I am a married man (almost 13 years now) and started working from home several years ago. My wife commutes about 30-45 minutes each way to an "office job" but it's also a flexible position and she is sometimes home after working 5-6 hours.
I'm not sure how to approach her about this, but I think it's a little unfair that I'm expected to do my regular 9-6 "paid" work but also handle most of the household responsibilities. She believes that I shouldn't have a problem doing this since I'm home almost every day, but it's a lot of pressure to be honest. There are some things that I do every day, like make the bed, clean up the kitchen, sweep/vacuum the main room, take out trash, etc. But today, for example, she came home and said "oh, I really hoped you would have moved that furniture in the bedroom for me". We are in the process of upgrading some furniture and last night she said she might want to rearrange a few things.
Don't get me wrong, I love my wife very much, but she's the type of person who will walk in the door and start looking for things that are "wrong" before she does anything else. I just feel like I'm having to split my days between doing housework and corporate work, and on days when I'm particularly busy w/ corporate work, I worry that she will get frustrated when she walks in the door. I don't want my wife to be stressed and moody every evening, it really ruins the atmosphere for all of us (myself + 2 kids, ages 12 and 8), but that's exactly what happens probably 3-4 days every week. She comes home in a terrible mood more often than not, yelling at everyone, being overly critical and making us all feel like we've done something terribly wrong. She also is very moody on the weekends and stays in our bedroom watching Netflix for the most part (and I don't DARE interrupt her while she's doing this… it doesn't matter if she decides to watch TV for 8 hours straight, she will get completely annoyed if anyone even walks into the room while she's watching her shows). Honestly the only time she's nice to me anymore is when she wants sex, which I rarely want anymore (not with her anyways… I know that sounds terrible, but it's true… I don't feel a strong connection with her anymore and can't really get in the mood when we're together).
I believe some of this has to do with the fact that she resents me for having to work at all (she mentions this at least once a week). She has a few friends with very wealthy/successful husbands who get to stay at home. Don't get me wrong, I'm making good money too (almost 6 figures) and still young (under 35), so I feel like I still have a lot of untapped potential. My wife works in education so she does get the summer months off, but that's just not enough for her. She wants me to make more money so I can let her stay at home year round. It all just seems like a waste to me… She took on MASSIVE amounts of student loans (which I feel like we will never pay off) to pursue her Master's degree in education, and now less than 5 years later, she decides she wants to retire. She also wants a new $60k swimming pool and a new $40k Toyota 4-Runner. I already work 60+ hour weeks now, so this means I would also have to work a night shift + weekends just to make ends meet. I would never see my wife or our kids, and I would only get 2-3 hours of sleep each night…. This just seems crazy and I don't feel like I should have to work that much, but at the same time, I feel incredibly guilty for "forcing" my wife to work when some of her friends don't have to.
I just don't think we could realistically make it on my income alone! She has a certain lifestyle that she wants to live, and although she won't admit it, she's all about "keeping up w/ the Joneses". So therefore she keeps overdrawing the account, spending whatever she wants without checking our finances first or mentioning it to me, and yet we're supposed to be saving for this swimming pool (which isn't happening). She jumped all over my case a few days ago because I spent $3-4 more on groceries because I didn't go to a 2nd store and buy a few of the items (for example, tomato sauce was 50 cents at one store but 79 cents at the store I was at, and I got lectured because I didn't drive to the cheaper store to buy the sauce)…. She says we should be "pinching pennies" so we can afford this pool… And then she goes and spends $50 on a manicure, and when I said something (HUGE mistake) and asked why she couldn't paint her own nails, she started yelling and crying and accusing me of being controlling and rude, and said sometimes I "forget she's a woman" and she "deserves it" because her job has been stressing her out so bad…. I just got my keys and left, and drove around for almost an hour because I was so upset by her hypocrisy.
I just don't know what to do about any of this. Her anger and resentment towards me grows with each passing day, and will continue to grow until I'm wealthy enough to fund her ideal lifestyle… and until that day, I will be "punished" and expected to do 90% of the housework and expected to deal with her terrible moods. I try bringing up the fact that my mother worked throughout her marriage (and still does), and her mother worked all throughout her marriage (and still does), and that most couples today BOTH have to work due to the overall cost of living (unless they're willing to cut some serious corners like moving to a less expensive home, selling a car, no eating out, no cable, etc).
Am I being a lazy jerk for not allowing my wife to stay at home, or is she just an unreasonable person? And how do I even begin to approach her about this? I don't want a divorce, honestly that's not even an option. I love my kiddos too much and wouldn't know what to do without them, plus I keep our home and our lives running smoothly… I'm very much needed around here! But that the same time, I feel completely trapped and upset by my wife's attitude, and I really don't know what to say or do anymore.
