Why Your 180 Isn't Working!

I've noticed a disturbing trend with the spouses in the 'Going through Divorce' thread in that just about every single one of them (myself included in the past) will start the 180 with the motivation to reconcile, but somewhere along the line they lose motivation. He/She will kick themselves for making even the slightest mistake that pushes their wayward spouse away and then weeks or months later give up and retreat in defeat logging off of TAM for a while to lick their wounds. Something has to change and I think I have a few ideas.

I stayed up late last night reading two books on motivation, science wise not motivational "go get it!" books. Somewhere along the line something clicked and it's not what you might think. We all have motivations to seek pleasure and avoid pain, but there's a third motivation....... the need to autonomous and enjoy what you're doing. But punishing yourself for breaking the long 34+ list of don'ts and focusing on a huge reward, reconciliation for example, can ruin motivation for positive self change alltogether.

If you were paid to do post here and every detail of what you wrote was critiqued down to the last detail, you wouldn't want to post here very often if you got bad reviews. The same goes for the 180...... if you're punishing yourself for still loving them and beating yourself up for arguments that push them away (which btw happen), you're less likely to want to keep going.

I still don't have everything worked out in full but I do have a few ideas that will help you on here who are struggling. I know you separated, betrayed, and near divorce newbies still want to call your wayward spouses often and give gifts. And there's nothing wrong with wanting to do this....... but the intrinsic reward you receive, the good feelings for being a loving spouse does not last long when you're goal is to get something in return.

So you're likely to get a big dopamine high from say a phone call where you have fun talking together, and then a big crash from no contact over time resulting in a less motivation to be positive when talking to them. So what happens a lot of times after this is you up the dose and become addicted to those short term goals with no real long-term end in mind, like giving gifts every week to persuade your spouse to call or calling them to hear their voice. When you make the 180 a stressful job, you might as well quit while you have your sanity.

Here's the big idea I came up with....And I'll make it short and sweet, Nweet!
The goal of the 180 should be to give your spouse the best marriage, the best separation, or the best divorce you know you can.

This not only eases a lot of the depression because you stop feeling guilty about not having things your way, but you also have an easier time getting along for the sake of your goal - giving them exactly what they asked for and feeling good about it. The most loving thing I ever gave my wife was the divorce she wanted to be with another man. After a year of fighting it and stressing us both out, making the decision to give her what she wanted made me feel great and we were closer than ever during that time.

And a lot of what I found in marriage counselling books and on here shocked me with similar findings and stories. When the betrayed and left behind spouses gave up on reconciliation efforts early and focused on having fun, they stop needing their spouses to validate them, and took a lot of the fun out their spouses affairs or cake eating attempts. And when that happened the spouse started taking interest in them again.

So focusing on reconciliation can keep you from actually reconciling. If you remember from before when I talked about large pay-offs not motivating, when their promised before the task that is. With no goal of winning your spouse back waving in front of your face to keep you from enjoying the changes you make, because you're having fun being here and learning new things about yourself, you're more likely to make the necessary changes that result in reconciliation faster than you would after divorce when you make these changes later on.

The 180 should be fun because you enjoy doing it for you! Don't stress over reconciliation unless you want to make your reconciliation stressful.