Divorce? How much do we take before we say "enough!"

After reading through posts the last year and considering my own inner conflicts with my marriage I decided to post my story. To be honest, I don't even know where to start! First, my husband and I have known each other since we were both 14. We started dating at 17 and married after I graduated University and started my career at 24. 12 years later, we have 4 beautiful children, now 4, 5, 7 and 9. This is what makes the decision to leave very difficult, plus I still find myself in love with him. My children are my life. My husband started his own company at the age of 19 and I was his main cheerleader (along with his mother... yes, he is a major mommy's boy who was doted on left right and centre. He remained at home until the age of 26 when he and I married. I, on the other hand, am much more independent and have lived "on my own" since I was 19 and going to University. I would describe my husband as self-centred, uncaring toward me and self absorbed. Throughout his life at home he did not lift a finger and had everything done for him. Later, his mother became the office manager of his quickly growing Landscaping company and meddled in our marriage whenever she could. I would bring this to his attention and was told repeatedly to "get over it!". Literally... should have been my first cue, but "I love him". We bought our first home after we married, and yes, his mom would sneak over and do his laundry (I refused to use bleach, she is a bleach queen... she came over to bleach his clothes). Anyway, over the years he finally realized the damage she was doing to our marriage and he rehired the position . (I am omitting a lot of "stories" here....) Anyway, the point is that over 20 years together, my husband is never at home (no, not cheating... working), treats me like I am invisible, comes and goes as he pleases because he has to work, does not ask me out on dates or to go anywhere, constantly on the phone and throws insulting put downs when I try to communicate my feelings. I work full time, I rush home to meet my 4 children off the bus (we do have a live in caregiver, but it is important to me to meet my children off the bus as much as possible), make supper, and spend the rest of my night with my 4 children. I make my husband supper, launder his clothes and do just about everything where the kids are concerned. Usually, my husband arrives home at or just after supper (I add an hour to the time he tells me he will be home after I call him to see when he will be home), hardly cleans up after supper and has a very different approach of helping to put the children to bed than I do (ie. he does not read them stories, but rather puts them in bed as fast as possible and goes to bed himself because he is up at about 5:00 a.m.). I stayed home for 5 years after our second child and, on returning to work, did not even receive flowers or a dinner out. When I told him that it hurt he did not acknowledge the work I put in to our family for 5 years and the sacrifice I made, I was told, "You were the one who wanted to stay home.". Last March, he told me he was not sure he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I called a counsellor and we spent the last year in counselling. He stated he loved me, but he loves his job. He knows he takes me for granted and should show more appreciation. He was told to read a book, "Hold me Tight" which I finished in a week and well, he has not past page 5 today, even though I have told him umpteen times it is important to me that he reads the book. I was then told, "I tried. It is a hard read." He says he does not want a divorce, that he loves me. I am lost, I am in love with my husband, I am not in love with the way he treats me... does this make any sense? I am tired of not being valued. I feel worthless, alone and hopeless. He is not going to change. He puts everything before myself and our 4 precious kids. I want a divorce and told him this today. My fears: money (I make a great salary on my own and am very strong, but I worry about not being able to afford the life our children currently enjoy), hurting my children and well, feeling worthless the rest of my life. I know this is rattling on and I probably have not clearly made any point... there is simply so much .... Trying to be positive and stay positive. Positive approach..

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