I was on another infidelity site earlier today and read the thread of a guy M 25 years who caught his WW in a four year A about a year ago.
He decided to stay for the kids....a refrain we hear so often in these cases.
Well, he shared that 6 months after he was told of the A by the POS's fiance, his oldest child, a son, somehow found out about the A and went off on his mother, calling her a **** and other names....said it really shook his WW up.
But my thoughts on this is not what his son thinks of his mom....but rather what must he think of his father now.
I have shared here before about the dysfunction in my mother's family due to the rugsweeping of my grandmother's multiple A's including a lovechild....and how all this came out into the open when my mom and her sister (A child) argued after my grandmother's death.
My aunt told my mom that she didn't want the primary responsibility of taking care of my grandfather, despite the fact that she lived in his house with her son....In the heat of the argument she yelled out at my mom that it wasn't her problem anyway, because they both knew (my grandmother had told them both) that he wasn't her father anyway. (not to excuse my aunt's horrible behavior here, but I do think to be fair to her, I should say that my aunt was still a drug user at the time, something that my grandmother completely enabled.....in the years since, my aunt has totally cleaned up, and took great care of my grandfather until he passed on January 13 of this year)
It was this revelation that first brought me here to TAM....I wanted to understand if rugsweeping and excusing these things, as my grandfather had done, was the norm....and I was heavily criticized by my family for my opinions on what my grandmother had done...I was called cold and cruel, both for my statements about my grandmother and because I had immediately kicked my own LTgf to the curb after I caught her cheating about 9 years before (my family really loved her and thought I should have R'ed with her)...and yes this was a repeat of criticism I received at the time I broke it off.
But personally, another major struggle I had with this revelation (maybe the hardest to come to terms with) was how it impacted my view of my grandfather and my relationship with him.
As a kid, I almost worshiped this man....an ex-Marine WWII vet who embodied to me all the toughness and no-nonsense honesty a man should be...his war stories were the inspiration that drove me to attend the Naval Academy.
He was, along with my dad, the model of being a man that truly shaped who I was.
That image was destroyed when this was revealed....my disgust at my grandmother's whorish behavior spilled over onto him.
No longer was he this strong man, the epitome of a stand-up guy.
I hate to say this, but for the rest of his life, I could not look upon him without feeling shame and pity.
He decided to stay 'for the kids', but never really forgave my grandmother (there was so much dysfunction in the family that resulted from this that it could fill pages).
Coming to TAM confirmed to me that my grandfather, and my family in general, were completely wrong in how A's should be dealt with and addressed....I am very thankful for the insights here....they helped me to come to terms not only with my family's issues, but also with what healthy M's should look like and how to deal with/avoid relationship problems BEFORE they led to disaster.
Now, I fail to see the honor in 'staying for the kids' anymore....I know it sounds like noble self-sacrifice, but based on my family's history over the past 50 years, I think remaining M solely because there are children is a major mistake...and one that will potentially damage the kids views of relationships in general, as well as how they ultimately judge/see the BS.
So back to the situation that got me thinking about this whole issue....I can't help but wonder if this guy really knows what his WW's A, combined with his lack of consequences for her, has done to his son's views of M in general....or how he views his dad in particular?
Would a BS choose to stay for the kids if they knew that if the A is ever revealed (and there is a high probability it eventually will, as my family shows), their own children might view them with pity, shame, and possibly even disgust?
He decided to stay for the kids....a refrain we hear so often in these cases.
Well, he shared that 6 months after he was told of the A by the POS's fiance, his oldest child, a son, somehow found out about the A and went off on his mother, calling her a **** and other names....said it really shook his WW up.
But my thoughts on this is not what his son thinks of his mom....but rather what must he think of his father now.
I have shared here before about the dysfunction in my mother's family due to the rugsweeping of my grandmother's multiple A's including a lovechild....and how all this came out into the open when my mom and her sister (A child) argued after my grandmother's death.
My aunt told my mom that she didn't want the primary responsibility of taking care of my grandfather, despite the fact that she lived in his house with her son....In the heat of the argument she yelled out at my mom that it wasn't her problem anyway, because they both knew (my grandmother had told them both) that he wasn't her father anyway. (not to excuse my aunt's horrible behavior here, but I do think to be fair to her, I should say that my aunt was still a drug user at the time, something that my grandmother completely enabled.....in the years since, my aunt has totally cleaned up, and took great care of my grandfather until he passed on January 13 of this year)
It was this revelation that first brought me here to TAM....I wanted to understand if rugsweeping and excusing these things, as my grandfather had done, was the norm....and I was heavily criticized by my family for my opinions on what my grandmother had done...I was called cold and cruel, both for my statements about my grandmother and because I had immediately kicked my own LTgf to the curb after I caught her cheating about 9 years before (my family really loved her and thought I should have R'ed with her)...and yes this was a repeat of criticism I received at the time I broke it off.
But personally, another major struggle I had with this revelation (maybe the hardest to come to terms with) was how it impacted my view of my grandfather and my relationship with him.
As a kid, I almost worshiped this man....an ex-Marine WWII vet who embodied to me all the toughness and no-nonsense honesty a man should be...his war stories were the inspiration that drove me to attend the Naval Academy.
He was, along with my dad, the model of being a man that truly shaped who I was.
That image was destroyed when this was revealed....my disgust at my grandmother's whorish behavior spilled over onto him.
No longer was he this strong man, the epitome of a stand-up guy.
I hate to say this, but for the rest of his life, I could not look upon him without feeling shame and pity.
He decided to stay 'for the kids', but never really forgave my grandmother (there was so much dysfunction in the family that resulted from this that it could fill pages).
Coming to TAM confirmed to me that my grandfather, and my family in general, were completely wrong in how A's should be dealt with and addressed....I am very thankful for the insights here....they helped me to come to terms not only with my family's issues, but also with what healthy M's should look like and how to deal with/avoid relationship problems BEFORE they led to disaster.
Now, I fail to see the honor in 'staying for the kids' anymore....I know it sounds like noble self-sacrifice, but based on my family's history over the past 50 years, I think remaining M solely because there are children is a major mistake...and one that will potentially damage the kids views of relationships in general, as well as how they ultimately judge/see the BS.
So back to the situation that got me thinking about this whole issue....I can't help but wonder if this guy really knows what his WW's A, combined with his lack of consequences for her, has done to his son's views of M in general....or how he views his dad in particular?
Would a BS choose to stay for the kids if they knew that if the A is ever revealed (and there is a high probability it eventually will, as my family shows), their own children might view them with pity, shame, and possibly even disgust?
Put the internet to work for you.
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