This post might be long, sorry I just have to write this because it's something that's getting to me and I really would like some help I would appreciate some advice. Posting anonymously due to the sensitive nature.
A guy messaged me on twitter 3 months ago after I started to follow him and since then we've been talking, he messaged me said he found me attractive/sexy etc.. from my display picture.
The guy is a well known actor/producer in LA, after a few DMs I told him I'm interested in an acting career, always loved films.. Initially I didn't find him attractive, looks wise I wouldn't go for him (The fact that I didn't find him attractive and I'm not going to start being a Gold digger now and demand a career, I know no one owes me a living)
Then after speaking on twitter DMs, he wanted me to him as a friend Facebook his personal account and I did. After we spoke on fb messenger for an hour I quickly found out he's a very sexual person, which is something I'm not used to.. I'm naturally shy and I shut myself off from male attention I avoided telling him my past at first he was being upfront and saying all this sexual stuff sending me multiple messages, and kept asking me to add him to Skype.. just a few days after I started talking to him on FB. I told him about my past, I was sexually abused when I was a child and because of that I have very little confidence in myself and I have self esteem/worth issues. I shut myself off for so many years I'm in my 20s and for all of my adult life so far I've avoided male attention it was something I did to protect myself.
When we first started talking I was just so hesitant talking to him, I would always delay my replies and he would type really quickly.
After telling him my past, he seemed to be really supportive and understanding he mentioned he has a friend who has been through the same thing and 95% of his past relationships were with women who've been through the same thing and then he mentioned he knows how to handle me. After he told me that I did start feeling ok talking to him/ started to trust him. After a week talking to him on FB Then he asked me again to add him to Skype and talk to him on there. I was again feeling hesitant but he told me everything will be fine just try to trust him he was being really persuasive and I just gave in and just added him on Skype. The first time spoke on Skype we just talked, it was nice. Then after a few times of just talking on Skype he asked me to show my breasts to him and once again he asked me to trust him and again I was feeling hesitant again he was persuasive and I did show him my breasts, as things progressed over weeks he asked me to show him more of my body and in stage s I did and now I'm surprised with myself that I've shown him my body because for my adult life so far I sworn to myself not to show my body to anyone and I'm embarrassed. He still finds me attractive and sexy. Since his conversations are always of a sexual nature he wants me to call him "master" and he calls me "his slut" during anything sexual, he said my body belongs to him which I'm not comfortable with at all.
I just recently just found out when talking to him on Skype, I just by chance asked him about what we are if this was a relationship? Because he never defined what we/this is, always the conversations on Skype were more of the sexual side and then he would jack off while looking at my body then once he was satisfied then he'd say bye then close the conversation then we'd talk later on FB.
I asked him recently what this is between us, because he wasn't upfront before he told me that he's divorced and doesn't see himself being in a committed relationship then he asked me to be one of his girls and I asked him how many women are you sleeping with then? He just said he 2 women he sleeps with on a regular basis he also told me the number varies. I asked him if he's being safe with these women, I told him I don't watch to catch anything, he assured me he's being safe.
Now this makes me feel very uncomfortable about the fact that he's seeing and being with other women, because before he told me this I started feeling him after showing my body to him on Skype because I started to trust him. But now I feel like he's only interested in sex from me and I wasn't expecting that. He tells me when he's in London he'll see me we'll have sex while he's here and then he will still find other women in London while he's here to have sex with.
I'm really uncomfortable with that situation, I didn't have the confidence to tell him I'm not comfortable with that situation, I just said I'll let him do as he pleases. Which I hand on my heart I don't want that, because I'm giving myself to someone never thought I'd be in a situation like this, I always had faith that in the future I'll meet one man who is worth giving myself to and not like this. Being in a committed relationship with someone who loves and cares for me, that would be my ideal situation.
He also keeps mentioning to me this is how all normal women act, in his words enjoy the attention enjoy sex like all women to be a normal healthy women. Then I think what is exactly normal, with the life I've experienced so far.
When we first started talking he said that what we have we could become great friends or more but now after what he said recently makes me doubt what he said to me when we first started talking to each other. He's not being forthcoming it makes me wonder how genuine he actually is, he says a lot of things like this he contradicts himself.
He also gives me loads of compliments and says things of a supportive way so that I do what he asks me to do on Skype, he tells me things to do on Skype I've said no to but him being so persuasive I've given in, even when I didn't want to, I just did.
All of this is reminding me of the sexual abuse that I was subjected to in the past, he doesn't know how much I've cried and all of this is bringing up flashbacks, I can't sleep I'm feeling quite scared at the moment.
Also in my life my father wasn't there for me, I think that might be the reason why I'm trying to hold on to this guy try to make him be there for me.
I've noticed when we are talking on Skype I talk about other topics other than sex he's not interested / appears distant even distracts himself going on his laptop and because I'm too polite I don't say anything.
In FB conversations he wants me to call him "master" every time I speak to him, there are times I've not felt like calling him that so I just call him by his name and he gets really annoyed and once he told me he was going to give up because I'm not making enough effort as he is. I told him I'm sorry I will try and that was before he told me about the other women he has sex with..
I want to stop myself from getting more hurt by this because I have already started having feelings for this guy and for the past month I've in a way closed myself off not sending him as much texts but this hasn't stopped him talking to me.
Honestly I don't know what to do, I do like him but I feel like I can't be with someone who's interested in Polyamory, it's not something I wanted to be involved with ever, considering my past and my issues with my confidence. I've stopped messaging him as much but I still talk to him if he sends me a message and he's starting to understand me he's stopped sending me so many messages everyday..
He told me he has someone who lives near him in LA who's been through a lot with him that he cares for her he's been with her for years and that they regularly has sex.. when he told me that my heart just sank.. I wanted to cry because I never would've thought I'd be a "side chick" ever in my life. After he told me that, I asked if he cares about me given my what's happend to me in my past.. he told me well it's different between us, I asked him in what way? He just said that you need a man that you can trust and be comfortable with and then he said that was him but he never said that he cares for me that really upset me.
He also told me he doesn't want me to be in a relationship with someone else for a year or more because he said that I'll be giving so much of myself to the other guy and he just wants me to be with him but not in a relationship with him. Honestly this makes me upset, he doesn't want me to be in a relationship with him and yet he doesn't want me to be with anyone else. Is he trying to play with my emotions, brake me, use me, make me feel even more worthless? What are his intentions?
Will he ever change? Will he ever value me as I should feel like from him. He' the only guy who has been upfront and shown that he's interested in me, like I said I have closed off in the past at attention from men in general.
I don't want to be just a booty call.
I don't know what to do, this is really messing with my mind I like him but the way he's treating me is just breaking my heart.
Thank you for taking the time to read this, any advice I would appreciate it.
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Also please don't ask me to disclose any details on this man, because I will not share his name.
Put the internet to work for you.
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