Hello all, sorry to be here, but glad I found a support community.
The history:
Three months ago, I found out my wife was carrying on some type of emotional affair with someone from a bar we used to frequent. I found a few text messages on her phone that she subsequently deleted and then saw a few more after I started occasionally checking her phone. She "disguised" the contact name on her phone using a woman's name, so I know that she knew what she was doing crossed the line.
The texts were never sexual, but did cross the line and this other guy really started to lay on the charm. What finally made the situation blow up was a text my wife sent while drunk (I was in bed) to this person, inviting them to come stay at our house when I was out of town visiting family. After going out of with disbelief for a day, I confronted her with what I had seen. At first, she tried to deny it, but when I start reciting the texts, word for word, she broke and and admitted that she had been engaging in some "inappropriate flirting", but that it had not gotten physical.
I told her that she needed to break things off immediately and not talk to or see this person again. These were my terms if we had a chance of moving past this. She agreed and a few days later, confirmed that she had broken things off. Or so I thought.
Fast forward a month, and I see another middle of the night, drunk message from her to this person wanting to get a hold of them. I came home in a rage to confront her only for her to tell me that the person had friended her on Facebook and that she wanted to get them to unfriend so that it wouldn't seem inappropriate. I point out that she still had this person's contact number in her phone, which she blew off as just forgetting to delete it. She then turned the tables on me saying I was blowing this out of proportion, basically trying to turn the tables on me. Since I did want to stay together, I gave ground, apologized for being so upset and we started to reconcile once more.
Well, she now has a new string of text messages with another contact and phone number that I believe is still the same person. This person says that they love my wife, that she is their heart and that they hope to be hers one day as well. Additionally, I know that they have met at LEAST three times in person and once my wife left the house (again drunk) and spent the night at this person's house.
The part I play in this whole drama is a husband whole is not always emotionally available, can be closed off when it comes to my feelings and is battling a problem with alcohol. I'm currently working through a recovery program to alcohol and considering counseling for my other issues. I admit that I am not blameless in the sequence of events that has brought us to this point, but I made it explicitly clear many times before we were married and after that a fundamentally deal breaker for our marriage would be infidelity from either one of us. At the time I was thinking of the physical aspect, but now I'm confronted with an emotional affair that completely baffles me.
I do love my wife. I do want to stay together and have us both work on our issues so that we can have a successful life long marriage, but I'm at a loss now as how to proceed. My wife is not ending the affair on her own and I don't know how to confront her without it bringing up that I'm still peeking at her conversations. I feel like that situation would put the both of us in a position of no trust in each other. I've thought about trying to get some hard proof that didn't involve messages from her phone, but I still can't imaging playing private investigator and having the situation work out.
Additionally, I'm afraid of what happens after I confront her. Will she continue to deny it, even though I know the truth? Will she admit it and say she can't stop? Will she promise to break off the relationship once and far all?
Will I ever be able to trust her again? This is what is paining me most of all. If you got all the way down here, I'm not sure what question I'm really asking. It feels good and terrible to actually type all this out and know I am meeting up with my wife in 30 minutes to go back to our home and prepare for a family Thanksgiving.
What the hell do I do now?
The history:
Three months ago, I found out my wife was carrying on some type of emotional affair with someone from a bar we used to frequent. I found a few text messages on her phone that she subsequently deleted and then saw a few more after I started occasionally checking her phone. She "disguised" the contact name on her phone using a woman's name, so I know that she knew what she was doing crossed the line.
The texts were never sexual, but did cross the line and this other guy really started to lay on the charm. What finally made the situation blow up was a text my wife sent while drunk (I was in bed) to this person, inviting them to come stay at our house when I was out of town visiting family. After going out of with disbelief for a day, I confronted her with what I had seen. At first, she tried to deny it, but when I start reciting the texts, word for word, she broke and and admitted that she had been engaging in some "inappropriate flirting", but that it had not gotten physical.
I told her that she needed to break things off immediately and not talk to or see this person again. These were my terms if we had a chance of moving past this. She agreed and a few days later, confirmed that she had broken things off. Or so I thought.
Fast forward a month, and I see another middle of the night, drunk message from her to this person wanting to get a hold of them. I came home in a rage to confront her only for her to tell me that the person had friended her on Facebook and that she wanted to get them to unfriend so that it wouldn't seem inappropriate. I point out that she still had this person's contact number in her phone, which she blew off as just forgetting to delete it. She then turned the tables on me saying I was blowing this out of proportion, basically trying to turn the tables on me. Since I did want to stay together, I gave ground, apologized for being so upset and we started to reconcile once more.
Well, she now has a new string of text messages with another contact and phone number that I believe is still the same person. This person says that they love my wife, that she is their heart and that they hope to be hers one day as well. Additionally, I know that they have met at LEAST three times in person and once my wife left the house (again drunk) and spent the night at this person's house.
The part I play in this whole drama is a husband whole is not always emotionally available, can be closed off when it comes to my feelings and is battling a problem with alcohol. I'm currently working through a recovery program to alcohol and considering counseling for my other issues. I admit that I am not blameless in the sequence of events that has brought us to this point, but I made it explicitly clear many times before we were married and after that a fundamentally deal breaker for our marriage would be infidelity from either one of us. At the time I was thinking of the physical aspect, but now I'm confronted with an emotional affair that completely baffles me.
I do love my wife. I do want to stay together and have us both work on our issues so that we can have a successful life long marriage, but I'm at a loss now as how to proceed. My wife is not ending the affair on her own and I don't know how to confront her without it bringing up that I'm still peeking at her conversations. I feel like that situation would put the both of us in a position of no trust in each other. I've thought about trying to get some hard proof that didn't involve messages from her phone, but I still can't imaging playing private investigator and having the situation work out.
Additionally, I'm afraid of what happens after I confront her. Will she continue to deny it, even though I know the truth? Will she admit it and say she can't stop? Will she promise to break off the relationship once and far all?
Will I ever be able to trust her again? This is what is paining me most of all. If you got all the way down here, I'm not sure what question I'm really asking. It feels good and terrible to actually type all this out and know I am meeting up with my wife in 30 minutes to go back to our home and prepare for a family Thanksgiving.
What the hell do I do now?
HOW DR. UNEME brought back my ex lover unemespellben@gmail.com
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