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I guess I deserved this.

Ever since D'Day (two months ago), I've been searching for a forum that I felt like I could fit in. I've been browsing here for about a week and really like what I see so far.

Here's a bit of back story before I jump in to my present issue.

My husband (T) and I are both 30. We have been together for 10 years and married for nine. We have an 8 year old son, 5 year old daughter, and I am due to have our third child in just about two weeks.

Eight years ago I did something terrible. I cheated on T. I had a 3 month long PA. I admitted to it and BH asked me to leave. I did. I moved my son and myself into a small duplex where we stayed for a year. I cut all contact with my AP during this time. I wanted to fix my marriage, but I respected my BH enough to give him the space he asked for. In that year apart, we maintained a wonderful level of civility for our son. We had dinners together every once in a while, shared holidays, etc. BH began to make comments about reconciliation and in February of 2009 we got back together. By May we were living together again.

I asked BH if he would like to go to counseling together, but he has always refused. He doesn't believe counselors do any good, and he kept telling me that he was able to forgive me for my transgressions. For the next three years, things were great between us. My betrayal was *never* brought up, not even during disagreements. It really felt like we had found our newfound joy together.

Until the summer of 2012. I was having a "girl's night" at a friends house with three girl friends. We were drinking and having quality time together. The subject of my betrayal came up. Two of the girls were well aware of the subject, but a "new" girl (friend of a friend) was unaware. She asked some details (How did it start? How did it end?), to which I answered truthfully. I had been around this girl (we'll call her M) several times as she was the best friend of a good friend of mine.

A few minutes later she got up from the patio table to make a phone call. She came back about 20 minutes later and we resumed our girl talk (no more about my xAP). A few minutes later my husband texted me asking if I was enjoying talking about the OM. I immediately excused myself and went home.

We had an argument. I asked him who told him I was talking about him, but he wouldn't tell me. I told him the truth, that M had asked a couple of questions regarding him and I answered them truthfully. He went to bed angry at me, and so I made a bed on the couch. Several hours later (around 7AM) I woke up and went into our bedroom where he was still asleep. I checked his phone to see who had called/text him about it and, low and behold, it was M. It piqued my curiosity because 1) I was not aware they had each other's numbers and 2) Why did she feel so confident going to a man, that she has only hung out with a handful of times, and try to start drama?

I decided to get into our cell account (something I had never done) and do some investigating. I found hundreds of texts back and forth between the two of them starting from about a month ago. I dated it to the one weekend I didn't feel like hanging out with our friends, so I told my husband to go without me. I got up from the table and walked into the bedroom. Husband was just waking up, so I dropped his phone right next to him and asked him when he was going to tell me that M and he had been texting back and forth for over a month? He immediately tried to apologize, saying they were just friends, blah, blah, same typical story. He always denied anything more than friendship although I never quite believed him. I believed their texts were inappropriate, but I let it go because I wouldn't let myself forget what I had done to him (which was even worse because it had been physical).

He deleted her number, deleted her off of Facebook, and sent her a text saying that he would no longer be talking to her. A few weeks later or so, he showed me a Facebook message she had sent him saying something along the lines of "long time no talk. How are you doing?" and he asked me if I wanted him to reply. I replied for him saying, "This is his wife. He asked you to stop contacting him weeks ago. Back off now."

That was the last we heard from her.

Moving on. Two and a half more years go by and things are back to "great". We conceived our third child last summer and were both incredibly excited about it. However, around September his work schedule was changed drastically and he began working night shift (7P-7A) for seven days straight. I believe from September-December he managed to have three days off. This was a very difficult transition for us. The kids hardly ever got to see him because he was sleeping all day. Over time he became irritable from sheer exhaustion so we began to quarrel more and more (usually me begging him to demand some time off, and him getting frustrated because he couldn't).

On Halloween night a dear friend of mine was murdered (and to this day, it's still unsolved), so two weeks later I made the drive to attend his funeral. While I was gone, my husband had attended a "diaper and beer party" for his best friend whom was expecting his second child in a couple months. They had drinks at one bar and then went out dancing. Originally it was just the guys, but then a few girls ended up coming along. My pregnant best friend (her husband being who the party was for), her SIL, and another girl whose husband was also attending the party. I kept in touch with my husband throughout the night. He would let me know what they were doing, where they were, etc. I would get random "I love/miss you" texts, etc.

