Hi everyone. This is my first time visiting these forums (read some great threads today). It's also my first time ever talking about these issues. With anyone. So I really appreciate any advice/feedback you can give. Also, be blunt, I have thick skin. I'm going to have a hard time organizing this, so please bear with me.
My husband and I married 2 years ago. This new years eve we'll have been together 4 years. Our marriage is pretty strong, but recently I've been plagued with doubts & unresolved issues.
I've dated quite a few people, and after breakups (especially if I was the one to get dumped) I always got quite depressed and missed them terribly, had obsessive thoughts about them. But they always went away, until now.
Before my husband, my most significant relationship was with the guy I met in college. We dated for the last 2 years of school, but then we both moved apart to different cities. We tried the long distance thing, and there were some great moments, but it was rough. Eventually he found a new partner, strung us both along together for a while before dumping me. Him and that partner are now engaged.
On the night we officially called it off I ended the conversation saying "I wish that one day we'd get another chance to make it work, both living in the same city." He said something non-committal, trying to be "nice" (that was always his problem, trying to be "nice" which really just made it harder). I was inconsolably devastated.
Two weeks later I met my current husband. I was really apprehensive about dating again after having so recently gotten out of a long relationship, but it was going really well, so I decided to not think about it too hard. After 9 months we moved in together. After a year and a half we got married. It's now 2 years after that.
For the first year of so after the breakup, I couldn't stop thinking about my ex. But I was falling in love with my husband. Eventually the obsessive thoughts faded, mostly. I still think about my ex and miss him sometimes. I hate to say it, but I still consider him probably the most attractive man I've ever seen. I really thought he'd be the one I'd marry.
I don't keep in touch with my ex at all. I hid him on Facebook so I wouldn't see his posts. But a year ago he messaged me and said he'd be in town, and he'd love to see me and we should get dinner. Of course tremendous emotions all flared up, but I'm an adult right? I needed to move on. So we agreed, and got dinner, and it was fine. He even used my name once when he really meant his partner. I felt sickeningly proud. He didn't even know he did it.
Another year since that, and he's back in town, and wants me and my husband to hang out with him and his partner for a night out. When he messaged me this time I had all the usual flare-ups of apprehension, anger, regret, and sadness. But I've agreed, and we're going to hang out tomorrow. Because it's something that makes me afraid, I should do it, right? Ignoring this problem isn't going to make it go away; it hasn't so far. But seeing him last year seems like it didn't help.
I guess I should point out some of my flaws. I'm tremendously good at self-deception. I also carry grudges fiercely. Not that I have many them. The other big one is one kid from middle school. He used to harass me for being overweight every single day. Still, whenever I hear his name, I get filled with rage.
I realize that this is focusing a lot on my ex, and not my husband. And I'm not sure why that is. My husband and I love each other, have a lot in common, and our disagreements are rare, and only about minor things.
I've never been one to talk about myself, and I've never had any therapy. Any advice, or questions you could ask, would help. I just want to move on from my ex, forgive and forget, and move on with my marriage.
Thank you so much!
My husband and I married 2 years ago. This new years eve we'll have been together 4 years. Our marriage is pretty strong, but recently I've been plagued with doubts & unresolved issues.
I've dated quite a few people, and after breakups (especially if I was the one to get dumped) I always got quite depressed and missed them terribly, had obsessive thoughts about them. But they always went away, until now.
Before my husband, my most significant relationship was with the guy I met in college. We dated for the last 2 years of school, but then we both moved apart to different cities. We tried the long distance thing, and there were some great moments, but it was rough. Eventually he found a new partner, strung us both along together for a while before dumping me. Him and that partner are now engaged.
On the night we officially called it off I ended the conversation saying "I wish that one day we'd get another chance to make it work, both living in the same city." He said something non-committal, trying to be "nice" (that was always his problem, trying to be "nice" which really just made it harder). I was inconsolably devastated.
Two weeks later I met my current husband. I was really apprehensive about dating again after having so recently gotten out of a long relationship, but it was going really well, so I decided to not think about it too hard. After 9 months we moved in together. After a year and a half we got married. It's now 2 years after that.
For the first year of so after the breakup, I couldn't stop thinking about my ex. But I was falling in love with my husband. Eventually the obsessive thoughts faded, mostly. I still think about my ex and miss him sometimes. I hate to say it, but I still consider him probably the most attractive man I've ever seen. I really thought he'd be the one I'd marry.
I don't keep in touch with my ex at all. I hid him on Facebook so I wouldn't see his posts. But a year ago he messaged me and said he'd be in town, and he'd love to see me and we should get dinner. Of course tremendous emotions all flared up, but I'm an adult right? I needed to move on. So we agreed, and got dinner, and it was fine. He even used my name once when he really meant his partner. I felt sickeningly proud. He didn't even know he did it.
Another year since that, and he's back in town, and wants me and my husband to hang out with him and his partner for a night out. When he messaged me this time I had all the usual flare-ups of apprehension, anger, regret, and sadness. But I've agreed, and we're going to hang out tomorrow. Because it's something that makes me afraid, I should do it, right? Ignoring this problem isn't going to make it go away; it hasn't so far. But seeing him last year seems like it didn't help.
I guess I should point out some of my flaws. I'm tremendously good at self-deception. I also carry grudges fiercely. Not that I have many them. The other big one is one kid from middle school. He used to harass me for being overweight every single day. Still, whenever I hear his name, I get filled with rage.
I realize that this is focusing a lot on my ex, and not my husband. And I'm not sure why that is. My husband and I love each other, have a lot in common, and our disagreements are rare, and only about minor things.
I've never been one to talk about myself, and I've never had any therapy. Any advice, or questions you could ask, would help. I just want to move on from my ex, forgive and forget, and move on with my marriage.
Thank you so much!
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