A quick background on me, read it or not, does not matter. I've posted a few times and then deleted them recently, the reason will become clear shortly I expect. This is going to become a regular update on rebuilding my marriage, and I'll take advice from anyone who will share it to help me through.
I have a most beautiful wife, and two younger daughters, who I think the world of and will bend over backwards for. Have two step kids, SD is 22, married and with child, living at his parents house. SS is 25 and a IT Hermit. Until recently had a MIL who lived with us, who has currently moved to my SIL's house to help out there.
Started Therapy a month or so ago. Three sessions for me made me feel better about myself (family problems) and made me believe that I should be less dependant on others to find my happiness. It also sparked an idea about what I was doing wrong, but I did not see that until I thought back on it. Since then we have started MC, and been for 4 sessions. Today and tomorrow are the 5th, by myself and the 6th, together. First two were tough, which is why we are seeing them individually until tomorrow. The aspect of my drinking came up between sessions, and has been an eye opener for me.
I should have started this thread from day 1, but we got into such a state one night (Whilst sober mind) that I looked up and attended AA for the first time. Did not realise how stupid I would feel and how I had nothing to share, although that is expected from a first time attendee. Missed the second session due to work and got drunk again (6 days dry), slept in the spare room. There are other issues which lead to that, but primarily it was that I needed some support and my wife headed out alone, I felt unsupported since they were going to the pub, and I said I should not go, but was so angry that she went (Get this, this is after I agreed she could go !!!). That aside, it's the beginning and the last drink I am going to have. Yes we have other marital problems which have to sort them selves out, and TRUST (mainly of me) is the biggest of them all, COMMUNICATION is the second. Missing that already.
I've used to drink for so many years now that it had become a way of life, it made me feel normal in the evening and I could sleep. It was not a down-one-in-the-morning before work type of problem, not even a lunch-time problem, but an 8pm, now I should be drinking problem. Normally I would be fine, other times, if something was bothering me, I would not talk about it, I'd demand and then shout about it. Not a daily thing mind you, but many times I would wake on the Sofa and wonder where W was, other times I would sheepishly get back into bed at 4 or 5 am to get up and go to work. Not daily but too many times. Not even monthy or yearly, but too many times. If I had realised it, I would have seen that one time was one to many. It's taken many years to understand what I had become, and I don't know if or how or when things will come back together.
Anyone who has seen my previous posts will see that was before I understood THE problem. Those are other issues I still have to deal with, some I've removed since I realise it was me venting about things that I should have dealt with and not shouted about. I was angry because of my incapability of handling the situation, and I'd happily invite W to come in and read these from now on.
Ok, now a few days in. Had my last drink on Thursday the 6th of February 2014. Not pasting it on Facebook or anything like that, just going to keep it together one day at a time. Couple of therapy sessions coming up, but I believe I am about to lose all that I held dear to myself over this time because of my drinking. I read many other posts on here about people married to alcoholics, wanting to leave alcoholics, divorcing them and all sorts. So maybe I am doing this so perhaps, just perhaps one of those alcoholics will stumble across it and, all going well for me see some light at the end of the tunnel for them. Perhaps long suffering partners could chip in with something that would help me, I don't know. The AA is there to deal with the drinking, the relationship and it's hopeful recovery is not covered there, maybe someone here could help. I hear of people after years, falling off the bandwagon, I just could not emotionally afford to do that.
I am a week in almost. My wife is talking about "finding herself" and we are barely talking. We both have reams of resentment built up. This is something I have to deal with, and we are both going to the next session, myself to AA and W to al-anon (I hope) who are in the next room at the church on Tuesdays. I have to see the MC tonight, AA meeting (two a week at the moment) and then MC tomorrow, together. Then I am hoping she will come with me on a night out, where we used to go and where I would previously down beers with chasers, as everyone else would do. Not tomorrow though.
I've been warned that there is a stage of persecution to follow, whether we make it or not. Anyone thinking of quitting drinking, ensure that their partners get treatment too, apparently they will need it. Without that, resentment turns to persecution and it can probably only get worse. I am expecting and am sure I deserve it. I am just hoping that, perhaps people out there who have lived through an alcoholics recovery and stayed with their partner could have some words of support and advice. I have listened and tried to understand what to expect and how things may go, but I have no idea other than the advice and support I have had from other sufferers.
