I'm a BS about 18 months out from day and we're trying to R. I read a lot here but don't post often. The last couple of weeks my anger about his A seems to have resurfaced with a vengeance. For a long time I was equally angry at the xOW and my WS but over time my anger at the xOW has diminished and both barrels, so to speak, are now aimed directly at my WS. I realize my anger is part of this nasty roller coaster but it has brought the issue of forgiveness to the forefront.
I'm a huge grudge holder, always have been. I'm not even sure what it means to forgive or really how to do it. My dad was the same way and he went to his grave 2.5 years ago with no end to the cold, stone wall of his silent treatment he'd given me for 2 years prior to his death. I can say I had truly given up on ever again having a relationship with my dad about 5 months before he died. I always knew whether or not my dad was angry with someone by whether or not he was willing to contact them on a birthday or major holiday. Weird, I know. When there was no word from him on my 40th birthday a few years back, I had this sense of finality and that he would never forgive me for a conversation we'd had in 2009 that did not end well. He died five months after my 40th birthday in 2011.
Dad left this world with me holding his hand but by then he was brain dead and had only been removed from life support 30 minutes prior. We never had a conversation again after 2009. He couldn't, or wouldn't, forgive me and I eventually gave up trying. My dad would not respond to me by phone, in person, or even mail. Not even to tell me to 'F' off. I reached out many times and the response was crickets.
I digress.....in my current situation I see many facets of the lack of forgiveness (me) and giving up (WS). I had a meltdown about the affair yesterday and an even bigger one today. I realized today that I'm sure I've never really forgiven anyone for any transgression, big or small.
If I feel wronged by someone important to me I either keep them at arms length emotionally or if possible, I cut them out of my life. I avoid emotional intimacy with everyone and long ago pushed the close friends I once had out of my life. I know, I sound like a real peach.....ugh.
I want to reconcile with WS but I really don't know what forgiveness looks like or even how to start. I'm not trying to be dumb, I really don't know how to start or even what it looks like to forgive anyone. I've looked up forgiveness on the internet and have tried to understand it but I can't make the concept make sense in my own head.
I understand people make bad decisions, mistakes, etc. I'm not perfect nor is anyone else. However, I keep going back to adultery being a choice and not an oops/mistake, it's something that has to be schemed and plotted out. No one trips over their D into someone else's V..... oopsie. Yah, doesn't work like that.
My therapist asked me to define what forgiveness means to me and the first thing that popped into my head was putting oneself in the position of being vulnerable to someone who had already proven they are willing to cut you to the core. But isn't that what marriage is all about? The willingness and the ability to be vulnerable with the one you should be the closest to? It's clear that in large part I view relationships as a power struggle and that can't be anything but f'ed up in the worst way - on my part.
Perhaps I should just let WS go because maybe I'M too f'ed up to be with anyone. H*ll, I'm a mom of three grown kids and a college educated professional and I have to go to the friggin internet to figure out forgiveness....and it still doesn't make sense!
Please don't blast me, I know I've rambled. I've had a really s*itty time of it lately and just trying to figure out how to forgive with no prior experience. Help....
I'm a huge grudge holder, always have been. I'm not even sure what it means to forgive or really how to do it. My dad was the same way and he went to his grave 2.5 years ago with no end to the cold, stone wall of his silent treatment he'd given me for 2 years prior to his death. I can say I had truly given up on ever again having a relationship with my dad about 5 months before he died. I always knew whether or not my dad was angry with someone by whether or not he was willing to contact them on a birthday or major holiday. Weird, I know. When there was no word from him on my 40th birthday a few years back, I had this sense of finality and that he would never forgive me for a conversation we'd had in 2009 that did not end well. He died five months after my 40th birthday in 2011.
Dad left this world with me holding his hand but by then he was brain dead and had only been removed from life support 30 minutes prior. We never had a conversation again after 2009. He couldn't, or wouldn't, forgive me and I eventually gave up trying. My dad would not respond to me by phone, in person, or even mail. Not even to tell me to 'F' off. I reached out many times and the response was crickets.
I digress.....in my current situation I see many facets of the lack of forgiveness (me) and giving up (WS). I had a meltdown about the affair yesterday and an even bigger one today. I realized today that I'm sure I've never really forgiven anyone for any transgression, big or small.
If I feel wronged by someone important to me I either keep them at arms length emotionally or if possible, I cut them out of my life. I avoid emotional intimacy with everyone and long ago pushed the close friends I once had out of my life. I know, I sound like a real peach.....ugh.
I want to reconcile with WS but I really don't know what forgiveness looks like or even how to start. I'm not trying to be dumb, I really don't know how to start or even what it looks like to forgive anyone. I've looked up forgiveness on the internet and have tried to understand it but I can't make the concept make sense in my own head.
I understand people make bad decisions, mistakes, etc. I'm not perfect nor is anyone else. However, I keep going back to adultery being a choice and not an oops/mistake, it's something that has to be schemed and plotted out. No one trips over their D into someone else's V..... oopsie. Yah, doesn't work like that.
My therapist asked me to define what forgiveness means to me and the first thing that popped into my head was putting oneself in the position of being vulnerable to someone who had already proven they are willing to cut you to the core. But isn't that what marriage is all about? The willingness and the ability to be vulnerable with the one you should be the closest to? It's clear that in large part I view relationships as a power struggle and that can't be anything but f'ed up in the worst way - on my part.
Perhaps I should just let WS go because maybe I'M too f'ed up to be with anyone. H*ll, I'm a mom of three grown kids and a college educated professional and I have to go to the friggin internet to figure out forgiveness....and it still doesn't make sense!
Please don't blast me, I know I've rambled. I've had a really s*itty time of it lately and just trying to figure out how to forgive with no prior experience. Help....
Put the internet to work for you.
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