This is quite inspirational and I hope it will help. It definetely has lifted my spirits at times and i think it will lift your spirit when you are going through a similar situation of unrequited love :)
So, my problem here begins with a girl - let's call her Ilene to keep things straightforward. Ilene is one of my friend Jennifer's best mates, who I developed a thing for a couple of years back (early 2006). We'd often catch the same train on our way to university, and so we started talking and came to know each other better. I'd always seen Ilene as Jennifer's incredibly smart, bookish friend with short hair who I didn't know all that well; but now I was seeing her as a very beautiful woman who shared a lot of similar interests to me, who had a sharp and witty sense of humour underneath her awkward exterior, and who I could really relax and be myself around. Even when she found out about my mental health issues (dysthymia and OCD), she wasn't put out - indeed, she was really kind to me and I realised that this was the first girl I'd liked who treated me like a human being despite my crazy. That really meant a lot to me. It seemed we had a connection and I found myself thinking that Ilene could really be perfect girlfriend material. I eventually worked up the pluck to ask her to have dinner with me. Ilene told me that she wasn't interested in dating at the moment because she wanted to focus on her studies; and also because she had a four month trip to Italy coming up the next year (next year being 2007). She took great pains to assure me that she thought I was "sweet, funny†and that she "really loved talking with me", and that it was merely her current circumstances that stopped us from dating. Our strictly-friends relationship continued as normal for the next few months without getting uncomfortable or weird, as is so often the case in these situations. While I was still very attracted to Ilene and really wanted to pursue a romantic relationship, I was content to wait for the moment.
After Ilene came back from her holiday, things started to get interesting. The first time I saw her after her return was when we went out for drinks in the city to celebrate Jennifer's 21st. Ilene spent almost the whole night deep in conversation with me, and when she walked me to the train station to say goodbye, Ilene pressed herself right up against me in a hug that lasted a good minute - during which she stood up on her toes and whispered "It was really good to see you again" right in my ear. It seemed to me that if I could work up the nerve to make a move (again), Ilene and I could finally become a couple, like I'd been wanting to for so long. However, it was a bad time for move-making, because the next week was the beginning of the incredibly hectic time of the university year when we were all revising for exams and finishing term papers. I barely got to see Ilene during the next month, and when I did it was never a good time to broach the one subject I really wanted to talk about. I figured I could always make my move during the summer break, a perfect time for all sorts of romantic shenanigans. This was unfortunately when something truly awful happened - Ilene was diagnosed with Crohn's disease*. Wanting to be with Ilene took a backseat to being incredibly worried about her, but by the end of January she'd started treatment and was doing a lot better. I decided that I'd waited long enough, and since Ilene was getting sick of everybody treating her like a delicate flower, I thought she'd be ready for some fun. So, on Valentine's Day Ilene and I went on our first actual date. Having crap all experience in this arena, I stuck with the classics: we went and saw a quasi-romantic comedy about teen pregnancy, then had dinner at a fairly swish cafe opposite the cinema - at least, that was the plan. Like a mook, I forgot to make reservations for dinner and so just we ended up getting Subway and driving around listening to CDs after the movie. Still, Ilene seemed to enjoy herself, so our first date wasn't a complete and total failure; or so I thought at the time.
Now, after our Valentine's Day date, nothing much seemed to be happening - which confused me, since I'd more or less told Ilene exactly how I feel about her and she seemed to be giving signs that she felt the same. We'd call each other up and talk more than we did before, but every time I asked her if she wanted to go somewhere or do something - see a movie, have dinner or whatever else I might think of - she could never make it for some reason or other. At first I thought nothing of it. Ilene is very committed to her studies, more so than before now that she's doing her Honours year this year, and she works a lot of shifts at her job as well - and besides, she was still battling with a severe chronic illness. Altogether it didn't seem unreasonable for her to not have time for dating every so often. However, I started to think something could be amiss the fourth or fifth time Ilene had to work or finish an assignment when I wanted to make plans. When she flaked on my birthday party this month, which I deliberately told her about a month in advance, I was convinced that something was awry. So, last week I cornered our mutual friend Jennifer, and asked her if she could please tell me what was going on. After some coaxing and promises of ice cream, I learnt the following information from Jennifer:
Ilene has in fact been deliberately avoiding me for the past couple of months, as she's annoyed at me for liking her so much when she's not interested in me as anything more than a friend. However, Ilene's not actually told me this herself because she "doesn't want to hurt my feelings". Jennifer and their other friend Abby have actually been fighting with Ilene about this for a while, as they feel Ilene's being a bitch and could have handled this A LOT better. This line of talk put Jennifer in a divulgatory mood, so she went on to say that this is nothing to do with me, apart from my appalling taste in women. Instead, she assures me that this is all Ilene's fault for having ridiculously high standards which no man could ever live up to, as consequence of having watched too many romance movies and reading too many of Jane Austen's books. Nonetheless, Ilene apparently did decide to give me a try on Valentine's Day despite her misgivings about me as boyfriend material, but I was found extremely wanting. Jennifer has told me that she thinks Ilene's being unfair in her expectations of me, and should just accept me how I am. She also thinks that I could do better for myself, and that I need someone more fun-loving and crazy than Ilene who won't make me jump through hoops. Now, Jennifer's known both Ilene and I for most of our lives, and I usually trust her judgement but I'm just not sure about this one. It sounds to me like Ilene was just trying to do the right thing, but she's just as clumsy and inexperienced at this sort of thing as I am, if not more so. I think her having burnt me wasn't Ilene being deliberately malicious; just Ilene being Ilene - ridiculously book smart to the point where she has real trouble with social interaction.
So, the sum of my problem is: I still like Ilene and still want to be in a relationship with her. Since it seem like that's not going to happen anytime soon, I should try and move on. This is something I've never been good at, but I know I need to respect Ilene's wishes about our relationship. Ilene's friendship is very important to me, I love talking with her and spending time with her, and I truly do care about her, so I want this to be right again. At the same time, I know I really need to think carefully about how I handle this, because whatever action I do or don't take could fix things or just make them worse - I don't know which. I guess I'm really looking for advice on how to move on from a girl who I think is everything I've ever wanted, and what to tell her when I finally talk to her about this. Should I apologise for unsettling her? Try and persuade her to give "us" a second try? Am I crazy for still wanting her, or should I actually be angry at her for misleading me? Just how do I handle this situation so that all involved are happy with the resolution? I suppose this is where the good people of the internet come in.
Love is a two way steet. Need is one way.
There is no solution, you simply have to stop thinking about her and move on. Crushes are just a trick your mind tries to play on you because of our primal brain.
To sum up: I should probably focus on reaching that point where I'm comfortable with myself, which probably goes hand in hand with not thinking about Ilene for a while. Also, I should probably not start crushing on anyone until I've sorted myself out. I know there's probably nothing new here, but I'm finding it helpful to vent in this thread. Once again, if anyone reading this still wants to contribute advice, anecdotes or anything they feel would help me get over Ilene/embrace my myriad issues/become a better person/stop clogging the tubes with my crappy thread...I welcome it all. As I said before, I clearly need all the help I can get.
This story has really helped me. I hope it can help others out there who has ever experienced something like this after the first few dates :)
Put the internet to work for you.
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