What is she thinking?

O.K. people here is the long and the short of it. We are all going through some form of separation or divorce, but my question is to the ladies.

About a month ago the wife broke down crying stating that she in essence wanted out of out marriage of two years. I did and said what I could to change her mind, but in the end her feelings were unchanged. O.K.

We had to stay in the same house until tax time and then I would move out. Great. We don;t hate each other so we agreed to stay as friendly as possible, for the sake of the children and because we work together. Fine.

Mentally I have moved on, I'm looking and places to live and have decided that I will not enter into another long term relationship for a very long time, if ever, it's just too much work and drama.

Ok, here's the confusing part. I give her money to get her hair done, and though it looked nice, and I said as much. She felt my response to her new hair style was a bit lack luster, and when she talk about it, it seemed like she did not understand that I could care less about her hair style since it wasn't "For" me and since we don't have sex or touch beyond an occasional hug, what was I suppose to do?

My question is? is she delusional enough to think that after telling me she wants a divorce, because I did and didn't do "A,B,C, and 123", that I would still try to get her back and save the marriage?

I mean we even had a discussion about how we are free to have sex with other people now, even though we are still married. I s it me or is she missing that fact that I DON'T KNOW WHERE SHE SLEEPS AT NIGHT, and she has not bothered to tell me.

So for all I know she could be leaving me at home with our four kids at night and climbing in the bed with another man. But I'm wrong for not raving over her new hair style.

So please help me? am I the ******* here?

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Is it common for a wife to refuse to be naked during sex and why are women insecure?

First off how common is it for a wife to refuse to be naked during sex with her husband?Wife doesn't always like to completely naked during sex.....And where do women's insecurities come from?Why would you still be insecure even with a man that you're married to?

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Update - my wife is doing what must be done, finally!!!!

It took my wife nearly 14 years of marriage to get it.

She admitted to me today, the main reason she has a low sex drive and doesn't want sex, is because of her size, making her insecure and not feel sexy. So all the e book reading and doing the MAPP, 180, etc. I've done didn't do much because she is insecure due to her size!!!

So for the last 2 months, she has lost 10 lbs already. I even am noticing how her large clothes are starting to fall down and are fitting loosely.....

I've told her, she looks hot and wow, what a difference. My wife then tells me, she is just starting with the weight loss and this gets even better.....come New Years, January, she is going back to the gym!!!!

I am so happy, I'm really beyond words right now. I said, we should do the love language quiz and she actually agreed, so in a short while, we will do the quiz and compare our love languages.

The trick for her to lose 10 lbs in 2 months, was finding out how many calories she needs to lose, maintain and gain weight. Now that she knows, she eats around 1400 calories a day, spread out and she looses 1 - 2 lbs per week. She isn't starving hungry and she loves the results she's getting. She has a slower metabolism.

If I imagine one year from now, she could be 50 - 60 lbs lighter. I would have a heart attack.:D:D:D I am already telling her she is my sexy mama.

Things are definitely looking up, finally.:smthumbup::smthumbup:

Will keep everyone updated.

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How to separate when one partner has nowhere to go

Ok so things aren't great and I need some opinions. H is from the US, so he has NO ONR here in Canada but my family. We own a house with my sister so for me to leave it would be awkward for her (she lives in the basement Aprtment) I feel like I need some time from my H. He treats me like his Dad has always treated him. Tonight he came up at around 8pm and started yelling at me about not having my hair done. I took a shower am hour earlier and was just laying on my bed on YouTube. I lost track of time as we were supposed to be going out to the movies tonight. So he comes up and tells me to get my head out of my ass. I lose my ****. I told him he doesn't need to talk to me like I am a piece of **** and needs to apologize. We keep arguing and he goes on to say he sees how my sister and I didn't have men before (my sister is single) because no one can get along with us. Now I am very easy to get along with, H is the only person who pushes my buttons and makes me so mad. I tell him to go to the movies by himself, put a shirt on and out the door I go. I am not sitting in my car at the beach (yes it's dark and cold as hell in Canada) but I don't know what else to do. I hate hate hate being talked to like crap. H says my Daddy let us so whatever we want and that's why I have such an issue with things. This comes from the guy who was talked to like **** thru his teenage years from his Dad. Whom his family believes was abusive to him and his brother. So I come downstairs, punch the wall, slam a few doors and once again, here I am in my car. He has called my cell at least 20 times. The ignore button it is. All I wanted was for H to say sorry for saying what he said to me. He also said I am the reason he acts the way he does and he yells. Bull****! Your father is the reason you yell because he does! What should I do now?

