Hi everyone, I am dealing with a recurrent problem that is driving me crazy and unfortunately I am starting to question if I want to stay in my marriage or not.
I have been married for almost 5 years with a wonderful 18 month old son. My husband and I live a 3 hour flight away from both of our parents (home), who live in the same city/neighborhood as each other. There really weren't any issues with our parents and each other until my son was born. Long story short, all of our parents and sisters were staying in our tiny apartment for the birth of our son (10 people total). The night before I had my son, myself, my mom and my husband were all having a discussion about the birth and my mom was trying to calm my husband down who was getting nervous and he yelled at her. She left the room crying, he never apologized. One week later, we are still all together, now with our baby, my husband puts on the TV to watch football, and my mom puts on the washing machine which was nearby to wash our baby's clothes. He told her rudely to take it off, she didn't hear, so he yelled at her and flinged up his hands in front of everybody. She quietly tur ned it off and went outside on the balcony where she remained for the rest of the night. She stayed with us for an additional 5 weeks after everyone left to help us with the baby, and my husband never apologized to her and they had very little interaction. It was very uncomfortable. She said she would never come back, but a couple months past and she returned for Xmas with my dad, as well as a few months afterwards and there were no issues.
Fast forward almost one year at my sisters wedding reception. The hall screwed up the seating and my in laws table was behind the stage along with a couple of other tables. They were angry about that and expected an explanation from my parents. I talked to my dad about it and he said he was going to talk to them but he didnt.
A few months later was my son's first bday party. Everybody and then some flew down for the big party, about 14 of us staying in our apartment. Everything was going well, until the day of the party, where my husband got drunk because he was drinking with his friends and his father, and when we were all cleaning up, he started cursing out my father. My sister and I were there and witnessed most of it. He started accusing my dad of things that never happened, then bringing up things from BEFORE our wedding, and really saying hurtful things and getting in his face. MY dad walked away and stayed that night in a hotel and left the next morning. It was terrible. My husbands dad who was also drunk, witnessed the whole thing and didnt say a word or try to stop my husband. When my dad returned to the apartment after the incident where my mom/MIL and aunt-in-law were, he told them what happened. My MIL said what my husband did was wrong but also brought up the incident with the washing machine a year prior and told my mom she was partially to blame for that. My parents weren't too happy about that. Since our parents have returned to their homes, they have not had much interaction with each other, whereas before they used to talk fairly often.
Mind you, that night after the incident, my husband continued to drink with his father, his friends and my cousins, saying my dad is a coward and if he sees him he will slam him into the wall. When he returned to the apartment he was looking for my dad (who I dropped to the hotel) and when he realized he wasnt there said that he can never come back to visit his grandson again. He also said he has been disrespected. My mother and sister were there and heard everything.
We went through a really rough time after that. I was (and still am) really angry. MY parents feel hurt, disrespected and don't feel comfortable coming back for a while. My husband went to couselling and it took him 3 months to apologize to my dad over the phone, and it was a nice apology. But my husband maintains that his parents shouldnt have been seated where they were for my sisters wedding and my dad should have talked to them about it, and that was why he got so mad at my dad. He also says my parents interfere too much. I wont go into too many details now, but his parents are as equally controlling, and interfering, his mom has even gotten involved in one of our private arguments and yelled at ME (and never apologized); and I have never disrespcted, yelled, or cursed at them.
We have told both our parents to leave us alone for the past few months to help us sort things out, which they did. We have been doing better, but have not yet done couple counselling. So we havent had any visitors for about 6 months. We even moved to a house in this timeframe and my mom was supposed to come help, but she cancelled her trip. Until a month ago when his mom asked to come visit in June. Fine. I asked my parents if they want to come in May and they are still not ready. They are planning however to come in December to celebrate my moms 60th bday and xmas and go on a family vacation and my husband has agreed to that (for now).
We are also seeing his parents in May in NYC for a wedding. So my husband asks if we can go home in April for his friends bday. Fine. I ask if we can go in may for my cousins bday, which is actually going to be away from the city at a cottage. Fine. He asks if his parents will see my son during that trip. I said when we arrive and leave but we will be spending the majority of the time at the cottage. But your parents will see him at the wedding (we will be staying together) and in June. So now he doesnt want my parents to see my son in April!!! He says its not his problem if my parents dont want to visit us and his parent shouldnt have to "travel the world" to see our son!
WHAT? I am dumbfounded. So basically he can treat my parents however he wants, to the point where they dont feel comfortable visiting us and when we do go back home, he doesnt want them to see my son? I thought things were better, his feelings were improved but clearly not. Its like he doesnt want my son and I to have a relationship with my parents. He says I should defend him to them and make them visit us, as well as make them apologize to his parents for the whole wedding seating thing. I dont understand. Its killing me and its the only source of friction for us right now but its a big problem. We cant seem to agree. We need to go to couple counselling to have a third party mediator, but I need some help from you wise people, I cant continue in like this in our marriage. I shouldnt have to choose between my parents and my husband. I feel like its starting to affect the way I feel about my husband, as sad as that is.
