So long story short, I am a few days shy of turning 28. I have been with my husband for 7 years, married for 4.5. I have given so much up for our marriage. I moved away from all of my friends and family to support his career, I have worked 60+ hour weeks to try to appease his want/need for money, I have changed careers (to gain more money) all to appease him. I have changed my life drastically for him... What makes me extremely sad, is he hasn't changed at all. He had made promise after promise to change (for example actually do stuff, like go for a walk, go on a trip, him actually get a second job), but it never happened. He always made me feel like I wasn't worthy, and I tried to prove I was. 3 months ago, we discussed how many people got divorced and said to us marriage was for life, and that if need be, we would seek counseling, but would never call it quits. So, 4 weeks ago today, he tells me he wants a separation... With no REAL explanation why. He said that I leave work papers around, and that I don't do the dishes and house work as fast/often as he likes (and he is too busy with computer games to do them)... Oh and he doesn't want children (which is the one thing I would never compromise on) but states that's not really the issue... He hasn't actually given me an exact reason, but refused to go to counseling. I am on one hand grateful that I can hopefully be myself again, but I feel like I just lost 7 years of my life. I have changed so much from the person I was, and was proud of, and I'm not sure how to get it back. Regardless of what I act like, I am so embarrassed to tell people (I don't tell everyone, just friends and a need to know basis). I was out with friends (for a "feel good night") and I could tell they were talking about me... I have no idea what to say or do in those situations, but I felt SO small... I feel like people are constantly judging me. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed... Especi ally because my Identity became "his wife" rather than my own person. I am now trying to find myself, and rely on friends close by for support, but some are turning out to be more work, and anxiety provoking than others. We can't agree on separation agreement, so we went to mediator and he says the mediator is taking sides. He says I am money hungry, and goes on about how much better he made my life and I should be grateful for the years I got to spend with him. I am NOT looking forward to Christmas as I am sure to get "oh I'm so sorry, what happened" from people... I don't want to be pitied. I don't want to be talked about behind my back... I want to move on, but I am NOT ready, and worried I won't be... I don't even remember how to date... I have no idea what to do with my life, or even what I CAN do (afford to live). I have become so dependent on him, and I am feeling like I am falling apart... I am trying the whole "fake it t'ill you feel it" and glass half full, bu t sometimes I just collapse and start crying feeling like my whole world has ended... I know this is more of a rant, but I am not sure what to do or how to do it...
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