So in a nutshell, my H -- who is suspected by two therapists to have multiple NPD traits high on the spectrum -- went into a rage in March of this year over being called on being lazy for months on end. In his rage, he packed his things and left and told me he was done with the marriage. He secured an apartment and for all intents and purposes we didn't speak for months. This is not the first time this has happened with him, so this time I took him at his word and got on with getting on with my life. I didn't wait for him to "get over it and come back" like I have in the past.
Our agreement was that we would stay married on paper until December -- I was a smoker when I interviewed and I have to wait until December to interview again because they are a no-smoking facility -- when I could secure a job with our local hospital to get my own health insurance, but otherwise we were done.
Part of getting on with my life involved meeting someone online through a forum and becoming really good friends with him. We are long distance to one another and after months of talking we decided to meet up in person. In the last eight months we have seen each other four times. Because we generally meet in a town in between our homes and drink while we're out, we stay overnight. It is a purely platonic friendship as neither of us are the other's type and despite becoming really close friends who have helped each other through major life transitions, we just don't like each other like that. There has been absolutely no infidelity whatsoever as a result of this friendship -- none. To be fair, because we go out to clubs and bars, I get dressed up to, well, go out when we get together -- something my H is livid about. Other than that, I have not dated or seen anyone else this entire time romantically, and won't until I'm divorced.
To passive-aggressively "punish" me for meeting up with the new guy, he immediately went online and created a Match profile, lied about it after being caught, and so I have no clue if he ever met with anyone or not. If he did, fair enough. He has that right given our agreement.
For three months I had no clue what my husband was doing or who he was with. He wouldn't answer any calls, respond to texts, nothing. Complete silence.
Of course, after leaving the first time to meet my friend, my H has decided he wants to work on the marriage. I told him I wouldn't even entertain it unless and until he went to therapy to deal with his NPD defense mechanisms and behaviors and control and manipulation issues because I was done living like that. I'm tired of him walking out the door every time I try to address something because that's the only way he knows how to "deal" is by running. I'm tired of the covert control, the manipulation, the lies -- all of it. Just.over.it.
He has been going to a therapist for the past three months but has literally made zero progress. All the same NPD and passive aggressive behaviors are still fully intact and he just doesn't see it or get it. Instead he blames me for meeting my friend as the reason the marriage is in shambles. He takes no responsibility at all and seems to forget that HE WALKED OUT.
The agreement all along -- and it was endorsed by his therapist who explained to him that he didn't get to have it both ways -- was that he had the opportunity to go to therapy and try to get his issues under control, but as long as he was not living in the marital home and making progress in therapy with his behavior and committing to the marriage as a husband -- he wants to live away and come "hang out" when it is convenient for him -- that I was going to, and had every right to, continue living my life, including meeting up with my friend as though we didn't have a marriage because, well, we don't, really. He walked out on it and refuses to commit to it. His therapist told him, "It's like Humpty Dumpty. After pushing him off the ledge so many times, you just can't put him back together again. He's too broken. That's what you've done to your marriage."
Now, of course, this has turned into WWIII with him wanting to remain out of the home, continue making zero progress in therapy, continue the same behaviors that have caused problems all along, but still demanding that I stop speaking to and meeting up with my friend and "any other guy" I've met in the last nine months. I see this as manipulation and one more way he's trying to exact control, which has long been an issue in our relationship. He's a covert controller and I'm tired of always being the one to give in to his demands while he never holds up his end of the bargain, hence the reason the separation has gone on this long. I refuse to enable his abuse any longer and he hates it.
I know you guys will tell me if I'm being unreasonable...so am I? So far I have upheld my end of the agreement by being willing to give him the opportunity to try therapy but have made no promises beyond that and won't given our history. I can't live like this for another two months, though, until December gets here. I feel like I'm being punished with texts and calls every day for talking to my friend (who I haven't even met up with in three months), being accused of being a cheater (which I'm not), while he takes zero responsibility whatsoever for the situation we're in.
Or is this part and parcel of living with a PA/NPD abuser? And if so, how do I deal? This is driving me crazy.
Our agreement was that we would stay married on paper until December -- I was a smoker when I interviewed and I have to wait until December to interview again because they are a no-smoking facility -- when I could secure a job with our local hospital to get my own health insurance, but otherwise we were done.
Part of getting on with my life involved meeting someone online through a forum and becoming really good friends with him. We are long distance to one another and after months of talking we decided to meet up in person. In the last eight months we have seen each other four times. Because we generally meet in a town in between our homes and drink while we're out, we stay overnight. It is a purely platonic friendship as neither of us are the other's type and despite becoming really close friends who have helped each other through major life transitions, we just don't like each other like that. There has been absolutely no infidelity whatsoever as a result of this friendship -- none. To be fair, because we go out to clubs and bars, I get dressed up to, well, go out when we get together -- something my H is livid about. Other than that, I have not dated or seen anyone else this entire time romantically, and won't until I'm divorced.
To passive-aggressively "punish" me for meeting up with the new guy, he immediately went online and created a Match profile, lied about it after being caught, and so I have no clue if he ever met with anyone or not. If he did, fair enough. He has that right given our agreement.
For three months I had no clue what my husband was doing or who he was with. He wouldn't answer any calls, respond to texts, nothing. Complete silence.
Of course, after leaving the first time to meet my friend, my H has decided he wants to work on the marriage. I told him I wouldn't even entertain it unless and until he went to therapy to deal with his NPD defense mechanisms and behaviors and control and manipulation issues because I was done living like that. I'm tired of him walking out the door every time I try to address something because that's the only way he knows how to "deal" is by running. I'm tired of the covert control, the manipulation, the lies -- all of it. Just.over.it.
He has been going to a therapist for the past three months but has literally made zero progress. All the same NPD and passive aggressive behaviors are still fully intact and he just doesn't see it or get it. Instead he blames me for meeting my friend as the reason the marriage is in shambles. He takes no responsibility at all and seems to forget that HE WALKED OUT.
The agreement all along -- and it was endorsed by his therapist who explained to him that he didn't get to have it both ways -- was that he had the opportunity to go to therapy and try to get his issues under control, but as long as he was not living in the marital home and making progress in therapy with his behavior and committing to the marriage as a husband -- he wants to live away and come "hang out" when it is convenient for him -- that I was going to, and had every right to, continue living my life, including meeting up with my friend as though we didn't have a marriage because, well, we don't, really. He walked out on it and refuses to commit to it. His therapist told him, "It's like Humpty Dumpty. After pushing him off the ledge so many times, you just can't put him back together again. He's too broken. That's what you've done to your marriage."
Now, of course, this has turned into WWIII with him wanting to remain out of the home, continue making zero progress in therapy, continue the same behaviors that have caused problems all along, but still demanding that I stop speaking to and meeting up with my friend and "any other guy" I've met in the last nine months. I see this as manipulation and one more way he's trying to exact control, which has long been an issue in our relationship. He's a covert controller and I'm tired of always being the one to give in to his demands while he never holds up his end of the bargain, hence the reason the separation has gone on this long. I refuse to enable his abuse any longer and he hates it.
I know you guys will tell me if I'm being unreasonable...so am I? So far I have upheld my end of the agreement by being willing to give him the opportunity to try therapy but have made no promises beyond that and won't given our history. I can't live like this for another two months, though, until December gets here. I feel like I'm being punished with texts and calls every day for talking to my friend (who I haven't even met up with in three months), being accused of being a cheater (which I'm not), while he takes zero responsibility whatsoever for the situation we're in.
Or is this part and parcel of living with a PA/NPD abuser? And if so, how do I deal? This is driving me crazy.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment