Here is my story:
About a year ago my husband of 16 years came home from work and told me he needed to tell me something, I knew something had been bothering him, so I hugged him, and we sat down and he told me that my suspicions I had 2 years earlier about he and one of my friends were right. He had had an affair. They never had intercourse, but just about everything else. It lasted 2 months, and he ended it. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach, my mouth went dry. I was so confused, I wanted to hit him one second and then all I wanted was for him to hold me the next. I just wanted to die. But I still loved him, I still wanted to be married. I knew instantly I wanted to forgive him. Although I didn't tell him that for a few days. The days following are a bit of a blur, I wondered if there would ever be a day when I wouldn't get up every morning to brush my teeth and collapse on the floor and cry for an hour. My whole world shattered. I told only my two best friends, who I kn ow I wouldn't have been able to get out of bed without.
So it's been a year since he revealed the affair, and 2 & 1/2 since the affair ended. I have forgiven him, and I love him. And I believe that he is truly sorry, and I believe that he is changing. I have scrutinized our marriage before the affair. It was an awful time in our lives. You see my husband was a pastor at that time, and the last 3 years in ministry were horrible. Full of stress, and feelings of failure. The other pastor my husband worked with was horrible, and he was constantly fighting with him. I had gained weight, and was feeling the stress of being the main bread winner for our family, as my husband decided to quit ministry. Also at that time, I ended up getting sick and had to have surgery. I can see how it happened. I wasn't being the best wife. Our sex life wasn't great, we were both depressed. I was sick. We were leaving the church and people we loved. Disappointing so many people. It was a very dark time. My friend was separating from her hu sband, and we were trying to help her as much as we could. Offering to have her stay in our home if she needed a place to go, we hired her to clean our house and over paid her. And we would go regularly to the restaurant she worked at to support her and we would leave her large tips. Looking back, I feel so dumb. I knew that he texted her, but she was our good friend. I warned him about her, and even asked him if there was anything going on. He brushed me off and told me I was paranoid. I wanted to trust him. I loved him. I was his biggest defender, and supporter. So chose I believed him. I was wrong.
This is where I struggle, and wonder if anyone else struggles the same way, and if there is any advice.
When I think about what happened it overwhelms me. It disgusts me. The horrible betrayal of my husband and my friend. I never confronted her, I just texted her and said "I know, please don't ever contact us again". One of the hardest things is that my husband is not the man I thought he was. I can't stop picturing them together. I feel like she stole my intimacy with my husband. We now have an amazing sex life, but every time, and I mean every time I fight my mind, images flashing through my mind of them together, thoughts of did he kiss her like this, does he think of her ( which he assures me he doesn't) It is torture. And I have good days, and bad days, but my bad days are horrible, it's like a battle in my head. I don't want to think about it, picture it. But it's like I can't control it. Sometimes I just look at him, and think this is my husband, this is the kind of man I have despised. He pretended to be something he wasn't, lied to me, his wife who was sick, cheated with my friend, used the money I was making to pay his girlfriend to clean our house, and do "other things" and left her huge tips. Even took me to her restaurant. He betrayed our faith, and our God, and the people of our church who he promised to love and serve. There are days that that is all I think about when I look at him. It's hard to talk to him about it, some of these things I would never tell him. He is so remorseful, and cries. Can't believing what he did. I truly believe in grace and forgiveness. I believe in redemption, and that God can and is honestly changing him. I see it. Our lives are in a much better place now. We are both healthy, I have lost weight, our sex life is better, and finances are better. We are communicating better than ever. And I feel closer to him than ever. Almost like a whole new life. But it's still so hard. No one knows, and I can't imagine it ever becoming public. He has not, and is not going back into pastoring. But not only would I have to deal with all of the judgement from people who found out, but it would hurt so many people. But sometimes I feel like we are lying to our friends. I feel crazy sometimes. It doesn't make much sense.
If you've taken the time to read this, thank you. This is the first time I've written it all down. If you have advice to help me I would appreciate hearing from you.
