I feel like this could belong in three different topic forums so I'll start here.
I'll lay this all out the best I can, so sorry for the length. Better for me to say everything to get the advice I'm looking for.
If you bear with me on this, I thank you..if not TLDR on the bottom.
Back Story
We've been together for over three years, married for just over a year. Had our first kid this year. We're in our mid-late 20s
We fell in love, we're in love as far as I feel. We have a great relationship/marriage. We're spontaneous, we're fun, we open up about a lot of things, come up with and have adventures. She's helped me evolve into what I am now and I love her so much for that. We both wanted to get married. She didn't want to have kids at first but in time she couldn't imagine not having a kid with me, having a family. She's everything I want.
Our sex life is great, she turns me right on, I turn her on. I get her off every time, she gets me off every time. We **** several times a week, sometimes several times a day. We do a lot, try different things, make it kinky, we both enjoy it immensely.
There's a few things we're different about that we've known about each other all along. I'm a traditional guy when it comes to marriage, with some bending here or there. I want to everything I can for her, I always want her happy. Every day she gives me a rush, butterflies, the 'spark' they say. I can't believe after the ups and downs of my life I found someone who wants to be with me for the rest of my life.
She is the same way, she can't believe I found her and fell in love with her. I make her happy, make her enjoy life. She's had a lot of issues, parents separated, mental things (ADD/ADHD/OCD/ODD), abusive relationships. I accept her for all of that, in fact she's been off the meds, she still has quirks related to some of those things but are just part of who she is, I love and accept her for all of it.
OM Discussion
She identifies her self as very open sexually. She has no problem with trying different things, we have done so together. She finds men and women attractive, that's totally fine. She brought up her messing with girls a while back, I was apprehensive and she was okay with it and dropped the topic.
We grew more in our relationship and I accepted that she could have a girl, with or without me. She wanted to have a threesome with me and with caution, accepted. It turned out to be fun, I enjoyed sharing the girl with her, experience it WITH her. I didn't get a new found want for new girls. It turned her on that I did it, and that's awesome but I don't need it.
So last week while in bed she asked what I thought about a threesome with a guy. I said I couldn't do that, it doesn't sit well with me, it's not in me, I don't want to do that with her, I'd be emotionally damaged. So she asked about if we could agree on her alone with a guy. I said no, I can't do that, not now, possibly not ever. I got defensive about it asking why should would like another guy, she said just as with girls, she wants to experience everything and everyone, sexually or otherwise. Ever since then I wanted to know why. When I asked her why in bed, she said she gets a rush of looking for someone new and having sex, to get a rush, to get sparks. She had a very active sex life before me, which gave her that.
The Fight
Four days ago. I asked if there's something I'm not doing to her to give her a rush before or during sex, or in general. She said she just doesn't get the rush anymore. Of me wooing her before sex, flirting with her, teasing her through the day, turning her on, or non-sexual things I do for her, it's just gone. I turn her on by the action, giving her foreplay and is satisfied when we ****, but there's no rush anymore from her knowing I want to do that, or in doing it. I get those sparks, I get the rush of of being attracted to her, turning her on and pleasing her, just being hers and her mine. I told her that, she didn't believe me at first, says there's no way, everyone loses it, everyone talks about it. Then after finally getting through to her that I truly do, she felt like ****, like I see her as less of a person. I told her I don't love her any different. I'm worried, but I want to help her get that rush, just not in a way that it'll destroy me. She said she doesn't know how, it's always gone away for her after a few months in relationships.
During the fight she said she had a feeling she shouldn't have approached the topic. Wished that she wouldn't have gotten married, or could had the mindset to go through it without my knowledge, which of course made me feel even worse.
The Why
Sex itself as just an extinct, which I get, she does too. But her wanting a rush, the butterflies from another guy, I equate that to needing and creating emotions with someone else, what else could it be? I can't have that, I don't want that. I want to give that to her. I don't want another guy in her, maybe I shouldn't have had a threesome with her and a girl. Saying no to that would have put us in this place at some point anyways.
She doesn't currently want therapy, or to be put on meds, that puts her back to thinking about being on meds through most her life, when she hated herself. I don't know what to do then, she doesn't know what I can do otherwise, thinks that's the only solution, that anything beyond therapy or meds won't help.
TLDR; Doesn't have the rush/butterflies from me anymore in any form, I still do. Might not want to seek help to find that again due to past life issues, wants find to screw other guys to get that rush from a new per son. I can't accept it because of my morals. I want to help. We're trying to forget and reset but I'm afraid of what's going to happen.
I'm stuck. I want to help her, I don't know how. She said that nothing's going to happen, she doesn't want to leave me, wants to grow old together. I know now that she wants that rush though, and right now her only solution is to find it from other people, other guys, I'm lost and scared. I want her to feel how I feel about her every day, I don't want to lose that feeling. Now it's like I'm pushing her away because it's something I can't handle.
Her not knowing what I can do or wanting to accept to try and find out how to fix it makes it that much worse, that we're stuck in her wanting the rush her way, me not wanting it, her at the moment making the sacrifice and resenting me for the rest of her life, or me letting it happen and ruining myself emotionally, and resenting her for the rest of my life. We had an argument about it yesterday and the day before too. I just want to help, we get defensive and it spirals out of control.