Flash forward a couple weeks. T is at work and my lap top is running slow. I decide to get on his desktop because it's faster than mine. His Facebook page is up (we've never had any reason to keep passwords a secret, so this wasn't unusual for me). As I was about to exit out of his page, a notification from my BFF's SIL (who attended the party a couple weeks back) popped up on his page. I checked it out of sheer curiosity and it went to a picture of a couple sinks she was wanting to install in her house. Husband and her had been commenting back and forth on the type of work needed to put into it, etc. All very platonic. Except it rubbed me the wrong way. For one, I didn't even know they were Facebook friends. We had all hung around each other plenty of times, but I've never clicked with this girl. She was always nice, but her personality just rubbed me the wrong way.

At this moment I decided to do some digging. I went to his activity log and noticed that he had friended her the Monday after his weekend out in which she had attended. Then he had Facebook requested her phone number, which really set me off. At this very time, a private message dinged on his profile, so I checked it since I was already in a shaky state of mind. Yep, from her. I read through some of the messages and they were all very platonic (about work) but it was obvious that the first message on that page wasn't the "real" first message. You could tell they had been in conversation for quite a while, but he had been deleting them.

I immediately called him and asked him if there was something he would like to tell me. Right away he asked if I was talking about A (what I'll call her from here on out). I said yes. He said they were just friends, but that he's sorry if their communication bothered me. That he had been deleting them because he didn't want to upset me. I was upset so I got off of the phone with him. An hour later he called me back asking if I was okay, if I could forgive him, etc. He told me that he messaged her and told her that he should never have started talking to her and that their communication would now cease, or something along those lines (but he also deleted that message, so I never had any proof of that).

This was at the end of November, right before Thanksgiving. Things were tough between us for a couple of weeks because I was feeling very discontent over it all. He kept apologizing and trying to make it up to me by being extra attentive.

Flash forward two more weeks and it's now around December 11th or so. We are at our daughter's preschool Christmas program and I am talking to my BFF before it starts, as her son is in my daughter's class. She asked how I've been doing and I told her not well, that I caught my husband messaging A and it really hurt my feelings. I told her that, ever since, I have been wary and wondering if he really cut off contact. That's when she dropped a bombshell. Her husband (T's best friend; A's brother) had caught A "snap chatting" T. I knew that T had a snap chat, but I kept up with it and never saw any activity on it that I didn't approve of. Except here's the kicker.. he had created an account that I knew nothing about and she was the only one on his friends list. BFF showed me a screen shot of A's snap chat and, clear as day, my husband was listed as her top best friend.

I walk back into the auditorium shaking. I tried my hardest to get through my daughter's program without breaking down, even with T sitting right next to me. By the end of it, all hell broke loose. He was scheduled to go into work that night but I told him he NEEDED to tell his boss that he was taking the night off for a family emergency. He immediately caught on.

I asked my MIL if she could take the kids to her house for a little bit because T and I had some serious issues to discuss. She immediately knew what I was referring to and said, "Really, T? What in the hell is wrong with you?". (After I found out about T & A's initial contact, I had a talk with my MIL about it. She was very disappointed in T, but we both had trusted him when he said he stopped talking to her.)

So, she took the kids to her house and T and I had it out at home. He was very apologetic, but I was on fire. Turns out he had never stopped talking to her after all (duh). He just learned to be secretive about it. He would call her from his work phone (which cannot leave his job) and they would snap chat. He admitted that their conversations had been less than innocent, but that he wanted to make things right with me, and he swore he'd stop talking to her. Etc, etc.

For the next month he swore that he was having no contact with her, and I couldn't prove otherwise. However, tensions were high in the house. He would get upset when I would ask about her, and I would get upset because he acted as if I should be over all of this already. Nevermind the fact that, by this point, I'm 7 months pregnant and extra hormonal. I just felt like he wasn't doing enough to prove to me that he was done with her.

Christmas came and went and I went on a week long vacation with my family (that we take every year). T was unable to get the time off (happens nearly every year) because he's only given a week's paid vacation and we use that over summer vacation. I was scared to leave, but the kids were looking forward to it so much that I ended up going. T and I kept in constant contact and everything felt fine. He seemed excited to see me when we got home, etc.

Flash forward to January 4th. The day before we had been in a huge fight (same issues- my insecurities now and his frustration with my constant nagging over it) and didn't say a single word to each other all day long. When he got home from work that morning, I asked him to come lay down in bed with me. We had a huge talk and we seemed to be making progress. I got up to use the restroom, came back, and his entire demeanor had changed within minutes. He tells me the classic "ILYBINILWY" speech and that he's leaving.

