This is going to be a long post, so please bare with me. A little background - my husband and I have been married 9 years - together for 11. We have 4 small children - aged 3.5 years to 7.5 years. I'm 30, he's 36. I have been generally happy in our marriage and for the last few years, he has been generally unhappy. A few years ago, he started to read a lot of marriage help books. Our children were even smaller then and I definitely believe that his sexual needs were not being met. We are both generally non-confrontational with each other - especially when it comes to issues that arise in our marriage. So, he would read these books but not have a real conversation with me about them. He would just suggest that I read them too. I got about 3 pages into a couple Dr. Laura books but just could not stand to read them. I am all about making your man happy but it seemed like there was a lot of "submit to your husband" stuff that I wasn't really buying. I did read the 'For Women Only' book and actually started a book study on it with a couple of girlfriends. DH and I didn't really have serious conversations about them and I didn't realize he was as unhappy as he was. His ideals started to change (a whole different post for another day...) and he didn't file his taxes for about 4 years. Last summer, the IRS levied about $8000 from our savings as a result of his failure to file. That was basically all of our savings and I was mad. With these changes in his ideals, we had friends and family that were all thinking he was crazy but I didn't argue with him. He believed that what he was doing was the right thing for him so I supported him. After the money was taken by the IRS, I was pretty upset. We had a car repossessed, we had a home foreclosed on, and this was my final straw. I could no longer just be supportive and let this ruin us financially. I basically told him that he needed to fix it and there really wasn't room for di scussion. I went to work the next day, and when I came home he met me outside to tell me he was leaving me. He had already packed up his things and told our children that he was leaving. I was shocked. I seriously had no idea that he had been that miserable that he wanted to leave me. He had apparently been thinking about this and planning this for months. He told our children without me even being there or having a conversation with me. He said that he was tired of living like roommates. That he was tired of me putting the kids first before our marriage. We have had a few conversations about this before but never, "I'm so miserable in this life with you that I am ready and willing to walk away." His go-to for advice during this time was his 20-something brother who happened to be single. Never married, no children, no way he could possibly know what our life is like. DH and I were able to talk it out over the next few days and he decided to come home. I made it a point to be a better listener and to pay more attention to the things he was talking about. I made it a point to have sex more frequently. Just for the record, I do not think that I am a refuser when it comes to sex. I can't think of a time when I have said, "not tonight." I am not the best at initiating. I admit that and know that that is something that I need to work on. But I don't think DH is a good initiator either. I'm a firm believer in, if you want it - just ask or initiate. He doesn't really do that. So that's kind of the back story. Fast forward to now - I can feel he and I shifting back into a rut in our marriage. I think it happens to everyone. I don't think that it is specific to just our marriage. When it starts to happen, I find a sitter and schedule a date night. Life is exhausting sometimes with many small children who all have many small demands. He visits all of these marriage forums but never stops to try to have a conversation with me about wha tever seems to be bothering him. Lately he has been reading about sexless marriages and the forgivenwife blog (about her being a refuser and withholder.) I don't consider our marriage a sexless one - we have sex about once a week. But it appears as though he believes it is a sexless one. Yet, he doesn't talk to me about it. (I know about what he looks at online bc I checked his browser history a few weeks ago after I was using his computer and opened a new internet tab and it informed me that I was opening a new "incognito" tab. I had no idea that that even existed and then that got me thinking, "what is he doing that he has to hide it from me?") If he feels like he is in a sexless marriage, why isn't he making an attempt to initiate sex? He doesn't do it very often at all and it can't be because he thinks I'll refuse because I never do - and I'm always a willing participant. I don't just roll my eyes and lay there until it's over. I enjoy it - he can tel l that I enjoy it. If he feels like we are living like roommates again, why doesn't he do anything about it? Is he just going to stew about it until he can't stand it and leave me again? How can reading marriage forums and suggesting I read them as well going to actually make things better if we aren't going to communicate or take action? I have been reading these forums and some marriage blogs. I'm reading 'His Needs, Her Needs' right now. I'm trying. I would just like some perspective from other men and women.
Put the internet to work for you.
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