About a year ago my husband of 16 years came home from work and told me he needed to tell me something, I knew something had been bothering him, so I hugged him, and we sat down and he told me that my suspicions I had 2 years earlier about he and one of my friends were right. He had had an affair. They never had intercourse, but just about everything else. It lasted 2 months, and he ended it. I felt like someone punched me in the stomach, my mouth went dry. I was so confused, I wanted to hit him one second and then all I wanted was for him to hold me the next. I just wanted to die. But I still loved him, I still wanted to be married. I knew instantly I wanted to forgive him. Although I didn't tell him that for a few days. The days following are a bit of a blur, I wondered if there would ever be a day when I wouldn't get up every morning to brush my teeth and collapse on the floor and cry for an hour. My whole world shattered. I told only my two best friends, who I kn ow I wouldn't have been able to get out of bed without.
So it's been a year since he revealed the affair, and 2 & 1/2 since the affair ended. I have forgiven him, and I love him. And I believe that he is truly sorry, and I believe that he is changing. I have scrutinized our marriage before the affair. It was an awful time in our lives. You see my husband was a pastor at that time, and the last 3 years in ministry were horrible. Full of stress, and feelings of failure. The other pastor my husband worked with was horrible, and he was constantly fighting with him. I had gained weight, and was feeling the stress of being the main bread winner for our family, as my husband decided to quit ministry. Also at that time, I ended up getting sick and had to have surgery. I can see how it happened. I wasn't being the best wife. Our sex life wasn't great, we were both depressed. I was sick. We were leaving the church and people we loved. Disappointing so many people. It was a very dark time. My friend was separating from her hu sband, and we were trying to help her as much as we could. Offering to have her stay in our home if she needed a place to go, we hired her to clean our house and over paid her. And we would go regularly to the restaurant she worked at to support her and we would leave her large tips. Looking back, I feel so dumb. I knew that he texted her, but she was our good friend. I warned him about her, and even asked him if there was anything going on. He brushed me off and told me I was paranoid. I wanted to trust him. I loved him. I was his biggest defender, and supporter. So chose I believed him. I was wrong.
This is where I struggle, and wonder if anyone else struggles the same way, and if there is any advice.
When I think about what happened it overwhelms me. It disgusts me. The horrible betrayal of my husband and my friend. I never confronted her, I just texted her and said "I know, please don't ever contact us again". One of the hardest things is that my husband is not the man I thought he was. I can't stop picturing them together. I feel like she stole my intimacy with my husband. We now have an amazing sex life, but every time, and I mean every time I fight my mind, images flashing through my mind of them together, thoughts of did he kiss her like this, does he think of her ( which he assures me he doesn't) It is torture. And I have good days, and bad days, but my bad days are horrible, it's like a battle in my head. I don't want to think about it, picture it. But it's like I can't control it. Sometimes I just look at him, and think this is my husband, this is the kind of man I have despised. He pretended to be something he wasn't, lied to me, his wife who was sick, cheated with my friend, used the money I was making to pay his girlfriend to clean our house, and do "other things" and left her huge tips. Even took me to her restaurant. He betrayed our faith, and our God, and the people of our church who he promised to love and serve. There are days that that is all I think about when I look at him. It's hard to talk to him about it, some of these things I would never tell him. He is so remorseful, and cries. Can't believing what he did. I truly believe in grace and forgiveness. I believe in redemption, and that God can and is honestly changing him. I see it. Our lives are in a much better place now. We are both healthy, I have lost weight, our sex life is better, and finances are better. We are communicating better than ever. And I feel closer to him than ever. Almost like a whole new life. But it's still so hard. No one knows, and I can't imagine it ever becoming public. He has not, and is not going back into pastoring. But not only would I have to deal with all of the judgement from people who found out, but it would hurt so many people. But sometimes I feel like we are lying to our friends. I feel crazy sometimes. It doesn't make much sense.
If you've taken the time to read this, thank you. This is the first time I've written it all down. If you have advice to help me I would appreciate hearing from you.
Put the internet to work for you.
No comments:
Post a Comment