So last night my fiance and myself were talking and it got round to the subject of porn and whether or not he still watched it: he said no, and I believe him. However, it's what he said next that has thrown me on a bit of a wobble. He told me that while he doesn't watch porn, he does still masturbate when I'm not home, but while thinking of myself - things we've done before, or imagining what would of happened on two occasions we went out and I got a little too drunk.
Now, most girls would be relieved at the no porn thing and I am, I really am. I'm the type of person that is severely insecure, and that would just throw me towards the deep end. The issue comes with what he does masturbate about.
Since he started his new job in March our sex life has went down the drain. We'll have sex about 2-3 times a month, sometimes 3-4 if I'm lucky. This has been driving me insane, because my insecurities have me believing that it is my fault: that he's gone off me because I've put on a bit of weight (about 7lbs); that people in his work are prettier (he works with lifeguards, girls with no responsibility and are all a bit younger and haven't had kids); I've been very up and down recently and need to go to the doctors about it, but it's caused me to become quite up and down too easily and quite argumentative.
On Saturday just passed, and last night, we spoke and he finally opened up as to why he had been that way. It turns out my moods had been affecting him, but not in the way I thought: he believe he had done something wrong so I was knocking his confidence. Then there is all the stress from his job, he has been put in to a manager role which is completely new for him, and he's worried as he's the only one working just now. He knows he has to keep his job until at least my probation teaching year starts in August 2015 until we're okay.
All of this stress means that when he gets home he just wants to sit and have his own quite time, he doesn't want to think about anything.
I berated him for not talking to me about all of this before the past week. He used to tell me it was "fine" or "okay" and we were "fine" or "okay", but one word answers were hardly enough to reduce my worries and concerns.
My hurt and upset comes firstly from the fact that for months now I've worried about him not fancying me and not finding me attractive, yet he does enough to do that to the thought of me, but couldn't muster up more than a one word answer when asked about anything or explaining it to me and left me sitting, obviously, worried for a long time. However, a small part of me is also upset over the fact that he is too stressed from work to be able to talk to me, let alone have sex with me, yet he somehow finds it in himself to pleasure himself. The latter is the part I think I'm being unreasonable with, I understand that masturbating and sex isn't the same thing and I know that him having sex with me requires him to be more emotionally involved, but it still hurts. The fact that he's happy to go weeks without touching me, but if I'm out doing the shopping/taking the kids places etc then he'll think about me and touch himself just isn't something I can just shrug off. I know it's my insecurities, and I know him touching himself and him having sex with me isn't the same thing, but I'd rather that it was me touching him than me sitting thinking I'm hideous.
I don't know, the insecure part of me (which pretty much consumes me) is quite loudly shouting inside my head something along the lines of "it's because you repulse him. What he can imagine you would be like, or what you were like before you moved, is 100 times better than you now!". It feels like he is genuinely happier touching himself just imagining me, than actually being attracted to and wanting to be with me sexually.
Which I know is rubbish, because surely if he wanted imagination and wasn't attracted to me then he'd watch porn and look at other women: which he doesn't at all.
Put the internet to work for you.
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