I'm not sure how to approach her about this, but I think it's a little unfair that I'm expected to do my regular 9-6 "paid" work but also handle most of the household responsibilities. She believes that I shouldn't have a problem doing this since I'm home almost every day, but it's a lot of pressure to be honest. There are some things that I do every day, like make the bed, clean up the kitchen, sweep/vacuum the main room, take out trash, etc. But today, for example, she came home and said "oh, I really hoped you would have moved that furniture in the bedroom for me". We are in the process of upgrading some furniture and last night she said she might want to rearrange a few things.
Don't get me wrong, I love my wife very much, but she's the type of person who will walk in the door and start looking for things that are "wrong" before she does anything else. I just feel like I'm having to split my days between doing housework and corporate work, and on days when I'm particularly busy w/ corporate work, I worry that she will get frustrated when she walks in the door. I don't want my wife to be stressed and moody every evening, it really ruins the atmosphere for all of us (myself + 2 kids, ages 12 and 8), but that's exactly what happens probably 3-4 days every week. She comes home in a terrible mood more often than not, yelling at everyone, being overly critical and making us all feel like we've done something terribly wrong. She also is very moody on the weekends and stays in our bedroom watching Netflix for the most part (and I don't DARE interrupt her while she's doing this… it doesn't matter if she decides to watch TV for 8 hours straight, she will get completely annoyed if anyone even walks into the room while she's watching her shows). Honestly the only time she's nice to me anymore is when she wants sex, which I rarely want anymore (not with her anyways… I know that sounds terrible, but it's true… I don't feel a strong connection with her anymore and can't really get in the mood when we're together).
I believe some of this has to do with the fact that she resents me for having to work at all (she mentions this at least once a week). She has a few friends with very wealthy/successful husbands who get to stay at home. Don't get me wrong, I'm making good money too (almost 6 figures) and still young (under 35), so I feel like I still have a lot of untapped potential. My wife works in education so she does get the summer months off, but that's just not enough for her. She wants me to make more money so I can let her stay at home year round. It all just seems like a waste to me… She took on MASSIVE amounts of student loans (which I feel like we will never pay off) to pursue her Master's degree in education, and now less than 5 years later, she decides she wants to retire. She also wants a new $60k swimming pool and a new $40k Toyota 4-Runner. I already work 60+ hour weeks now, so this means I would also have to work a night shift + weekends just to make ends meet. I would never see my wife or our kids, and I would only get 2-3 hours of sleep each night…. This just seems crazy and I don't feel like I should have to work that much, but at the same time, I feel incredibly guilty for "forcing" my wife to work when some of her friends don't have to.
I just don't think we could realistically make it on my income alone! She has a certain lifestyle that she wants to live, and although she won't admit it, she's all about "keeping up w/ the Joneses". So therefore she keeps overdrawing the account, spending whatever she wants without checking our finances first or mentioning it to me, and yet we're supposed to be saving for this swimming pool (which isn't happening). She jumped all over my case a few days ago because I spent $3-4 more on groceries because I didn't go to a 2nd store and buy a few of the items (for example, tomato sauce was 50 cents at one store but 79 cents at the store I was at, and I got lectured because I didn't drive to the cheaper store to buy the sauce)…. She says we should be "pinching pennies" so we can afford this pool… And then she goes and spends $50 on a manicure, and when I said something (HUGE mistake) and asked why she couldn't paint her own nails, she started yelling and crying and accusing me of being controlling and rude, and said sometimes I "forget she's a woman" and she "deserves it" because her job has been stressing her out so bad…. I just got my keys and left, and drove around for almost an hour because I was so upset by her hypocrisy.
I just don't know what to do about any of this. Her anger and resentment towards me grows with each passing day, and will continue to grow until I'm wealthy enough to fund her ideal lifestyle… and until that day, I will be "punished" and expected to do 90% of the housework and expected to deal with her terrible moods. I try bringing up the fact that my mother worked throughout her marriage (and still does), and her mother worked all throughout her marriage (and still does), and that most couples today BOTH have to work due to the overall cost of living (unless they're willing to cut some serious corners like moving to a less expensive home, selling a car, no eating out, no cable, etc).
Am I being a lazy jerk for not allowing my wife to stay at home, or is she just an unreasonable person? And how do I even begin to approach her about this? I don't want a divorce, honestly that's not even an option. I love my kiddos too much and wouldn't know what to do without them, plus I keep our home and our lives running smoothly… I'm very much needed around here! But that the same time, I feel completely trapped and upset by my wife's attitude, and I really don't know what to say or do anymore.
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