My wife and I met 10 years ago this summer. We dated for 5 months before she became pregnant with our first daughter. I moved in with her to help out soon after this. We got along fine and never fought or argued. When she was 8 months pregnant, I was away one night and she found naked photos of an ex that I had somewhere on my computer and never deleted. This hurt her badly. We talked about it very briefly, I apologized and we basically buried it and moved on. Normally she said she would have just left me, but with the baby, she gave me another chance.
About 2 years later, we were about to be married. Things had been good since the first incident and the baby. Still, we never fought and we got along very well. Exactly one week before the wedding, my wife discovered I had looked at porn sites a few times. It was a habit I had long before I met her (I was 28 when we met) and it just happened a handful of times, but it was still wrong, knowing she was not comfortable with it. We talked about it more this time, but not enough. We went on with the wedding. I knew I really messed things up, so I changed big time. I told her before the wedding that "time was starting over" when we got married and I would never hurt her, etc. She was still mad at the rehersal to the point she wouldn't kiss me, but not mad enough the wedding night to not want to have sex, more than once.
Two years after we were married, she decided she really wanted another baby. I resisted at first, but eventually she got me on board 100%. We had another beautiful daughter. Our first daughter was a surprise, but this one was planned, she wanted to have a baby with me and it made me feel so much closer to her. The next 4 years seemed very good to me. We were best friends and never had anything to fight about. We both worked, though she wished I had stayed home with the 2nd baby to help at home. We both worked full time and kept a very clean house, which we completely remodeled ourselves in a 5 year span. I was always busy helping around the house. Things were never perfect, we went from having sex a few times a week in the beginning, to about once a week after the first baby and then once a month, I feel after she started working outside of the house again. At the time we figured its just we are busy, stressed and have kids. We were never very affectionate, although I desired to hug and kiss more as time went by, but she just said she wasn't the affectionate type.
Last year her mother was diagnosed with brain tumors in January. My wife would drive 4 hours to go stay with her and help care for her every weekend starting in May. She still worked her stressful fulltime job during the week, but every weekend until September, she would do the 4 hour each way drive to help out. I was very hard on her. Meanwhile, I was home caring for both our kids, the house and working. I did my best to make her not have to worry about anything at home. Her mom died in September. My wife was a little different right afterwards, but not too bad. Just a little sad and quiet, understandably. We never took a real vacation, besides weekend getaways, so soon after the death, she booked a week long trip to FLA for our whole family, to be in January. Around Christmas my wife got much different and started isolating herself from her family, our children and me. I got her a Kindle and she would put earphones in and listen to music and play games all the time. It was frustrating. We did our vacation and it was fun, we all got along fine. After vacation, she was still isolating herself and quiet, so I got quieter too.
Three weeks ago we were sitting and relaxing and she just came out and asked if I was happy. I said yes, I am happy, things are not perfect, but I am overall happy with life and marriage, things could be much worse. She revealed she has not been happy and her mother's death made her realize you only get one shot at life and you need to be happy. She wanted space to see if "this (marriage) is what she really wanted". She revealed she never felt comfortable being naked or affectionate with me after the pictures of the ex gf. She also did not like that over the years we never really communicated issues, such as the porn.
Over the next 2 weeks, though I knew she wanted space, I really opened up to her about my feelings for her and tried to tell her how I always knew there was room for improvement and now we see the problems, maybe this is an opportunity to fix things and be better than ever. She felt pressured by all of this all of a sudden from me. I slept on the couch or at friend's houses and tried to back off. Eventually she also told me she never felt like she "fell in love" with me. She loved me, but wasn't "in love". She also didn't know how I could love her and want to be with her knowing she felt this way. She started talking about me staying with close by family or getting an apartment so she could see if she'd miss me and if she could do it. She also brought up a few things that made her mad at me over the years that I never knew about. Such as me wanting to continue to work full time rather than stay home with baby. Also how I was always stressed and "angry" when we started remodeling our house.
We did decide to start marriage counseling. After the first session she wasn't in a hurry, so she made next appointment for 2 weeks. We had another talk soon after and it seemed there was no hope for us, my pressuring her had pushed her farther away. She still isn't 100% sure what she wants, she just knows/thinks she's been unhappy with me. Through all of this we have been communicating well and not fighting and are still being best friends, just nothing else. She says she feels very guilty and like she's being selfish, but has to do this. I know there is love between us. After all the years, things we've been through and having 2 kids, there is something there.
I am wondering how much of this could have to do with the severe grief of losing her mother. She was mad I was not a shoulder to cry on after her death. I always thought I was doing my part by taking care of the kid/house, and she's not one who opens up and shows emotion around people. Her mom was her friend and they talked every morning. Now she has no one (besides me) to talk to. She does not have a social life. She only chats with people at work but no good outside friends. I also know she is not cheating and there is no one else in the picture, I can trust her 100%.
As of last night we've decided I will stay with my cousin, instead of jumping into an apartment (and a lease) right away. That I need to out of the house (but still in the kids and her life daily to an extent) or it will keep pushing her farther away. I just can't give up, she is the love if my life and best friend. My friends and family know the situation and tell me she just needs time and they think she is not thinking clearly from her mom's death. Sorry for the novel, but there is a lot to this. I'm just looking for any advice/support. I have no interest in trying to find someone else, even though she says I need to "find someone who will love me as much as I deserve to be loved". I will do whatever it takes and improve myself any way I can to not only help her be happy, but get a second chance for us, especially now that I know what the issues are.