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Trust Issues or Gut Feelings

Been a long time since I've been here.

Trust issues. Is it just me or do those of you who were cheated on have trouble trusting the opposite sex now?

I can't tell the difference between gut feelings and inability to trust.

The first girl I dated was totally cheating on me. Right after the ex did. Damn did that hurt. I'm completely fine now and can handle whatever but I've been with someone for a long time and its hard to trust that she's not hiding things from me. No reason for the details, just generally wondering if others still go with gut feelings (that I learned were right) or if you hedge them b/c of the chip we all have on our shoulders now.

You all are amazing, so glad to be posting in this section.

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Odds Favor White Men, Asian Women On Dating App

Odds Favor White Men, Asian Women On Dating App : Code Switch : NPR

I don't see this in my life. I live in a big city and everyone seems to date everyone and I've never seen these preferences but apparently they exist? Have you encountered these preferences?

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Affair, Recovery, Separation

Hi All,
First post...it may be a bit long...but I will give the condensed version.

I'm the WH. been with my wife since high school, which has been 25 years. I'm also a recovering addict. Had 23 years clean, relapsed for 5 years and now have almost 10 months clean.

Just about 2 years ago, a PA was initiated and I participated. I was also using at the time...not that using made me cheat. I used drugs to assist in covering my guilt along with using to escape life in general. The affair lasted 14 months

DDay was Jan 2013. I disclosed everything. I had been having an affair with her friend.
I moved out for 6 weeks and began a relentless journey of recovery. I started going to NA meetings, stopped using, went to a affair recovery workshop, went to an intensive MC weekend session, have been doing MC weekly and IC weekly. Started going back to church also.

I was willing to gut myself, give full access to everything, total transparency. So transparent that I would also talk about how hard it was for me to "get over" my AP. I begged God, cried daily , willing to do ANYTHING to get the obsession of my AP to leave me. for 9 months I continued doing all the therapy, meetings, books, workbooks...anything that was suggested, I would do. I was an absolute open book and I was totally ok with it. It was actually a relief...I had nothing to hide anymore.

My biggest problem was getting over the AP. I would have very small glimpses of hope that the obsession was fading, but in the last 3 months, it all came back very strong. And I was TOTALLY NC the entire time. I did pass her in the car on 3 occasions and my world fell apart each time. I would take me like 3 days to pull it together.
I would not always outwardly display my mental torture, but my wife would sense I was preoccupied. and I was REALLY REALLY trying so hard every day to focus on my wife and our marriage but was so consumed with AP obsession.
I do have a history of OCD, so one part of me was not surprised, but I was living in a daily hell.

Well come around to about 1.5 months ago. In MC I brought up something regarding my thoughts to do with the AP. It all broke loose and my wife asked me to leave. To basically figure IT out on my own.
I didnt freak out on her and I never did over the 9 months...I did whatever she requested.

Well I moved out...to my brothers basement...and my obsession came along with me. Feeling I had no options left on how to deal with my AP obsession, I took the only action I felt I had and through a series of attempts, I contacted her.
I was also reeling with a ton of emotions from anger to hurt to rejection to telling my wife I'm thinking about divorce. I have been a mixed up mess throughout this process of recovery.

Through my AP contact, I told her exactly what I have dealt with, how I THINK I feel about her and what the reality of this relationship is. I expressed that I am not looking to get into anything...the only thing I knew was I needed to spill my emotional guts and leave it at that.
I did not have sex with her and I was not planning on it. All I wanted was relief and release from my 24x7 obsession.

We talked frequently over the next few weeks as my obsessive thoughts would have peaks and valleys and I was hoping to see this relationship die a natural death. That my obsessive brain can now see that this relationship is not practical, there is no real love and going this route will never ever fix the stuff inside of me.