Any advice is appreciated!
I have been married for almost 5 years with a wonderful 18 month old son. My husband and I live a 3 hour flight away from both of our parents (home), who live in the same city/neighborhood as each other. There really weren't any issues with our parents and each other until my son was born. Long story short, all of our parents and sisters were staying in our tiny apartment for the birth of our son (10 people total). The night before I had my son, myself, my mom and my husband were all having a discussion about the birth and my mom was trying to calm my husband down who was getting nervous and he yelled at her. She left the room crying, he never apologized. One week later, we are still all together, now with our baby, my husband puts on the TV to watch football, and my mom puts on the washing machine which was nearby to wash our baby's clothes. He told her rudely to take it off, she didn't hear, so he yelled at her and flinged up his hands in front of everybody. She quietly tur ned it off and went outside on the balcony where she remained for the rest of the night. She stayed with us for an additional 5 weeks after everyone left to help us with the baby, and my husband never apologized to her and they had very little interaction. It was very uncomfortable. She said she would never come back, but a couple months past and she returned for Xmas with my dad, as well as a few months afterwards and there were no issues.
Fast forward almost one year at my sisters wedding reception. The hall screwed up the seating and my in laws table was behind the stage along with a couple of other tables. They were angry about that and expected an explanation from my parents. I talked to my dad about it and he said he was going to talk to them but he didnt.
A few months later was my son's first bday party. Everybody and then some flew down for the big party, about 14 of us staying in our apartment. Everything was going well, until the day of the party, where my husband got drunk because he was drinking with his friends and his father, and when we were all cleaning up, he started cursing out my father. My sister and I were there and witnessed most of it. He started accusing my dad of things that never happened, then bringing up things from BEFORE our wedding, and really saying hurtful things and getting in his face. MY dad walked away and stayed that night in a hotel and left the next morning. It was terrible. My husbands dad who was also drunk, witnessed the whole thing and didnt say a word or try to stop my husband. When my dad returned to the apartment after the incident where my mom/MIL and aunt-in-law were, he told them what happened. My MIL said what my husband did was wrong but also brought up the incident with the washing machine a year prior and told my mom she was partially to blame for that. My parents weren't too happy about that. Since our parents have returned to their homes, they have not had much interaction with each other, whereas before they used to talk fairly often.
Mind you, that night after the incident, my husband continued to drink with his father, his friends and my cousins, saying my dad is a coward and if he sees him he will slam him into the wall. When he returned to the apartment he was looking for my dad (who I dropped to the hotel) and when he realized he wasnt there said that he can never come back to visit his grandson again. He also said he has been disrespected. My mother and sister were there and heard everything.
We went through a really rough time after that. I was (and still am) really angry. MY parents feel hurt, disrespected and don't feel comfortable coming back for a while. My husband went to couselling and it took him 3 months to apologize to my dad over the phone, and it was a nice apology. But my husband maintains that his parents shouldnt have been seated where they were for my sisters wedding and my dad should have talked to them about it, and that was why he got so mad at my dad. He also says my parents interfere too much. I wont go into too many details now, but his parents are as equally controlling, and interfering, his mom has even gotten involved in one of our private arguments and yelled at ME (and never apologized); and I have never disrespcted, yelled, or cursed at them.
We have told both our parents to leave us alone for the past few months to help us sort things out, which they did. We have been doing better, but have not yet done couple counselling. So we havent had any visitors for about 6 months. We even moved to a house in this timeframe and my mom was supposed to come help, but she cancelled her trip. Until a month ago when his mom asked to come visit in June. Fine. I asked my parents if they want to come in May and they are still not ready. They are planning however to come in December to celebrate my moms 60th bday and xmas and go on a family vacation and my husband has agreed to that (for now).
We are also seeing his parents in May in NYC for a wedding. So my husband asks if we can go home in April for his friends bday. Fine. I ask if we can go in may for my cousins bday, which is actually going to be away from the city at a cottage. Fine. He asks if his parents will see my son during that trip. I said when we arrive and leave but we will be spending the majority of the time at the cottage. But your parents will see him at the wedding (we will be staying together) and in June. So now he doesnt want my parents to see my son in April!!! He says its not his problem if my parents dont want to visit us and his parent shouldnt have to "travel the world" to see our son!
WHAT? I am dumbfounded. So basically he can treat my parents however he wants, to the point where they dont feel comfortable visiting us and when we do go back home, he doesnt want them to see my son? I thought things were better, his feelings were improved but clearly not. Its like he doesnt want my son and I to have a relationship with my parents. He says I should defend him to them and make them visit us, as well as make them apologize to his parents for the whole wedding seating thing. I dont understand. Its killing me and its the only source of friction for us right now but its a big problem. We cant seem to agree. We need to go to couple counselling to have a third party mediator, but I need some help from you wise people, I cant continue in like this in our marriage. I shouldnt have to choose between my parents and my husband. I feel like its starting to affect the way I feel about my husband, as sad as that is.
Any advice is appreciated!
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