Hello. First post here. Just looking for advice or maybe just a sympathetic ear. A little about me - My wife and I have been together for 12 years, married for over 5. We are in our mid 30's and have 1 young child under 2.
A couple of things to say before I share this problem I am having. I am not perfect. Men are not perfect. I do believe that fundamentally men and women are different and think differently and that many arguments arise out of simple misunderstandings of those differences. Basically, we mean well but sometimes misunderstand our spouses. I get that. I still scratch my head sometimes wondering if my wife is different, but I'll get to that.
Here's our issue, which has existed for as long as we've been together so this has come up hundreds of times. My wife doesn't really share her bad feelings. I can tell that something is wrong. She is visibly bothered. She gets quiet, cold, stiff, basically emotionless. I KNOW something is wrong. I ask her what the issue is and the answer is ALWAYS "nothing." This goes back and forth. After much prying, it turns out something is wrong but she does NOT want to share it. She feels its better to just deal with it herself. For me, this hurts. OK, so this has happened MANY times. Sometimes the prying DOES bring out whatever the issue is and it's something simple. ME, being the man that I am, tries to offer solutions, which as it turns out is wrong, because maybe she just wants to share her feelings, not get lectured on how to fix it (this is the men vs women thing). She has said that she doesn't like sharing with me because I make her feel like what she's feeling is w rong. A line she uses is, "You're basically telling me not to feel that way." I feel that defense is one she uses WAY too much. I look at it like she shouldn't be upset because things are not as bad as they seem. I feel our life is truly blessed and we have much to be thankful for. I am serious, the stresses outside the relationship are normal like job, house and kid stuff - no REAL hardships. IMO, this is a blessing.
Here's the other major issue that ties into this. I feel my wife is extremely sensitive. Many times I feel like I am walking on egg shells around her for fear of saying the wrong thing that is going to upset her. So, she gets upset easily because she's sensitive and she doesn't share her feelings because she's sensitive and she can't be talked into a good mood because she's sensitive. She does let the littlest things stress her out and feels many things in her life and our relationship are "not fair" to her.
These fights can often lead to what we are going through now, which is DAYS of her being "emotionless" with me. We are not really talking aside from the bare minimum. There is definitely no affection. Let me say that again, COLD for DAYS. Over something she has not shared with me. She does unusual things acting like a martyr. Like, she insists on cooking and cleaning the kitchen all by herself, a duty we normally share. This goes on for days. I feel this is such a waste. Life is too short to spend being miserable and making your spouse miserable too. I have said to her, "It doesn't need to be this way," and "are you ready to talk?" Her response is so dead. She will literally NOT answer anything at all. I mine as well talk to the wall.
I feel she bottles up feelings and thinks she can just deal with them on her own. I try and tell her that is not healthy and that we should share our feelings with each other - that is what married couples do.
She can also be very cold, a sentiment that has been noticed by my parents (I know that's another issue) and by her parents. Her mother once told me that God sent me to her because I have so many patients. And that is true. I am patient and feel that I am a good husband and father. A good man. I feel my wife does not appreciate that. She makes me feel like I am a bad guy. I don't deserve this "stone walled" treatment.
As much as it hurts to think it, I sometimes feel like I married the wrong person. I do truly believe in marriage and feel it is for the rest of your life.
Anyways, this is something that has happened many times. We eventually get through it, but it is so frustrating and really stupid when it does happen and it seems like it's INSANE. It is a problem that has always existed and probably always will. That's what hurts too. That this is life, it's as good as it gets :/
Thanks for reading.
A couple of things to say before I share this problem I am having. I am not perfect. Men are not perfect. I do believe that fundamentally men and women are different and think differently and that many arguments arise out of simple misunderstandings of those differences. Basically, we mean well but sometimes misunderstand our spouses. I get that. I still scratch my head sometimes wondering if my wife is different, but I'll get to that.
Here's our issue, which has existed for as long as we've been together so this has come up hundreds of times. My wife doesn't really share her bad feelings. I can tell that something is wrong. She is visibly bothered. She gets quiet, cold, stiff, basically emotionless. I KNOW something is wrong. I ask her what the issue is and the answer is ALWAYS "nothing." This goes back and forth. After much prying, it turns out something is wrong but she does NOT want to share it. She feels its better to just deal with it herself. For me, this hurts. OK, so this has happened MANY times. Sometimes the prying DOES bring out whatever the issue is and it's something simple. ME, being the man that I am, tries to offer solutions, which as it turns out is wrong, because maybe she just wants to share her feelings, not get lectured on how to fix it (this is the men vs women thing). She has said that she doesn't like sharing with me because I make her feel like what she's feeling is w rong. A line she uses is, "You're basically telling me not to feel that way." I feel that defense is one she uses WAY too much. I look at it like she shouldn't be upset because things are not as bad as they seem. I feel our life is truly blessed and we have much to be thankful for. I am serious, the stresses outside the relationship are normal like job, house and kid stuff - no REAL hardships. IMO, this is a blessing.
Here's the other major issue that ties into this. I feel my wife is extremely sensitive. Many times I feel like I am walking on egg shells around her for fear of saying the wrong thing that is going to upset her. So, she gets upset easily because she's sensitive and she doesn't share her feelings because she's sensitive and she can't be talked into a good mood because she's sensitive. She does let the littlest things stress her out and feels many things in her life and our relationship are "not fair" to her.
These fights can often lead to what we are going through now, which is DAYS of her being "emotionless" with me. We are not really talking aside from the bare minimum. There is definitely no affection. Let me say that again, COLD for DAYS. Over something she has not shared with me. She does unusual things acting like a martyr. Like, she insists on cooking and cleaning the kitchen all by herself, a duty we normally share. This goes on for days. I feel this is such a waste. Life is too short to spend being miserable and making your spouse miserable too. I have said to her, "It doesn't need to be this way," and "are you ready to talk?" Her response is so dead. She will literally NOT answer anything at all. I mine as well talk to the wall.
I feel she bottles up feelings and thinks she can just deal with them on her own. I try and tell her that is not healthy and that we should share our feelings with each other - that is what married couples do.
She can also be very cold, a sentiment that has been noticed by my parents (I know that's another issue) and by her parents. Her mother once told me that God sent me to her because I have so many patients. And that is true. I am patient and feel that I am a good husband and father. A good man. I feel my wife does not appreciate that. She makes me feel like I am a bad guy. I don't deserve this "stone walled" treatment.
As much as it hurts to think it, I sometimes feel like I married the wrong person. I do truly believe in marriage and feel it is for the rest of your life.
Anyways, this is something that has happened many times. We eventually get through it, but it is so frustrating and really stupid when it does happen and it seems like it's INSANE. It is a problem that has always existed and probably always will. That's what hurts too. That this is life, it's as good as it gets :/
Thanks for reading.
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