversations were not going into the same topics as before, and he was talking to her a great deal less. I also asked him to not chat with her after I went to bed. Finally, about two weeks ago, I asked him to stop talking to her. At first, he was not happy with this request--one thing that came out of the conversation was that he felt like he was being punished for a crime he didn't commit because, as he put it, "This is someone I turned down sex with." I had to point out that some of the wrong ideas she had gotten were not being corrected by the later conversations. A few days later, he told me he had told her about my reading their texts, he unfriended her on FB, and will not be talking to her any more. He said he felt good about this, and this decision brought him some closure. The therapist I have been seeing has been very happy with the fact that I asked him to do this and seems to think that this will end the whole thing.
Since then, however, I have some paranoia that I'm really fighting to deal with. First of all, she is VERY public. She writes a blog, she has an open Instagram account, etc. I think he's been looking at these. He also has mentioned a few times that it has felt "weird" to have cut her out altogether. So now I feel like I just replaced their contact with an infatuation. This anxiety I have been feeling has been crippling for me, and it has certainly taken its toll on him the past few months, but to make things more complicated, I almost feel like if I keep pushing and bringing up these issues, it's going to feel to him like he cut off his contact with her for nothing.
Has anyone been through a similar situation, on either side of this? Does his relationship with her just need time to dissolve? Am I being unrealistic?
I was still having a great deal of trouble with this. I began seeing a therapist to deal with the anxiety and paranoia this was causing. I knew their conversations were not going into the same topics as before, and he was talking to her a great deal less. I also asked him to not chat with her after I went to bed. Finally, about two weeks ago, I asked him to stop talking to her. At first, he was not happy with this request--one thing that came out of the conversation was that he felt like he was being punished for a crime he didn't commit because, as he put it, "This is someone I turned down sex with." I had to point out that some of the wrong ideas she had gotten were not being corrected by the later conversations. A few days later, he told me he had told her about my reading their texts, he unfriended her on FB, and will not be talking to her any more. He said he felt good about this, and this decision brought him some closure. The therapist I have been seeing has been very happy with the fact that I asked him to do this and seems to think that this will end the whole thing.
Since then, however, I have some paranoia that I'm really fighting to deal with. First of all, she is VERY public. She writes a blog, she has an open Instagram account, etc. I think he's been looking at these. He also has mentioned a few times that it has felt "weird" to have cut her out altogether. So now I feel like I just replaced their contact with an infatuation. This anxiety I have been feeling has been crippling for me, and it has certainly taken its toll on him the past few months, but to make things more complicated, I almost feel like if I keep pushing and bringing up these issues, it's going to feel to him like he cut off his contact with her for nothing.
Has anyone been through a similar situation, on either side of this? Does his relationship with her just need time to dissolve? Am I being unrealistic?
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