I feel like I got that relief. I went NC over a week ago and I feel like I can put the tools of recovery to work without being obsessed over her.

My wife knows I had contact with the AP.

Now I feel like we are in a holding pattern for a while before my wife will make a move. In fact I feel like she is doing the 180 to me. Which is fine. I am, for the first time, really trying to EMPATHIZE with her...and I dont think I had a real opportunity to do that because I was so balls out about my drug recovery and marriage recovery. I felt like I didnt breath for 9 months.

I sent my wife an email this morning telling her that I am sorry I have not empathized with her and that my addiction behaviors for a lot of our marriage has done a lot of damage. Even though I was clean for 23 years, i just didnt use, I never went to meetings. This is the first time in my life that I am actually doing a 12 step program relentlessly.

I love my wife, we have history, we have memories, we have gone through SO much together and she knows me inside and out. I want this to work...I actually really want this to work. And I'm sick to my gut thinking that she is slowly slipping away from me. I dont want to chase after her because I'm afraid I would be manipulating her to a place she is not ready for. I really want this to be in her timing and timing that is good for reconciling.

Thats the short version...please dont rail me...I already walk around in a world of shame and guilt all over again.
saaben900

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help she thinks i cheated but i didn't

hello id really really like some advice. let me start by giving some background into this thing. I work for a mobile marketing company that has me traveling around the united states for as little as 3 days at a time to as long as 7 months. on my last tour which lasted 2.5 months I drove a highly visable and recognizeable 18 wheeler to different events around the country. I had 3 co workers with me of which only 1 of them is married and he is a very well known cheater. so during this tour naturally you put a bunch of mid 20s guys together there is going to be a lot of partying drinking and the sort. the money isn't the greatest but it pays the bills and most everyday I have people tell me how lucky I am to have the job I have and how do they get a job like mine. after all who doesn't want to get free tickets to major sporting events concerts clubs etc etc. well today my wife sends me a text while shes at work saying basically I know you cheated on me last time you were on the road don't try and deny it its in black and white in your phones text messages. heres the kicker yeah I texted those guys talking it all up blah blah blah I did this last night with so and so or whatever. truth be told is I didn't I never took her back to my hotel I never went to her house. yeah I may have talked to girls on the road and flirted a little bit but as far as kissing holding hands touching having sex that never happened. that was just guy talk. I can guarantee 90% of the "sex" that the guys claim to get on the road never happened. for 2 reasons 1 is in my line of work there are 1000 other people waiting and willing to take your job and don't care what they have to do to get it so you have to be careful what you do on the road and 2 because today I may be in vegas and tomorrow I can be in los angeles and at 2 in the morning knowing we are rolling out at 7 it just doesn't make sense that all the pieces will fall into place between the time we all go back to the hotel and the time we all meet back up for breakfast in the morning. so back to the point how can I convince her that I didn't do anything inappropriate and that it was just guy talk.

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"Simple" question

I feel that my husband doesn't fill any of my expectations and he feels the same way.
What's to do?

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I messed up royally....

I've been posting here saying that I'm over him and doing well. I discovered that I've actually been self-medicating for the past 3 years so I never dealt with my true feelings. I'm clean now so all the crap is coming back, on top of which I work with him.

I had a freak-out the other day. I discovered that his girlfriend works out right across the street from the new store I am opening. I asked the ex to tell her to go somewhere else because I can't handle seeing her. Especially since she is driving what used to be my mom's car (our company bought it and he allows her to use it. That's a whole other issue.) I hope she honours my wish. I truly don't know what I would do if I saw her. On top of that, my ex is telling me that he's not happy. He said it would make him happy to see me happy. How messed up is that?!?! I know it's totally dysfunctional and probably co-dependant. But I still love him. HELP!! I have to figure out how not to love him.

So here I am, at square one even though it's been 3 years. A piece of advice, DON"T self-medicate. The only way to deal with your emotions is to deal with them head on. The self-medicating snuck up on me because I suffer from chronic pain. Thankfully I've been able to reduce my consumption of the pills. But I am struggling with the hurt and pain that is coming up.

I am so grateful for this website because I know it will get me through this next step in letting go.

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Sepatated but still living together??

