I'm curious if other people here have suggestions to ease teenage girls through the process of dealing with having to meet the woman their father left the family for. A little background: Been married 20 years, have two teenage girls, 18 and 17. The kids have known about pending divorce and other woman for a year now, and I have known for a year and half (we have not filed yet due to kids, finances and house, and are mutually working toward what works best). The OW lives far away and requires a plane trip to meet, so the kids have not been faced with that yet. But things are moving ahead in their relationship. She's quite a bit younger and is wanting to have kids of her own (has none at 38 and is 10 years junior to STBX - 14 years my junior). She has already met my STBX's family. The girls are both curious and find it repellent to meet her. Their father comes home a couple times a month to spend time with them, and has always been a traveling parent, so the situation at home has not changed much at all for them, other than that mom and dad don't sleep in the same room anymore. We even still do things together as a family when he's around, so it's quite amicable. That has been easy for me because I'm not faced with the OW myself, and he was not home much anyway, so it's not like he was here and now gone from us.
The subject came up for them to meet the OW this summer which requires traveling with their dad. It's awkward because once they do, there is no escape and they would have to spend a set time in her company. Neither girl said much to me about it, but one asked what I would think about them going to meet her. She said she didn't want to do it if I wasn't ok with it. I said I'll probably never be 100% ok with any of it, but it is a bridge they will have to cross at some point, when they are ready. I'm not going to discourage it, nor will I encourage it either. I said I'm ok with what THEY want to do. I also told them it's ok to not be pushed into anything either. They are old enough to decide for themselves what they do, however, I also pointed out right from the beginning to carefully think about what they say and do, because he will always be their father, and they can't make him choose between them or OW.
So I'm not really sure what is best. My Older one wants to meet OW and is incensed that her paternal family has already met her and she hasn't, and at the same time, she still says things like she wants to know what kind of woman it is that broke up her family. She's the type who is very expressive and vocal. The younger one would like to avoid all of it if she can. She's very easy-going in general, and hates to be in the spotlight with anything, so will go meet the OW if she has to without saying too much, and she'll deal with it, but she really doesn't want anything to do with her. She just doesn't want to make waves, and would prefer being left alone. She's also been very quiet through everything, and suffered some depression and chronic headaches last summer because of all the changes (went to counseling too). She's happy now and adjusted to the new family-unit, so I hate to tip the apple cart again. She has one year of high school left.
I've been pretty open with them through everything, and I still have a good relationship with my STBX. I was pissed at how and why he decided to call it quits, but I was also 6 months out from cancer surgery at the time and after a couple weeks of being very upset, I decided life it too short to be pining over something when I can do better for myself (we dealt with another infidelity 15 years ago, which I never fully recovered from or trusted again). As a result of the cancer scare (caught early, thank God… everyday), I have also refused to be the bitter spiteful parent, maybe too much so…. my STBX suggested that I could go too… this summer to meet the new future wife. Like my youngest, I could do it and deal with it graciously, but prefer to be left out of it. In the end, I would absolutely do it if my youngest said that was the only way she would go.
I would appreciate any suggestions (without criticisms of my choices) to ease this transition for my kids, or anyone else's experiences explaining what went well and what went wrong….. I don't know anyone in a similar situation.
Thanks in advance.
The subject came up for them to meet the OW this summer which requires traveling with their dad. It's awkward because once they do, there is no escape and they would have to spend a set time in her company. Neither girl said much to me about it, but one asked what I would think about them going to meet her. She said she didn't want to do it if I wasn't ok with it. I said I'll probably never be 100% ok with any of it, but it is a bridge they will have to cross at some point, when they are ready. I'm not going to discourage it, nor will I encourage it either. I said I'm ok with what THEY want to do. I also told them it's ok to not be pushed into anything either. They are old enough to decide for themselves what they do, however, I also pointed out right from the beginning to carefully think about what they say and do, because he will always be their father, and they can't make him choose between them or OW.
So I'm not really sure what is best. My Older one wants to meet OW and is incensed that her paternal family has already met her and she hasn't, and at the same time, she still says things like she wants to know what kind of woman it is that broke up her family. She's the type who is very expressive and vocal. The younger one would like to avoid all of it if she can. She's very easy-going in general, and hates to be in the spotlight with anything, so will go meet the OW if she has to without saying too much, and she'll deal with it, but she really doesn't want anything to do with her. She just doesn't want to make waves, and would prefer being left alone. She's also been very quiet through everything, and suffered some depression and chronic headaches last summer because of all the changes (went to counseling too). She's happy now and adjusted to the new family-unit, so I hate to tip the apple cart again. She has one year of high school left.
I've been pretty open with them through everything, and I still have a good relationship with my STBX. I was pissed at how and why he decided to call it quits, but I was also 6 months out from cancer surgery at the time and after a couple weeks of being very upset, I decided life it too short to be pining over something when I can do better for myself (we dealt with another infidelity 15 years ago, which I never fully recovered from or trusted again). As a result of the cancer scare (caught early, thank God… everyday), I have also refused to be the bitter spiteful parent, maybe too much so…. my STBX suggested that I could go too… this summer to meet the new future wife. Like my youngest, I could do it and deal with it graciously, but prefer to be left out of it. In the end, I would absolutely do it if my youngest said that was the only way she would go.
I would appreciate any suggestions (without criticisms of my choices) to ease this transition for my kids, or anyone else's experiences explaining what went well and what went wrong….. I don't know anyone in a similar situation.
Thanks in advance.
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