I truly could not bear to lose my wife and what she is telling me, of what I have put her through seems so much bigger than the family, financial and work problems we are currently facing.
I have a most beautiful wife, and two younger daughters, who I think the world of and will bend over backwards for. Have two step kids, SD is 22, married and with child, living at his parents house. SS is 25 and a IT Hermit. Until recently had a MIL who lived with us, who has currently moved to my SIL's house to help out there.
Started Therapy a month or so ago. Three sessions for me made me feel better about myself (family problems) and made me believe that I should be less dependant on others to find my happiness. It also sparked an idea about what I was doing wrong, but I did not see that until I thought back on it. Since then we have started MC, and been for 4 sessions. Today and tomorrow are the 5th, by myself and the 6th, together. First two were tough, which is why we are seeing them individually until tomorrow. The aspect of my drinking came up between sessions, and has been an eye opener for me.
I should have started this thread from day 1, but we got into such a state one night (Whilst sober mind) that I looked up and attended AA for the first time. Did not realise how stupid I would feel and how I had nothing to share, although that is expected from a first time attendee. Missed the second session due to work and got drunk again (6 days dry), slept in the spare room. There are other issues which lead to that, but primarily it was that I needed some support and my wife headed out alone, I felt unsupported since they were going to the pub, and I said I should not go, but was so angry that she went (Get this, this is after I agreed she could go !!!). That aside, it's the beginning and the last drink I am going to have. Yes we have other marital problems which have to sort them selves out, and TRUST (mainly of me) is the biggest of them all, COMMUNICATION is the second. Missing that already.
I've used to drink for so many years now that it had become a way of life, it made me feel normal in the evening and I could sleep. It was not a down-one-in-the-morning before work type of problem, not even a lunch-time problem, but an 8pm, now I should be drinking problem. Normally I would be fine, other times, if something was bothering me, I would not talk about it, I'd demand and then shout about it. Not a daily thing mind you, but many times I would wake on the Sofa and wonder where W was, other times I would sheepishly get back into bed at 4 or 5 am to get up and go to work. Not daily but too many times. Not even monthy or yearly, but too many times. If I had realised it, I would have seen that one time was one to many. It's taken many years to understand what I had become, and I don't know if or how or when things will come back together.
Anyone who has seen my previous posts will see that was before I understood THE problem. Those are other issues I still have to deal with, some I've removed since I realise it was me venting about things that I should have dealt with and not shouted about. I was angry because of my incapability of handling the situation, and I'd happily invite W to come in and read these from now on.
Ok, now a few days in. Had my last drink on Thursday the 6th of February 2014. Not pasting it on Facebook or anything like that, just going to keep it together one day at a time. Couple of therapy sessions coming up, but I believe I am about to lose all that I held dear to myself over this time because of my drinking. I read many other posts on here about people married to alcoholics, wanting to leave alcoholics, divorcing them and all sorts. So maybe I am doing this so perhaps, just perhaps one of those alcoholics will stumble across it and, all going well for me see some light at the end of the tunnel for them. Perhaps long suffering partners could chip in with something that would help me, I don't know. The AA is there to deal with the drinking, the relationship and it's hopeful recovery is not covered there, maybe someone here could help. I hear of people after years, falling off the bandwagon, I just could not emotionally afford to do that.
I am a week in almost. My wife is talking about "finding herself" and we are barely talking. We both have reams of resentment built up. This is something I have to deal with, and we are both going to the next session, myself to AA and W to al-anon (I hope) who are in the next room at the church on Tuesdays. I have to see the MC tonight, AA meeting (two a week at the moment) and then MC tomorrow, together. Then I am hoping she will come with me on a night out, where we used to go and where I would previously down beers with chasers, as everyone else would do. Not tomorrow though.
I've been warned that there is a stage of persecution to follow, whether we make it or not. Anyone thinking of quitting drinking, ensure that their partners get treatment too, apparently they will need it. Without that, resentment turns to persecution and it can probably only get worse. I am expecting and am sure I deserve it. I am just hoping that, perhaps people out there who have lived through an alcoholics recovery and stayed with their partner could have some words of support and advice. I have listened and tried to understand what to expect and how things may go, but I have no idea other than the advice and support I have had from other sufferers.
I truly could not bear to lose my wife and what she is telling me, of what I have put her through seems so much bigger than the family, financial and work problems we are currently facing.
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