Here's a serious conundrum. In CWI most stories involve a spouse who cheated and the resulting consideration of divorce.
But there are also stories of folks who would like to get together with another person but have not yet done so. They are advised to divorce first before becoming involved. This, most of us I think would agree, is the fairest thing to do.
But is it really? And this is the problem. The spouse who is asked for a divorce when there is no affair cannot help but feel that the entire blame for the breakup of the marriage is theirs. It is human nature. If it was not their fault, why is the spouse leaving?
On the other hand, when infidelity plays a role, the betrayed spouse feels that none of it is their fault. As we say, infidelity is 100% on the cheater. So that spouse knows where the problem is.
Now given the choice, which is the best for the "betrayed" spouse? Which is better feeling that they are a total and complete failure, or feeling that it was all the cheating spouses fault?
I would have chosen the "divorce first" solution as the most fair, but after reading some "divorce first" stories here and on other forums, it seems that the shocked and surprised spouse is even MORE devastated than the spouse betrayed by a cheater.
But there are also stories of folks who would like to get together with another person but have not yet done so. They are advised to divorce first before becoming involved. This, most of us I think would agree, is the fairest thing to do.
But is it really? And this is the problem. The spouse who is asked for a divorce when there is no affair cannot help but feel that the entire blame for the breakup of the marriage is theirs. It is human nature. If it was not their fault, why is the spouse leaving?
On the other hand, when infidelity plays a role, the betrayed spouse feels that none of it is their fault. As we say, infidelity is 100% on the cheater. So that spouse knows where the problem is.
Now given the choice, which is the best for the "betrayed" spouse? Which is better feeling that they are a total and complete failure, or feeling that it was all the cheating spouses fault?
I would have chosen the "divorce first" solution as the most fair, but after reading some "divorce first" stories here and on other forums, it seems that the shocked and surprised spouse is even MORE devastated than the spouse betrayed by a cheater.
Put the internet to work for you.
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