Never have experienced the joy of one. I fear /dont know about
a)having kids-can't deal with it financially, emotionally
b)her not allowing any vulnerability, despite that I have things going for me in other ways.
c)the awkwardness and pain if it breaks up.
d)how to financially conduct it or living arrangments as I have my own place thats bought up, mortgage free, but I don#t have a lot of money besides.
I am both repelled and intrigued by a relationship. On the one hand, I see contraception as inauthentic which I know is weird, I kind of think sex is for pregancy or be alone, don't flame me or ask why, I just do. On the other hand I long for companionship that is not vapid, something meaningful where we care about each other and there is sincerity in it.
My other issue is that I have rejected things under my nose, been seen as someone who had an eye for diffeent people, or was unreliable, and didn't realise how much I cared for someone. So there's definitely soem weird avoidance going on, maybe to do with the fear of the emotion and pain of having children, because I haven't been that happy in the world always and I don't think it'sll make me happy. I just want to enjoy the kind of relationship people do when they're younge,r only I'm 33 and my life has had a lot of pain, now I don't want kids, not for ages, and I just want that joy of companionship and doing stuff together.
Put the internet to work for you.
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