About 2 years later, we were about to be married. Things had been good since the first incident and the baby. Still, we never fought and we got along very well. Exactly one week before the wedding, my wife discovered I had looked at porn sites a few times. It was a habit I had long before I met her (I was 28 when we met) and it just happened a handful of times, but it was still wrong, knowing she was not comfortable with it. We talked about it more this time, but not enough. We went on with the wedding. I knew I really messed things up, so I changed big time. I told her before the wedding that "time was starting over" when we got married and I would never hurt her, etc. She was still mad at the rehersal to the point she wouldn't kiss me, but not mad enough the wedding night to not want to have sex, more than once.
Two years after we were married, she decided she really wanted another baby. I resisted at first, but eventually she got me on board 100%. We had another beautiful daughter. Our first daughter was a surprise, but this one was planned, she wanted to have a baby with me and it made me feel so much closer to her. The next 4 years seemed very good to me. We were best friends and never had anything to fight about. We both worked, though she wished I had stayed home with the 2nd baby to help at home. We both worked full time and kept a very clean house, which we completely remodeled ourselves in a 5 year span. I was always busy helping around the house. Things were never perfect, we went from having sex a few times a week in the beginning, to about once a week after the first baby and then once a month, I feel after she started working outside of the house again. At the time we figured its just we are busy, stressed and have kids. We were never very affectionate, although I desired to hug and kiss more as time went by, but she just said she wasn't the affectionate type.
Last year her mother was diagnosed with brain tumors in January. My wife would drive 4 hours to go stay with her and help care for her every weekend starting in May. She still worked her stressful fulltime job during the week, but every weekend until September, she would do the 4 hour each way drive to help out. I was very hard on her. Meanwhile, I was home caring for both our kids, the house and working. I did my best to make her not have to worry about anything at home. Her mom died in September. My wife was a little different right afterwards, but not too bad. Just a little sad and quiet, understandably. We never took a real vacation, besides weekend getaways, so soon after the death, she booked a week long trip to FLA for our whole family, to be in January. Around Christmas my wife got much different and started isolating herself from her family, our children and me. I got her a Kindle and she would put earphones in and listen to music and play games all the time. It was frustrating. We did our vacation and it was fun, we all got along fine. After vacation, she was still isolating herself and quiet, so I got quieter too.
Three weeks ago we were sitting and relaxing and she just came out and asked if I was happy. I said yes, I am happy, things are not perfect, but I am overall happy with life and marriage, things could be much worse. She revealed she has not been happy and her mother's death made her realize you only get one shot at life and you need to be happy. She wanted space to see if "this (marriage) is what she really wanted". She revealed she never felt comfortable being naked or affectionate with me after the pictures of the ex gf. She also did not like that over the years we never really communicated issues, such as the porn.
Over the next 2 weeks, though I knew she wanted space, I really opened up to her about my feelings for her and tried to tell her how I always knew there was room for improvement and now we see the problems, maybe this is an opportunity to fix things and be better than ever. She felt pressured by all of this all of a sudden from me. I slept on the couch or at friend's houses and tried to back off. Eventually she also told me she never felt like she "fell in love" with me. She loved me, but wasn't "in love". She also didn't know how I could love her and want to be with her knowing she felt this way. She started talking about me staying with close by family or getting an apartment so she could see if she'd miss me and if she could do it. She also brought up a few things that made her mad at me over the years that I never knew about. Such as me wanting to continue to work full time rather than stay home with baby. Also how I was always stressed and "angry" when we started remodeling our house.
We did decide to start marriage counseling. After the first session she wasn't in a hurry, so she made next appointment for 2 weeks. We had another talk soon after and it seemed there was no hope for us, my pressuring her had pushed her farther away. She still isn't 100% sure what she wants, she just knows/thinks she's been unhappy with me. Through all of this we have been communicating well and not fighting and are still being best friends, just nothing else. She says she feels very guilty and like she's being selfish, but has to do this. I know there is love between us. After all the years, things we've been through and having 2 kids, there is something there.
I am wondering how much of this could have to do with the severe grief of losing her mother. She was mad I was not a shoulder to cry on after her death. I always thought I was doing my part by taking care of the kid/house, and she's not one who opens up and shows emotion around people. Her mom was her friend and they talked every morning. Now she has no one (besides me) to talk to. She does not have a social life. She only chats with people at work but no good outside friends. I also know she is not cheating and there is no one else in the picture, I can trust her 100%.
As of last night we've decided I will stay with my cousin, instead of jumping into an apartment (and a lease) right away. That I need to out of the house (but still in the kids and her life daily to an extent) or it will keep pushing her farther away. I just can't give up, she is the love if my life and best friend. My friends and family know the situation and tell me she just needs time and they think she is not thinking clearly from her mom's death. Sorry for the novel, but there is a lot to this. I'm just looking for any advice/support. I have no interest in trying to find someone else, even though she says I need to "find someone who will love me as much as I deserve to be loved". I will do whatever it takes and improve myself any way I can to not only help her be happy, but get a second chance for us, especially now that I know what the issues are.
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