Has anyone else experienced this? I wish I knew what to do right now, I love her so much and want to help but I can only go so far.:crying:
I'll lay this all out the best I can, so sorry for the length. Better for me to say everything to get the advice I'm looking for.
If you bear with me on this, I thank you..if not TLDR on the bottom.
Back Story
We've been together for over three years, married for just over a year. Had our first kid this year. We're in our mid-late 20s
We fell in love, we're in love as far as I feel. We have a great relationship/marriage. We're spontaneous, we're fun, we open up about a lot of things, come up with and have adventures. She's helped me evolve into what I am now and I love her so much for that. We both wanted to get married. She didn't want to have kids at first but in time she couldn't imagine not having a kid with me, having a family. She's everything I want.
Our sex life is great, she turns me right on, I turn her on. I get her off every time, she gets me off every time. We **** several times a week, sometimes several times a day. We do a lot, try different things, make it kinky, we both enjoy it immensely.
There's a few things we're different about that we've known about each other all along. I'm a traditional guy when it comes to marriage, with some bending here or there. I want to everything I can for her, I always want her happy. Every day she gives me a rush, butterflies, the 'spark' they say. I can't believe after the ups and downs of my life I found someone who wants to be with me for the rest of my life.
She is the same way, she can't believe I found her and fell in love with her. I make her happy, make her enjoy life. She's had a lot of issues, parents separated, mental things (ADD/ADHD/OCD/ODD), abusive relationships. I accept her for all of that, in fact she's been off the meds, she still has quirks related to some of those things but are just part of who she is, I love and accept her for all of it.
OM Discussion
She identifies her self as very open sexually. She has no problem with trying different things, we have done so together. She finds men and women attractive, that's totally fine. She brought up her messing with girls a while back, I was apprehensive and she was okay with it and dropped the topic.
We grew more in our relationship and I accepted that she could have a girl, with or without me. She wanted to have a threesome with me and with caution, accepted. It turned out to be fun, I enjoyed sharing the girl with her, experience it WITH her. I didn't get a new found want for new girls. It turned her on that I did it, and that's awesome but I don't need it.
So last week while in bed she asked what I thought about a threesome with a guy. I said I couldn't do that, it doesn't sit well with me, it's not in me, I don't want to do that with her, I'd be emotionally damaged. So she asked about if we could agree on her alone with a guy. I said no, I can't do that, not now, possibly not ever. I got defensive about it asking why should would like another guy, she said just as with girls, she wants to experience everything and everyone, sexually or otherwise. Ever since then I wanted to know why. When I asked her why in bed, she said she gets a rush of looking for someone new and having sex, to get a rush, to get sparks. She had a very active sex life before me, which gave her that.
The Fight
Four days ago. I asked if there's something I'm not doing to her to give her a rush before or during sex, or in general. She said she just doesn't get the rush anymore. Of me wooing her before sex, flirting with her, teasing her through the day, turning her on, or non-sexual things I do for her, it's just gone. I turn her on by the action, giving her foreplay and is satisfied when we ****, but there's no rush anymore from her knowing I want to do that, or in doing it. I get those sparks, I get the rush of of being attracted to her, turning her on and pleasing her, just being hers and her mine. I told her that, she didn't believe me at first, says there's no way, everyone loses it, everyone talks about it. Then after finally getting through to her that I truly do, she felt like ****, like I see her as less of a person. I told her I don't love her any different. I'm worried, but I want to help her get that rush, just not in a way that it'll destroy me. She said she doesn't know how, it's always gone away for her after a few months in relationships.
During the fight she said she had a feeling she shouldn't have approached the topic. Wished that she wouldn't have gotten married, or could had the mindset to go through it without my knowledge, which of course made me feel even worse.
The Why
Sex itself as just an extinct, which I get, she does too. But her wanting a rush, the butterflies from another guy, I equate that to needing and creating emotions with someone else, what else could it be? I can't have that, I don't want that. I want to give that to her. I don't want another guy in her, maybe I shouldn't have had a threesome with her and a girl. Saying no to that would have put us in this place at some point anyways.
She doesn't currently want therapy, or to be put on meds, that puts her back to thinking about being on meds through most her life, when she hated herself. I don't know what to do then, she doesn't know what I can do otherwise, thinks that's the only solution, that anything beyond therapy or meds won't help.
TLDR; Doesn't have the rush/butterflies from me anymore in any form, I still do. Might not want to seek help to find that again due to past life issues, wants find to screw other guys to get that rush from a new per son. I can't accept it because of my morals. I want to help. We're trying to forget and reset but I'm afraid of what's going to happen.
I'm stuck. I want to help her, I don't know how. She said that nothing's going to happen, she doesn't want to leave me, wants to grow old together. I know now that she wants that rush though, and right now her only solution is to find it from other people, other guys, I'm lost and scared. I want her to feel how I feel about her every day, I don't want to lose that feeling. Now it's like I'm pushing her away because it's something I can't handle.
Her not knowing what I can do or wanting to accept to try and find out how to fix it makes it that much worse, that we're stuck in her wanting the rush her way, me not wanting it, her at the moment making the sacrifice and resenting me for the rest of her life, or me letting it happen and ruining myself emotionally, and resenting her for the rest of my life. We had an argument about it yesterday and the day before too. I just want to help, we get defensive and it spirals out of control.
Has anyone else experienced this? I wish I knew what to do right now, I love her so much and want to help but I can only go so far.:crying:
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