Just like that.

I throw myself into the shower a sobbing mess. By the time I get out, he's gone.

For the next month he still swears he's had no contact with A. He says he's just confused on what he wants and so he needs some space. He says he loves me, but I deserve someone who is IN love with me. I deserve someone better, etc, etc. He has a change of heart two weeks into the original separation and comes home for a whopping two days. The first day is great. He is happy and attentive and affectionate. He tells me he loves me without my initiating it. Then he goes to work over night and comes home a different man. He has off that day and is completely distant. That night, while in bed, he keeps waking me up telling me that I am taking up all of the room and that I need to scoot over (away from him). I wake up a couple times, in the middle of the night, and he's bent over the side of the bed checking his phone.

I just know at this point.

He leaves for work the following morning (his schedule got switched around) and he's distant all day again. I ask him, at 1:30, if he's coming home tonight. He waits four hours to text back and says no. That it doesn't feel like home anymore. That he's so sorry but he can't do this, etc.

Que immediate heart break again. I beg him to come talk to me in person and so he does. He repacks his bags in the presence of my sobbing children and me and tells me he's sorry, but he just doesn't know what he wants.

It's all a mess. He goes back to live with his mom. I need to mention here that all of his family is completely blown away and outraged by his behavior. They try talking sense into him, but he becomes a stone wall in their presence.

Fast forward to February 5th. Our son is in Cub Scouts and had a basketball game to attend that evening. T had promised to take him. That morning he told me he was going to help some buddies from work move and that he would be back in time to take our son to scouts. Only I get a text from him at 6pm saying he won't be able to make it after all. Surprise, surprise. DS is devastated, but I take him myself.

The next morning as I am driving the kids to school, I notice that T's truck isn't in his mom's parking lot. (We have to drive by my MIL's house every day to get to the kids' schools). It immediately triggered my heart palpitations. I tried calling him and got no answer. I dropped the kids off and rush home, immediately logging into our AT&T account. I noticed that, the night before, he made two calls into the next city over. I googled the number and what do you know? It's to a hotel.

If only I could describe my feelings at this point. Now to make an even longer story short- I caught him with A there. I confronted them both. It was terrible. He was so cruel to me. I took pictures as proof, and told A that I would be reporting her to HR (did I mention she's a *family and marriage counselor*??) That was the only instance in which she expressed a hint of emotion.

So, the truth is now out. He didn't leave me for space to think things through. He left me for her. He left his two kids, his wife, and his unborn daughter for HER. For a woman he had only been talking to since November. It didn't make sense to me. Why me? Why us?

Everyone knows. I exposed their A far and wife. They have both lost all of their friends. All sides of the families are angry at them both. Even my kids know that daddy has a girl friend and that's why he left. My son is in individual counseling because of this and my OB has put me on anti-depressants because of this. I'm due in two weeks and have no idea how I'm going to do this alone.

But here's where it gets even more hurtful. WH is now justifying his affair by saying he has never been able to forgive me for what I did to him 8 years ago. Basically, I brought this all onto myself because he could never get past it. But the thing is- he NEVER once expressed any insecurities over it. He never told me he was having a hard time with it. I would have went above and beyond to make things right in whatever fashion he needed from me. But he never gave me the chance. I lived the next 6 years in complete transparency to him. He knew all of my passwords. I was always where I said I would be (always finding ways to prove it, too).

It hurts me that he's found a way to spin this into making me look bad. I did everything I could to make our marriage right again, but did I really just do irreparable damage to his psyche? It hurts so bad. All of this.

Oh, and remember M from three years ago? He admitted pretty recently that he slept with her once. So it wasn't just an EA after all.

Again, that was because he was never able to truly forgive me.

How do you live so many years with someone and never know there's a problem? That's what I don't get. It would be different if every day was a struggle, but it wasn't. Beyond July of 2012 and November-now, we got along perfectly. We had incredible intimacy and affection. So many laughs and wonderful family times.

I'm truly at a loss here. I want to be so angry at him. I want to curse his name and move on without a look back. But I can't let go of that nagging feeling that I brought all of this onto myself. That it's finally karma coming back to me after all of these years.

Thank you for reading. I know it's a long jumbled mess, but I just needed to get it all out.

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