My wife and I are now not being physical anymore. She told me two weeks ago that she thinks she wants to separate, but neither of us need to be moving out anytime soon.

She currently has no job and is a stay at home mother for our 2 young children. So she wants time to get a job and save money to move out.

She says I haven't showed her enough affection over the course of the 5 years that we have been married, and she thinks she wants something else. She has mentioned to me before while already arguing that I don't show enough affection and she doesn't feel like I have fer back on things. She hates a few members of my family and basically wants me to hate them to, and is upset that I don't. She thinks i'm not in tune with my emotions and don't care about anything. She is a very emotional person. Kinda runs her life on emotion.

I am pretty upset about this and she knows it. We have been talking about what to do from here, but she wants to wait until summer to sell the house and go our separate ways. In the mean time its just awkward now. We sleep in the same bed act the same, just don't have sex, kiss or anything now, and its hard.

We talked the other day and she seemed sorta unsure she actually wanted to go through with it all.

Basically, I just dont know what to do now. Do I go stay with my parents during the week and she goes to hers on the weekends? Do I try to show her more affection and attention eventhough we are in this limbo phase now. Confused...

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For those of you w depression

Do you ever wonder if not only is your depression causing problems with your marriage, but your marriage is causing you to be depressed?

I've been suffering from severe anxiety and depression for about 9 months now due to what I thought was job stress and income issues (these are real), but as I ponder it, I believe that my depression is also due to the fact that my job was sort-of the 'last line' of mental health in a life that hasn't been so great in terms of my marriage. In other words, my self esteem was fine when my income was great; now that it's not, I think my mediocre marriage is front and center and it all looks bleak.

It's tough to untangle all of this, of course, but I was simply wondering if anyone else out there has similar complicated issues.....

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remarried and having problems with her ex

I'm paying this on my phone so please forgive the grammar and typos.
I posted on this website after my ex wife had an ea. I found out that it was more than an ea and we divorced.
Now fast forward to now.
I met this wonderful woman and we feel in love and married after meeting one year. We are having marriage problems because of her ex. Get ex cheated on her and they divorced 8 years ago. She dated and nothing went anywhere and she was in her early 30s and wanted a child. Yup, you guessed it, she reached out to her ex and they had a baby boy together. She named the baby after him and they went on their seperate lives. They never got back together. They text about their son only but I am struggling with this. Her ex hates that their son calls me my first name folded up with daddy. Xxxxxxdaddy he calls me. Her ex said that if this continues there is going to be huge problems. We have been married for 3 weeks and it eats me alive on how she had this baby and what is going on. I am hoping that someone will poor this into perspective for me because I was helped out so much with the problems I had with my ex. This forum gave me the strength to divorce her. Now I'm reaching out aga in. I feel like I am a mess.
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Forgiveness and letting things go

How do I do this? I'm a grudge holder and I'm tired of living this way. Tired of being angry. How can I change? I need serious help from those who have a lot of forgiveness in their hearts.

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New Friendship - On pause with feelings buildings HELP

I talked to a woman online last week. We have since everynight and established through hours of conversation we wanted to start as friends till we felt we could go further if possible. Will today a x boyfriend who has been horrible to her really knows how to push her buttons is trying to snake his way back in way in that she wants nothing to do with. As soon as he heard we were talkling it started anf today he turned on the charm. She has nothing but didain for him becuase he never treated her right. Will today she paused our friendship and daily conversations so she could get her head right while this issue resolves herself. Of course talking to someone everynight you develop a slow emotional connection. She says she does not want to end the friendship but needs to pause till the dust settles. i offered to always be a friend and continue to talk which she responded she wishes she had my stregth and would love for me to check in now and then. She does no t want to date anyone right now so that is why we were going to meet Sunday face to face for the frist time. We have Skyoed every night for 4 days but she admitted she has feelings for me but needs to be in the right place to capture a relationship and with this new drama its too much. She is telling the ex to go away and dont come over or she will have to call the cops because he has been harrasing her. I know this situation sounds bad. She is a teacher, student council adviser a great person raising her daughter on her own. :scratchhead:but just got wrapped up and burned by the wrong guy. So what do I do? 180? check in now and then?

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